12.27am 29 December 2005 Thursday
Old habits die hard. It's past midnight and I'm actually pretty tired but there's just this urge to write. Where else but online, in a new blog?
The URL was actually inspired by MH's secret blog, since we're best friends and this was going to be my secret blog. I tried kaya toast/ roti, onde onde, even goreng pisang, but none of them worked, if you can believe it. My next try, tao suan, worked but I realised that I don't really like tao suan all that much so I changed it to muah chee.
mmm... Just the thought of eating muah chee makes me wish I could go back to SG and eat. Cousin Gav gave me a well-meaning piece of advice but I can't follow it. Nope, it'd be against my nature, for he told me, "In Rome, eat as the Romans do. That way you won't be homesick."
To think that I'd one day settle for the greasy, trashy American food is like believing that France will one day agree that pasteurisation is good for their cheeses. It felt impossible to accomplish, and completely ludicrous (just as others might find my fixation on food ludicrous,) that I tossed the idea out instantly, as much as I respected Gav.
We're in Deutschland now and there's a bittersweet feeling stealing across my chest. For one I'm glad to be here and just experiencing everything but on the other hand, I'm feeling so terrible that I've all but fallen out with most members of my family. The weak bonds of the ties with the SGreans at school couldn't stand the relationship, my dad refused to let me date someone who is divorced... Sometimes I wonder about my own logic, whether it actually is worthwhile or not.
Had it been a normal relationship, it might have proceeded in its own natural way and maybe die a quiet death. With all the fanfare it has stirred up, I don't know anymore, how I really feel and whether this is what I want.
Sometimes (ie, right this moment), I regret making those commitments and even making this trip, because I feel like I'm falling into a hole and losing sight of why I'm in this relationship. It's scary because unlike other times when it was easy to just leave, all eyes are pinned on us.
Anyhow. Enough for tonight. Maybe some sleep or a quiet chat will find the reason again.
