9.28am 30 July 2006 Sunday
I love Saturday and Sunday mornings. They always feel so fresh and full of... prospect. Unfortunately, that all disappears once you get past the.. 10.30am mark. Before that, it still feels early and anything is possible. After that, you'd better have a plan for the day, otherwise you'll be stuck in an unproductive rut.
So breakfast today was a fruit juice blend of TJ's Limeade (cuz I was out of any other juices), a small handful of fresh blueberries, a slice of mango, a small clementine for a citrusy kick, and a handful of frozen strawberries; and a cheese toast. I love starting my day with a good meal that's not your typical bread and jam (because I don't even like jam to begin with) that's easy and will sustain me for a while.
Last night after eating some leftovers from a couple days before, I came to realise that:
a) I hate eating leftovers, because you can never really feel safe with them,
b) I can't bear to cook for myself every day either.
So last night I cheated a little and bought a bag of curry naan and a jar of roasted peppers. Here's the plan:
Day 1: Naan with peppers
Day 2: Naan with peppers, mango, sundried tomato
Day 3: Naan with peppers, onions, cucumbers
Day 4: Naan with cream cheese spread -> zucchini, peppers, onion, garlic, cucumber..
And then I ran out of ideas but I'll think of something. Hopefully.
Of course, nothing beats eating in SG, where lunch breaks are spent agonising over the myriad of possibilities. Over here, it's more like, shoot, I'm going to get hungry again and I don't want to spend too much money - what can I possibly come up with this time..?
Last night I watched Alton Brown's show, Feasting on Asphalt, and thoroughly enjoyed it. For once, there was no "mmmm, this is soooooooo good" commentary that doesn't say much except that the host is really bad at acting. In its place was typical A.B/ documentary style cinematography with real people and real stories. Maybe A.B just has a better way of communicating with people and asking the right questions that make you feel like he is really interested in what you're doing. Within the first half of the first episode, he tackled a bright pink pickled pork hoof, took a bite gingerly and... there was no fake "mmmhhh" or any attempts to wrap it up into a pretty package. Another scene that I really liked was A.B talking to a cook in a family owned biscuit shop when she was making her famous biscuits, and admitting that she didn't know who A.B was. He seemed really down to earth and eager to connect the food/ people/ place with viewers than to... give a pseudo orgasmic sounding moan.
Her: So you went to a culinary institute?
A.B: Yeah, yeah, but that doesn't mean I cook any better. I don't even know how to make biscuits.
OK, so I'm prejudiced. I used to like Rachael Ray's programmes until I watched an episode of her show, $40-a-day, shot in Italy. She completely blew her credibility away when she said that USD$40 converts into 45 euros. Can you give me the name of your money changer? I mean, I can understand if you say that you need more money for food in Europe (although that's rather incredulous too), but to say that the conversion rate, something that is tangible and easily verified, is way different from the actual rate? An utter no-no. I was steaming mad the whole show because she kept emphasising on how cheap it is on American terms, as if Europe is a poorer cousin of USA. Arghh! Thinking of it just makes me mad, and I've decided to boycott her magazine although I was very excited about it when it first came out.
Anyway. That's relatively unimportant compared to MH's photo being splashed across national newspaper without her permission, and without any citation. According to her, there's nothing she can do because there's no law in SG that protects the right to privacy. H said it's basically the same in Germany, unless the photo offends you. That's when personal rights kick in and you're able to take action of some sort.
Time to start on my O Chem revision... Think I'll finish my packing first though.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Eyes Wide Shut
8.47pm 26 July 2006 Wednesday
I just spent the past two hours on mindless gossipmongering. MH was rather astonished when I went back this summer, on how eager I was to critique random strangers' dress or behaviour. Truth be told, I was a little hurt by that comment - until I realised how detached I've become from everyone close to me. It has been so long since I've done something for another person, talked to someone to find out how they are, and basically just forgot that I still have friends and family.
Writing and talking has become such strangers, even, that I don't seem to remember how to convey my thoughts effectively. I know I haven't shown enough appreciation to MH for her support over the past 3 years for her unwavering support through thick and thin, highs and lows, PMS and what not. But I hope she knows that no matter how far out I drift, or how lost I get in my life outside SG, that she is always on my mind.
Somehow these few weeks without H has been like a dream. I told him I don't want to live my life waiting for graduation, or waiting for the next phase of my life, but I am. To the man who has been so wonderful to me the past few months - I love you. I know it has been hard for you too, that whatever worries I have, you're having nightmares about them too. I haven't been very expressive about my love, nor my gratitude that you've chosen to stick with me and swim upstream together no matter how difficult it is and what a brat I've been.
I've made a few resolutions these few days - hopefully I'll be able to keep up with them. Maybe the next time I update, I can give some concrete details about my progress..
I just spent the past two hours on mindless gossipmongering. MH was rather astonished when I went back this summer, on how eager I was to critique random strangers' dress or behaviour. Truth be told, I was a little hurt by that comment - until I realised how detached I've become from everyone close to me. It has been so long since I've done something for another person, talked to someone to find out how they are, and basically just forgot that I still have friends and family.
Writing and talking has become such strangers, even, that I don't seem to remember how to convey my thoughts effectively. I know I haven't shown enough appreciation to MH for her support over the past 3 years for her unwavering support through thick and thin, highs and lows, PMS and what not. But I hope she knows that no matter how far out I drift, or how lost I get in my life outside SG, that she is always on my mind.
Somehow these few weeks without H has been like a dream. I told him I don't want to live my life waiting for graduation, or waiting for the next phase of my life, but I am. To the man who has been so wonderful to me the past few months - I love you. I know it has been hard for you too, that whatever worries I have, you're having nightmares about them too. I haven't been very expressive about my love, nor my gratitude that you've chosen to stick with me and swim upstream together no matter how difficult it is and what a brat I've been.
I've made a few resolutions these few days - hopefully I'll be able to keep up with them. Maybe the next time I update, I can give some concrete details about my progress..
Friday, July 21, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Sometimes it's the small details that trigger memories.
5.25pm 20 July 2006 Thursday
The phone rang. I didn't recognise the emotion that was stirred up.
When you're expecting something, you programme your consciousness to recognise it in any situation. You scramble for whatever your unconscious mind tells you to, regardless whether or not you consciously know what you're doing, because it's the response you're trained to apply when you hear that sound. So you respond even when you least expect to hear it, when you're sleeping, when you're focussed on something else... you simply respond because it has been integrated into your entire being.
After etching a programme like that into your database and not using it for some time, you forget that it has already been hardwired into your brain and you receive an unexpected jolt when it's reactivated. Needless to say, this function isn't frequently used- not that you can tell yourself to deliberately do it or not.
The phone rang. It reminded me of the lonely nights I used to spend thinking about you, about why it didn't work out. That sudden ache in my heart had nothing to do with missing you- I don't- but the association I had with that sound.
mm.. But one day I'll completely erase it out.
The phone rang. I didn't recognise the emotion that was stirred up.
When you're expecting something, you programme your consciousness to recognise it in any situation. You scramble for whatever your unconscious mind tells you to, regardless whether or not you consciously know what you're doing, because it's the response you're trained to apply when you hear that sound. So you respond even when you least expect to hear it, when you're sleeping, when you're focussed on something else... you simply respond because it has been integrated into your entire being.
After etching a programme like that into your database and not using it for some time, you forget that it has already been hardwired into your brain and you receive an unexpected jolt when it's reactivated. Needless to say, this function isn't frequently used- not that you can tell yourself to deliberately do it or not.
The phone rang. It reminded me of the lonely nights I used to spend thinking about you, about why it didn't work out. That sudden ache in my heart had nothing to do with missing you- I don't- but the association I had with that sound.
mm.. But one day I'll completely erase it out.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Bad day
4.07pm 16 July 2006 Sunday
Maybe it was a premonition hearing that song with "I've had a bad day" in the chorus so often recently. Things haven't been going too smoothly since the start of summer 2 and I'm just... frustrated. My mind feels like it's being stretched from one end to the other and because of that, I feel like I'm forgetting something important most of the time. I don't know how I'm going to amble through the next three weeks and still do well, but I'd better figure something out soon or else it'll all crumble soon.
It's difficult to really tell H how I feel because... I don't want to be whiny all the time when he's having problems of his own too. But yet at the same time if I can't tell him, then the frustration will only pile up and snowball into a mess.
Anyway. Going to start my O chem revision now and hopefully study enough to get through tomorrow's exam. Breathe... breathe...
Maybe it was a premonition hearing that song with "I've had a bad day" in the chorus so often recently. Things haven't been going too smoothly since the start of summer 2 and I'm just... frustrated. My mind feels like it's being stretched from one end to the other and because of that, I feel like I'm forgetting something important most of the time. I don't know how I'm going to amble through the next three weeks and still do well, but I'd better figure something out soon or else it'll all crumble soon.
It's difficult to really tell H how I feel because... I don't want to be whiny all the time when he's having problems of his own too. But yet at the same time if I can't tell him, then the frustration will only pile up and snowball into a mess.
Anyway. Going to start my O chem revision now and hopefully study enough to get through tomorrow's exam. Breathe... breathe...
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Thoughts
I hate it when you promise to do something and then forget about it. It makes me wonder, if I'm important to you, shouldn't the promises you make to me be kept?
There are bouts of frustration I feel from time to time from thinking, why didn't he call, or why didn't he do things that he promised. But each time I've been weighing those issues against things he did do, aka, "The Happy Times". Recently, it seems, the frustration is overcoming THT.
Maybe my gut instinct is right - I don't like to be caught in such relationships where two parties are separated by time and distance. Relationships are current and spontaneous. If not, then maybe it's not the time nor place for it. It's not something to be substituted by a phone call or an SMS. It's just not my idea of a relationship. As much as I respect MH and Jason for being able to give each other space, I belong to the all-or-nothing camp. I've always been that way, although sometimes optimism make me forget what my past experience have taught me.
So we're trying your way for now, but how long can it last, before I decide to go my way? One thing is for sure - I cannot stay still in the state of limbo, because that's just not my nature. Some people can thrive just with the knowledge that there's something waiting at the finishing line. I don't. Because there is no definite finishing line in life, since the future is more dynamic that you'd expect. What if I decide to take a detour? Or if it started raining?
No conclusion has been drawn yet, because we're still in the period of data collection. But unfortunately, things have been progressing as expected - badly. Maybe the end is in sight..?
There are bouts of frustration I feel from time to time from thinking, why didn't he call, or why didn't he do things that he promised. But each time I've been weighing those issues against things he did do, aka, "The Happy Times". Recently, it seems, the frustration is overcoming THT.
Maybe my gut instinct is right - I don't like to be caught in such relationships where two parties are separated by time and distance. Relationships are current and spontaneous. If not, then maybe it's not the time nor place for it. It's not something to be substituted by a phone call or an SMS. It's just not my idea of a relationship. As much as I respect MH and Jason for being able to give each other space, I belong to the all-or-nothing camp. I've always been that way, although sometimes optimism make me forget what my past experience have taught me.
So we're trying your way for now, but how long can it last, before I decide to go my way? One thing is for sure - I cannot stay still in the state of limbo, because that's just not my nature. Some people can thrive just with the knowledge that there's something waiting at the finishing line. I don't. Because there is no definite finishing line in life, since the future is more dynamic that you'd expect. What if I decide to take a detour? Or if it started raining?
No conclusion has been drawn yet, because we're still in the period of data collection. But unfortunately, things have been progressing as expected - badly. Maybe the end is in sight..?
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Twiddling my thumbs
11.22pm 5 July 2006 Wednesday
In the span of the last 6 hours, I've been more productive than I had been for a long time. I wrote a lab report, cleaned the kitchen, cleared out the mess in the hallway, vacuumed the bathroom and bedroom, tidied up 20% of the house, packed for school and badminton tomorrow.. but I'm still not tired. If there was someone else to command, to do all the work, I think I'd be more tired, simply because you'd be cuddling with me afterwards...
But for now, Food Network and HGTV would have to suffice.
In the span of the last 6 hours, I've been more productive than I had been for a long time. I wrote a lab report, cleaned the kitchen, cleared out the mess in the hallway, vacuumed the bathroom and bedroom, tidied up 20% of the house, packed for school and badminton tomorrow.. but I'm still not tired. If there was someone else to command, to do all the work, I think I'd be more tired, simply because you'd be cuddling with me afterwards...
But for now, Food Network and HGTV would have to suffice.
It's raining, it's falling...
5.53pm 5 July 2006 Wednesday
The skies are dark and gloomy as can be. The mountains in our backyard are completely obscured by heavy rain clouds. Thunder gave a lazy yawn as lightning flashed warningly. The power went out for a second before coming back on again, but the momentary break from activity surprised me enough to start a crying fit. And as predicted, once I start, I was unstoppable. I cried as I rolled the trash can in. I howled as the wind beat against the skylight above the kitchen. I teared as I unloaded the dryer.
There'd be no one to bully for the next four weeks, no one to chauffeur me to and from school, no one to carry me from the sofa when I fall asleep in the living room... I miss my Mr. Post-it Notes. =(
The skies are dark and gloomy as can be. The mountains in our backyard are completely obscured by heavy rain clouds. Thunder gave a lazy yawn as lightning flashed warningly. The power went out for a second before coming back on again, but the momentary break from activity surprised me enough to start a crying fit. And as predicted, once I start, I was unstoppable. I cried as I rolled the trash can in. I howled as the wind beat against the skylight above the kitchen. I teared as I unloaded the dryer.
There'd be no one to bully for the next four weeks, no one to chauffeur me to and from school, no one to carry me from the sofa when I fall asleep in the living room... I miss my Mr. Post-it Notes. =(
Home Alone
4.06pm 5 July 2006 Wednesday
It has been quite a whirlwind afternoon since I sent H off at the airport. I had envisioned a quiet afternoon to lick my sore heart but that didn't quite happen. I had to get the car washed and cleaned for a potential buyer, get caught in a shower right after the 30 minute wash and wax, accept an offer, and reject the aforesaid offer when the guy had doubts and dropped the price.
Am home now, but our quiet little cottage seems so bare without a kitty cat underfoot. I'd asked myself earlier, why I had been so emotionless and chirpy the past months since we realised that H had to go back. As I watched his departing figure wave enthusiastically despite the heavy carry-on luggage and bulky racquet bag, I realised that we both needed to be stoic if this was to be as painless as possible. Had either of us broke down and clung to each other, which was what the unconscious mind was probably shouting for, it would be a tough month to endure.
But that's not to say I didn't have the urge to cry, or that lump in my throat is due to a sore throat. I'm just afraid that once I start crying, I won't stop.
Auf Wiedersehen, my dear. See you soon and don't forget to brush your teeth. =P
It has been quite a whirlwind afternoon since I sent H off at the airport. I had envisioned a quiet afternoon to lick my sore heart but that didn't quite happen. I had to get the car washed and cleaned for a potential buyer, get caught in a shower right after the 30 minute wash and wax, accept an offer, and reject the aforesaid offer when the guy had doubts and dropped the price.
Am home now, but our quiet little cottage seems so bare without a kitty cat underfoot. I'd asked myself earlier, why I had been so emotionless and chirpy the past months since we realised that H had to go back. As I watched his departing figure wave enthusiastically despite the heavy carry-on luggage and bulky racquet bag, I realised that we both needed to be stoic if this was to be as painless as possible. Had either of us broke down and clung to each other, which was what the unconscious mind was probably shouting for, it would be a tough month to endure.
But that's not to say I didn't have the urge to cry, or that lump in my throat is due to a sore throat. I'm just afraid that once I start crying, I won't stop.
Auf Wiedersehen, my dear. See you soon and don't forget to brush your teeth. =P
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)