Metamorphasis

7.57pm 20 September 2006 Wednesday

Over the years I think I've come to understand myself a little bit more. I remember the sessions with the nice Indian lady who helped me come to terms with some doubts I had about myself, and in the process, accept some of the confounded actions I pursue intuitively.

There were lull periods when I felt general despair at how my life was progressing (or not). These were times when I would bury my stubborn nose in a book, refusing to look at the rapidly moving world straight in the eye. At some point, however, my apathy would start to disturb even the placid cow in me that wants to graze in green meadows all spring long, and I would be spurred into action.

Today is one of the ah-ha! days. I can feel myself shedding the coat of gloom that has shrouded me for some time, inspired by the books I've recently read. It's amazing what reading can do to you - I feel like I was given a hard shake and a good rap on the knuckle by Life itself.

It's not true to say that I don't know what I want - I do know that I do not want to live a life of mediocrity. I know that I deeply love H and he is the one I entrust my future with. But through this recent episode of self-discovery, I also realise that the crux to knowing myself, is to spend long quiet periods of time alone. Right now I've firmly established what was missing the past month since semester started: a conviction that I know that I'm chasing after something worthwhile, and the drive to do it.

Having said that, I still cannot say for sure I know exactly what I'm chasing after, but I've a rather clear picture in my head. My short term goals are quite straightforward, but my long term goals are still a little fuzzy around the edges.

But I think I have the plan in essence, all condensed in my head.

You must be curious; what boosted my confidence as suddenly as it was taken away?

1. Playing in the competition with a new partner, I was sure that we won't stand a chance, especially since he doesn't seem entirely keen to play all out. But I was at greater fault: I had no faith in the two of us as a team, and I was convinced that there was no way we would win. However, the past 2 times we played together, I realised that we were both go-getters and winning every single point was like a matter of personal pride - either you fight hard for it, or you don't play. Winning didn't have anything to do with competing in a sport, but the fact that I went out there and challenged someone should have been the whole point of the exercise. That episode made me realise what a coward I had been, and how afraid I was to fail. But right now, it doesn't matter to me whether or not we win, because the most important thing is to try as hard as I can.

2. Applying for the internships and not having confidence that I will be accepted at all, and then having to decide if I want to give it all up to go to Germany was a rough blow to me. Initially I was ecstatic to send out my applications, because that meant that the whole matter was out of my hands. Then I had to contemplate if I wanted to forsake that to save my relationship. It's like running the last leg of a marathon and then realising you don't know what the end point is, because the fork that suddenly appeared before you wasn't in your mental map. Thankfully we got past that torturous decision and I have to say, I'm very relieved at finding the right path without breaking my stride.

3. Finally, it was processing all the books that I've read recently and the snatches of conversation I've had with people. I think at some point I've finally accepted the fact that I am no longer a child, and the decisions I make are no longer as clear cut as they used to be. Had I been any wiser, I would have applied to other schools. Maybe my life would have been much different, but we would never know. In any case, I've cast my lot and perhaps this was the path I was meant to take. Beneath all my insecurities, I am surprised at the confidence I feel in making my current decisions, which I have to say, were the same objectives I had started out with 3.5 years ago.

All in all, it has been a very scary time dealing with myself as I meandered along the path. The best thing I have regained through this process of self-discovery, I must say, is the faith in myself all over again. So there. Let this semester end peacefully and as planned, and I will count the days till 13 Nov, Match Day, when I will find out exactly what I'll be doing in 2007. But whatever may come, please grant me the fortitude and wisdom to make the right choices.

Take a deep breath, and now plunge into all the work I have lying before me. They have been waiting patiently enough and it is now time to finish up what I started.

Singledom - it's really not as bad.

1.04pm 9 September 2006 Saturday

I've forgotten how it feels like to be single, where every day is your own and your days are both lonely and then not. Recently I've gotten used to the idea that H and I are living in separate cities, and I don't know how I really feel about that. When you realise that you can actually live without a person, you wonder how important he is to you.

That ties in with your definition of love, I guess. Some days I think, I can't leave him because he's everything I want. I'd do anything for him, and I'm sure vice versa. There's just no question of holding back in my actions, because I know he's honest and upfront with me, so I can give without hesitating. Then again, what you feel inside are a completely different thing. On other days, I ask myself relentless, "What does he mean to you, if you can live without him?"

Last week I picked up a copy of Miss Manner's Guide to Etiquette from the library. One of the articles talked about marriage, and how it's not about marrying the perfect person, but being a perfect person for the one you marry.

The thing is, I miss the feeling of a wildly thumping heart that accompanies a fresh new relationship. On Friday I almost asked a male classmate out, but I backed out the last moment. Afterwards Nanao and I talked about it, and I was able to laugh it off although my face was red with embarrassment. That was when I realised that I only missed the whole chase, the insecurity of a new crush, if you will, but in fact, I'm not looking for anyone, because no one can match up to H.

But you know, all my fears about being alone are somewhat unfounded, I suppose. All this while I've been thinking, am I with H because it's so comfortable, because I'm afraid to walk away to singlehood again? For some time, I was mad at my cowardly self because I was convinced that I was. And then I started embracing my time alone by doing the things I like. Soon, I discovered that opportunities to make friends will show up and you don't really have to do anything (like going to Craigslist *shudders in horror at the memory*) to force fate's hand. In fact, going through those channels actually made me feel alot worse about myself, and I'm quite sure that it's something I will never do again. I mean, it's one thing joining and organising groups, but it's another thing altogether responding to personal ads.

Anyhow. Off to the library to re-establish my friendship with books again. That's the nice thing about books - it never berates you when you put it down and forget all about it. Instead, it quietly awaits the next time you have a minute to read a page or two, and consigns itself to silence till you come back. But it never doubts for a moment, that you've forgotten it, because it knows it's secure in your heart as a very good friend.

I'm bored.

5.20pm 5 Sept 2006 Tuesday

I'm incredibly bored. I'm so bored that I'm almost sick of myself.

But guess what? There's nothing I can do about it because:

a) I've been through the entire list of clubs and societies in the university and about 40% are Greek houses, 20% are societies for volunteering, 10% are cultural, 15% are professional, and the remaining 5% are just weird. And there are no sports clubs that are interesting, except handball, which I'm awaiting a reply from.

b) Outside the university, there're only clubs that are for overweight and geriatric singles, and those interested in birds/ cactus/ astronomy/ botany/ gems... etc.

I've tried googling for clubs and societies in all possible combinations and permutations to no avail. Sigh. Is this the end of my social life? Maybe this is how everyone without a core group of friends feel. Bleah. This is so terrible! I should be in the prime of my life but yet I'm stuck in this horrible rut.

Think!!! I must not be thinking hard enough. Oh, the other weird but interesting club I've discovered - the Tucson Sushi Society. hehe. If not for the fact that I don't like Sushi, I'd have joined it out of desperation - I almost joined the Networking Singles Society until a book I picked up said something along the lines of "C'mon, nobody is innocent enough to think that they're really networking"...

Sigh.