10.08am 27 April 2006 Thursday
We overslept again and missed badminton. Michael and Oona came over last night to watch the Lakers vs. Suns game, but the home team lost. Tasha was begging for scraps the whole night, and for this, her big dopey eyes served her well. An adorable yellow Lab spotted our open car door promptly clambered in and made herself at home on the driver's seat. The funniest thing was, she didn't sniff or lick at anything in the car, but just stared at us as if saying, "OK, I'm ready! Let's go!"
I'm writing in circles today. Looking through Francis' Flickr last week and unexpectedly coming across his picture suddenly made me feel... I don't know what it made me feel. It's disturbing because I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy (who incidentally SMSed me this very moment)... and just by seeing a glimpse of him made me confused all over again. See, the thing is, I'm not confused as in I want to give up everything at a drop of a hat. It's more like me asking myself, what the heck is this nagging feeling gnawing at the back of my consciousness, and why is it there.
I don't even know what to write or say. I did mention to H, in passing, that I saw that picture. But at that moment when I downplayed it, I realised it was utterly contradictory - if I had forgotten, why would I have brought it up? In any case, I'll let the sleeping dogs lie. It'll disappear as it had before, and I will be back into my contented sphere again.
The semester is coming to an end but I don't even feel the mad, hectic rush to study. Having non-cumulative exams help alot, though. It's about 2 weeks to the end of school and to Singapore, and I can't wait to show H around!
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
Anthony's in the Catalinas'
2.07pm 24 April 2006 Monday
Our last two weekends involved rather explosive arguments that involved car shifting and sleeping in separate beds. The one we had over Friday and Saturday finally culminated in a furious baking exercise, which, incidentally ended matters. It is difficult to bake for someone when you're mad at him. The cheesecake, however, turned out really well and I brought some for Renu and Nanao today.
But that was not what I wanted to write about. Last Tuesday was our 6 month anniversary which crept up on us without any notice, and a last minute decision of my group freed up my evening, so we decided to go for a nice dinner spontaneously. He was supposed to surprise me with a place we've never tried before and we took time to dress up for it, which was really fun considering we seldom really wear anything more formal than t-shirt and jeans in casual ol' Tucson.
I remember looking at the online menu offered by Anthony's a couple of weeks ago and gasping in shock, but our experience there was so enjoyable, it was almost worth it. Two doormen opened a big cellar-like wood door that led into the restaurant, which had more seating space than we expected. We were seated by the window facing the garden, which was filled with spring blooms and had a sprouting fountain in the middle. The room itself had a tall, sloping ceiling with wooden beams, which made it look like a comfortable log cabin. A pianist was hidden unobtrusively in one corner, playing timeless classics one after another. There was a mid-sized room immediately adjacent to ours that housed a group of seniors celebrating a birthday, but the glass windows in between the rooms offered a peek at the city skyline below. We thought the event room was the patio/ balcony, but later we realised that there was actually another dining space for those who wanted to be away from the main room and enjoy the cool Spring air with a gorgeous view.
The wait staff came by one after another; the first took our cocktail order; the next set a plate of salmon cream cheese with crackers on the table; the third proffered a menu with the night's specials and someone in between glided in to fill our water goblets. After we sipped our cocktails and had an opportunity to try the appetiser, a sommelier appeared by H's side to offer wine suggestions to go with our dinner. By then, we've already decided on what to order and his photographic knowledge of all the wines in the big tome disguised as the wine menu saved us from having to make a headachy decision.
The appetisers appeared soon after our tour of the facility (very nice Spanish style bathrooms) and while the quality of the lobsters were impressive, the dressing wasn't. The lobsters were really fresh, sweet and juicy with no hint of H's hated fishiness, and perfectly cooked so that they popped out of their shells with no struggle. Unfortunately, they were smothered with an odd herb-y garlic mixture that completely overwhelmed the delicious lobster, that we could have been eating anything from a piece of toast to caviar - it wouldn't have made a difference. Darn the Americans with their desire to overspice and overpower everything.
H's soup, however, was faultless. It was creamy and full without being cloying, although H would have loved it thicker, and the flavours of broccoli and mushroom infused into the soup so... subtly. The sourdough bread provided was an odd choice, because a simple, crusty bread would have been a better companion.
We nibbled on the bread for a while more and chatted with a pianist playing in an appropriately romantic and quiet style. He even played my favourite song, albeit overly upbeat, if you ask me. But then again, the rest of the songs were so soothing, I was ready to fall face down into my food.
The dinner that followed was perfectly executed. My roasted duckling (trust me, I felt quite bad about eating the cute little ducklings and then seeing them at our lake the next day..) had a crispy skin with very tender and plump meat. The accompanying green peppercorn/ honey glaze wasn't too sweet, nor did it soak the whole plate in excess, thank goodness. Unfortunately, I was too stuffed with the appetiser and drinks that I could only manage part of my duckling before giving it up. H's chateaubriand had a very intense, grilled crust and a juicy centre which he enjoyed, but was too meaty for me.
I was a little disappointed when the waiter refused to give me a dessert menu, but it was actually part of the restaurant's celebration of our anniversary. He appeared with a baked Alaska for each of us, and of course, it was absolutely delectable. The meringue shell was doused with Cointreau or Grand Marnier and flambed for a moment, and that created a very bitter, crispy outside which was a good contrast to the soft fluffy and sweet meringue below, the cold neopolitan ice cream in the centre, and the yellow cake on the bottom.
Anthony's seemed like a place for lovers or those with something to celebrate, because the prices weren't as affordable as your neighbourhood kopitiam (coffeeshop). However, the attentive and incongruous staff; and the cosy yet elegant atmosphere made it very romantic and something to really look forward to. We were so impressed that we made reservations for my graduation dinner to be held there, but after a night of impressive service, they actually refused to allow us to book the patio "in case we don't open the patio if the night isn't as busy". Very disappointing and non-accomodating. We're thinking of going to our neighbourhood restaurant Le Buzz with their impecable service instead, but we shall see about that. Anthony's does have that nice pianist and the view is impressive.
Argh. Time for my dreaded Biochem. Sigh. I really hate this class. Dinner last night was a yummy home-style gyros with rice and veggies. H added a cream sauce made from fat-free cream cheese, but you couldn't even tell that it was fat free. I added some milk to the leftovers for lunch and mixed it into a veggie stir-fry that was already emitting sweet juices from the red/yellow/green bell peppers, and stuffed it into a toasted pita. We washed that all down with a mango-orange smoothie - proud of our healthy meals! (It was amazing how H scarfed all that veggie down when it would have been a chore to convince him to eat it otherwise...)
Will be cooking again tonight. Hopefully this spate of cooking will keep up... otherwise we're spending waaayyyy too much on food.
Our last two weekends involved rather explosive arguments that involved car shifting and sleeping in separate beds. The one we had over Friday and Saturday finally culminated in a furious baking exercise, which, incidentally ended matters. It is difficult to bake for someone when you're mad at him. The cheesecake, however, turned out really well and I brought some for Renu and Nanao today.
But that was not what I wanted to write about. Last Tuesday was our 6 month anniversary which crept up on us without any notice, and a last minute decision of my group freed up my evening, so we decided to go for a nice dinner spontaneously. He was supposed to surprise me with a place we've never tried before and we took time to dress up for it, which was really fun considering we seldom really wear anything more formal than t-shirt and jeans in casual ol' Tucson.
I remember looking at the online menu offered by Anthony's a couple of weeks ago and gasping in shock, but our experience there was so enjoyable, it was almost worth it. Two doormen opened a big cellar-like wood door that led into the restaurant, which had more seating space than we expected. We were seated by the window facing the garden, which was filled with spring blooms and had a sprouting fountain in the middle. The room itself had a tall, sloping ceiling with wooden beams, which made it look like a comfortable log cabin. A pianist was hidden unobtrusively in one corner, playing timeless classics one after another. There was a mid-sized room immediately adjacent to ours that housed a group of seniors celebrating a birthday, but the glass windows in between the rooms offered a peek at the city skyline below. We thought the event room was the patio/ balcony, but later we realised that there was actually another dining space for those who wanted to be away from the main room and enjoy the cool Spring air with a gorgeous view.
The wait staff came by one after another; the first took our cocktail order; the next set a plate of salmon cream cheese with crackers on the table; the third proffered a menu with the night's specials and someone in between glided in to fill our water goblets. After we sipped our cocktails and had an opportunity to try the appetiser, a sommelier appeared by H's side to offer wine suggestions to go with our dinner. By then, we've already decided on what to order and his photographic knowledge of all the wines in the big tome disguised as the wine menu saved us from having to make a headachy decision.
The appetisers appeared soon after our tour of the facility (very nice Spanish style bathrooms) and while the quality of the lobsters were impressive, the dressing wasn't. The lobsters were really fresh, sweet and juicy with no hint of H's hated fishiness, and perfectly cooked so that they popped out of their shells with no struggle. Unfortunately, they were smothered with an odd herb-y garlic mixture that completely overwhelmed the delicious lobster, that we could have been eating anything from a piece of toast to caviar - it wouldn't have made a difference. Darn the Americans with their desire to overspice and overpower everything.
H's soup, however, was faultless. It was creamy and full without being cloying, although H would have loved it thicker, and the flavours of broccoli and mushroom infused into the soup so... subtly. The sourdough bread provided was an odd choice, because a simple, crusty bread would have been a better companion.
We nibbled on the bread for a while more and chatted with a pianist playing in an appropriately romantic and quiet style. He even played my favourite song, albeit overly upbeat, if you ask me. But then again, the rest of the songs were so soothing, I was ready to fall face down into my food.
The dinner that followed was perfectly executed. My roasted duckling (trust me, I felt quite bad about eating the cute little ducklings and then seeing them at our lake the next day..) had a crispy skin with very tender and plump meat. The accompanying green peppercorn/ honey glaze wasn't too sweet, nor did it soak the whole plate in excess, thank goodness. Unfortunately, I was too stuffed with the appetiser and drinks that I could only manage part of my duckling before giving it up. H's chateaubriand had a very intense, grilled crust and a juicy centre which he enjoyed, but was too meaty for me.
I was a little disappointed when the waiter refused to give me a dessert menu, but it was actually part of the restaurant's celebration of our anniversary. He appeared with a baked Alaska for each of us, and of course, it was absolutely delectable. The meringue shell was doused with Cointreau or Grand Marnier and flambed for a moment, and that created a very bitter, crispy outside which was a good contrast to the soft fluffy and sweet meringue below, the cold neopolitan ice cream in the centre, and the yellow cake on the bottom.
Anthony's seemed like a place for lovers or those with something to celebrate, because the prices weren't as affordable as your neighbourhood kopitiam (coffeeshop). However, the attentive and incongruous staff; and the cosy yet elegant atmosphere made it very romantic and something to really look forward to. We were so impressed that we made reservations for my graduation dinner to be held there, but after a night of impressive service, they actually refused to allow us to book the patio "in case we don't open the patio if the night isn't as busy". Very disappointing and non-accomodating. We're thinking of going to our neighbourhood restaurant Le Buzz with their impecable service instead, but we shall see about that. Anthony's does have that nice pianist and the view is impressive.
Argh. Time for my dreaded Biochem. Sigh. I really hate this class. Dinner last night was a yummy home-style gyros with rice and veggies. H added a cream sauce made from fat-free cream cheese, but you couldn't even tell that it was fat free. I added some milk to the leftovers for lunch and mixed it into a veggie stir-fry that was already emitting sweet juices from the red/yellow/green bell peppers, and stuffed it into a toasted pita. We washed that all down with a mango-orange smoothie - proud of our healthy meals! (It was amazing how H scarfed all that veggie down when it would have been a chore to convince him to eat it otherwise...)
Will be cooking again tonight. Hopefully this spate of cooking will keep up... otherwise we're spending waaayyyy too much on food.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Never is a long time
2.07pm 17 April 2006 Monday
We had a big fight over the weekend and I said I'd stop watching X-Files from now on. I remember MH recommending Ah Wong because it wasn't scary, but I didn't tell her that the one day I was watching it to get my mind off X-Files, I got the one and only scary episode that freaked me out. (When Ah Wong delivered the tang shui to the scary girl in the 2nd eps?) I don't know if I will ever watch X-Files again, but as Scully said, "Never is a long time," so I shan't say never, just... for a long time.
But I realised from Renu's comment about her husband who "never says no" to her, that he never says no to me too. Whatever I wanted, I only had to ask for it and he'd get/do it for me, even if he had to get up from the warm cosy bed to get me a glass of water I'd only take a sip of, or some unnecessary trinket that I liked.
To understand why this is important to me, we must revisit the past. When I was a kid and I wanted to go to Swensen's (an ice cream parlour like Haagen Daaz), I'd ask my mum if we could. Her answer was almost always, "Ask your dad. If you don't ask him, he'll spend the money on another woman anyway. There's nothing to lose if you ask," and I'd ask my dad very apprehensively. You've to understand, to me, at that time, my dad was a formidable, scary man who seldom talked. My only contact with him was during the mornings at breakfast, and in the car. He wasn't like MH's dad who would buy her a stuffed animal whereever he was, and so nothing could be taken for granted. Of course things changed as I grew up, but that thought was always at the back of my mind.
You're very different from most men in my life. Sure, you're sly and cunning and too egoistic to apologise at times, but you almost always show me unconditional love, even when I'm rolling on the bed in pain, or trying to sneak my cold hands and legs into your warm crevices.
It's like a sudden revelation you know? As if it suddenly dawned upon me that... maybe you're a keeper.
We had a big fight over the weekend and I said I'd stop watching X-Files from now on. I remember MH recommending Ah Wong because it wasn't scary, but I didn't tell her that the one day I was watching it to get my mind off X-Files, I got the one and only scary episode that freaked me out. (When Ah Wong delivered the tang shui to the scary girl in the 2nd eps?) I don't know if I will ever watch X-Files again, but as Scully said, "Never is a long time," so I shan't say never, just... for a long time.
But I realised from Renu's comment about her husband who "never says no" to her, that he never says no to me too. Whatever I wanted, I only had to ask for it and he'd get/do it for me, even if he had to get up from the warm cosy bed to get me a glass of water I'd only take a sip of, or some unnecessary trinket that I liked.
To understand why this is important to me, we must revisit the past. When I was a kid and I wanted to go to Swensen's (an ice cream parlour like Haagen Daaz), I'd ask my mum if we could. Her answer was almost always, "Ask your dad. If you don't ask him, he'll spend the money on another woman anyway. There's nothing to lose if you ask," and I'd ask my dad very apprehensively. You've to understand, to me, at that time, my dad was a formidable, scary man who seldom talked. My only contact with him was during the mornings at breakfast, and in the car. He wasn't like MH's dad who would buy her a stuffed animal whereever he was, and so nothing could be taken for granted. Of course things changed as I grew up, but that thought was always at the back of my mind.
You're very different from most men in my life. Sure, you're sly and cunning and too egoistic to apologise at times, but you almost always show me unconditional love, even when I'm rolling on the bed in pain, or trying to sneak my cold hands and legs into your warm crevices.
It's like a sudden revelation you know? As if it suddenly dawned upon me that... maybe you're a keeper.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Writing without an audience.
11.14pm 9 April 2006 Sunday
I started the day off thinking that I'd blog about the wonderful weekend.
Now, I'm ending the night blogging about why I got so mad. I know he'll probably read it in the morning and despite trying to write for myself, I know that this will probably be a big confused mess switching from first to third person and that kind of grammatical stuff I don't want to be bothered with right now while ranting.
So I've been worried about Biochem since some time ago. I couldn't figure out if going to class helps, and I had problems getting past the psychological barrier of studying for something I know I'm going to do badly in. You know, the usual two voices in the head telling you to do something even if you don't think you can do well, blah blah blah, and the more realistic, or more "me" voice saying, OK, let's think of ways to make this a little better than very bad. It doesn't matter if it's just a little better, because anything is better than a zero. So that's always the voice that helps me survive the nerves, because it's the worst-case-scenario/ crisis limiting agency in my brain.
I was worrying about it the whole weekend, feeling bad as I played badminton.
I was worrying about it when I thought every other Biochem student I know must be studying right now, as we cooked and entertained throughout the night.
I was worrying about it as we spent an idyllic morning having breakfast and reading the papers, trying to come up with a disaster limiting plan.
I was worrying about it while tackling the easier nutrition stuff, because for once, I still hadn't come up with a good plan.
And then you said, as a response to me telling you that I was playing an online game with MH, "You're not going to be able to finish your Biochem!"
What makes you think I'm not worried about it? Does your comment help the situation? Or is it something that you feel must be said to make you feel better, more superior? As I was reading the women's studies website on model housewives and feeling bad for leaving all the cleaning and washing to you, I thought, "Wow, I'm so lucky to be able to concentrate on my own things without worrying about the terrible state of the kitchen," the next moment felt like I was crashing on the cold, hard ground.
Of course it was OK if he had to make the sacrifice and clean up, if I had the exams the following day and couldn't help. But it wasn't fine the immediate moment I diverted my attention elsewhere, because this would waste his sacrifice.
IF I had known that X was contingent for Y to occur, then sorry, I'd rather not be obliged to you and find my own way to reach Y. In English, that means I appreciate you doing all work but that doesn't give you the right to lord over me. If that's the case, so long and thanks for the fish. I'd rather do an equal share of the work and lord over myself, and not be answerable to you for my actions/ grades.
I know my anger stemmed from many factors:
- frustration at not being able to study biochem successfully. Or at least well enough to feel like I know the material.
- guilt, at not helping with the cleaning up.
- fear, that you pinned your hopes on me to do well in biochem.
- anger, that the "cost" of your cleaning up was the "right" to expect me to study hard.
Let me make this clear if it hadn't been so before:
I'm not a model student, and I never was. I'm a terrible student who hates to study more than necessary, and unlike my best friend, I am not the type who would push myself hard if I don't like/ don't understand the subject. I'm also the lazy student who makes use of whatever little smarts I have to cover up and make up for my failures.
What I am always focused on, however, was the ultimate goal to graduate well and get into a good internship - something one semester of lousy biochem isn't going to deter.
Yes, I'm feeling an immense guilt and responsibility because it's my dad's money I'm spending here, to get my degree. It is my job to work hard and get the best results too. Some people like Carol use that as a motivation to study, because they feel more obliged to. I do too, but it's not my nature make that voice the end-all-and-be-all of my existence. You could dangle a million dollars before me, and I still wouldn't do it. Overachievers say it's laziness. Part of me agrees, but another part just wants to strengthen what I'm good at instead of making myself upset and depressed with the thoughts of what I'm bad at.
So back to the subject of why I'm so mad and incoherent right now.
Because I know my own limitations, and have a whole barrage of fear, frustration, and self-directed anger to tame before I can get into the right mood to study, even without an argument to get over.
What you don't realise, and I feel is a mistake, was that your "concerned" comment was unhelpful because I know what I was doing, and I was focused in my mind. I was still trying to formulate a good plan, and assuming that I was focused on my work from start to end, without any MSN chats, games, or browsing, I would still struggle before I tackled biochem.
Because the fact was, I didn't know how to approach it.
What I did know, was that I didn't want to defend myself because it was difficult enough to face myself for not knowing how to study for the subject, it was even more difficult when you see that someone else is pinning his hopes on you.
What makes you think I'm incapable of turning off the chat programme if I was really pressed for time?
What makes you think I can't say no if I'm really busy?
Have you seen me when I've an exact plan of how to tackle a problem? I dive straight into it without turning back.
Have you seen me when I don't have a plan for tackling a problem? I chew over it until a last possible minute before going into the "best" plan I have. BUT you've to keep in mind, this "last possible minute" is entirely self-dictated. I can't even tell you if I've a formula to calculate it - it's entirely based on instinct and the "sense of urgency" alarm goes off. In this case of Biochem, I'd say the "last possible minute" would be the morning of the exam, since it's at 3pm.
I'm done ranting but now I'm just too frustrated and disgruntled to sleep or study. I hate fighting before exams - I can't concentrate, and it makes me mad that this stupid relationship is getting in my way, that I cannot plan for a fight and I cannot modulate my mood well enough to make this relationship NOT a factor for failure.
See, as I mentioned, my primary role is to study. BUT there are other "jobs" or tasks that I take on secondary to studying. These secondary roles must fulfil one criteria: it must not affect my studies.
So quarrelling on the night before of my exams and making me frustrated and disturbed enough not to study well, was obviously a violation of my own rule. So if I am unable to study or focus on the exam itself, I'd blame myself for being in a relationship and jeopardising myself in the first place.
I hate this feeling. I hate feeling weak from an argument, feeling uncertain of an unformulated plan, feeling too confused to be able to concentrate on demand. argh!
I started the day off thinking that I'd blog about the wonderful weekend.
Now, I'm ending the night blogging about why I got so mad. I know he'll probably read it in the morning and despite trying to write for myself, I know that this will probably be a big confused mess switching from first to third person and that kind of grammatical stuff I don't want to be bothered with right now while ranting.
So I've been worried about Biochem since some time ago. I couldn't figure out if going to class helps, and I had problems getting past the psychological barrier of studying for something I know I'm going to do badly in. You know, the usual two voices in the head telling you to do something even if you don't think you can do well, blah blah blah, and the more realistic, or more "me" voice saying, OK, let's think of ways to make this a little better than very bad. It doesn't matter if it's just a little better, because anything is better than a zero. So that's always the voice that helps me survive the nerves, because it's the worst-case-scenario/ crisis limiting agency in my brain.
I was worrying about it the whole weekend, feeling bad as I played badminton.
I was worrying about it when I thought every other Biochem student I know must be studying right now, as we cooked and entertained throughout the night.
I was worrying about it as we spent an idyllic morning having breakfast and reading the papers, trying to come up with a disaster limiting plan.
I was worrying about it while tackling the easier nutrition stuff, because for once, I still hadn't come up with a good plan.
And then you said, as a response to me telling you that I was playing an online game with MH, "You're not going to be able to finish your Biochem!"
What makes you think I'm not worried about it? Does your comment help the situation? Or is it something that you feel must be said to make you feel better, more superior? As I was reading the women's studies website on model housewives and feeling bad for leaving all the cleaning and washing to you, I thought, "Wow, I'm so lucky to be able to concentrate on my own things without worrying about the terrible state of the kitchen," the next moment felt like I was crashing on the cold, hard ground.
Of course it was OK if he had to make the sacrifice and clean up, if I had the exams the following day and couldn't help. But it wasn't fine the immediate moment I diverted my attention elsewhere, because this would waste his sacrifice.
IF I had known that X was contingent for Y to occur, then sorry, I'd rather not be obliged to you and find my own way to reach Y. In English, that means I appreciate you doing all work but that doesn't give you the right to lord over me. If that's the case, so long and thanks for the fish. I'd rather do an equal share of the work and lord over myself, and not be answerable to you for my actions/ grades.
I know my anger stemmed from many factors:
- frustration at not being able to study biochem successfully. Or at least well enough to feel like I know the material.
- guilt, at not helping with the cleaning up.
- fear, that you pinned your hopes on me to do well in biochem.
- anger, that the "cost" of your cleaning up was the "right" to expect me to study hard.
Let me make this clear if it hadn't been so before:
I'm not a model student, and I never was. I'm a terrible student who hates to study more than necessary, and unlike my best friend, I am not the type who would push myself hard if I don't like/ don't understand the subject. I'm also the lazy student who makes use of whatever little smarts I have to cover up and make up for my failures.
What I am always focused on, however, was the ultimate goal to graduate well and get into a good internship - something one semester of lousy biochem isn't going to deter.
Yes, I'm feeling an immense guilt and responsibility because it's my dad's money I'm spending here, to get my degree. It is my job to work hard and get the best results too. Some people like Carol use that as a motivation to study, because they feel more obliged to. I do too, but it's not my nature make that voice the end-all-and-be-all of my existence. You could dangle a million dollars before me, and I still wouldn't do it. Overachievers say it's laziness. Part of me agrees, but another part just wants to strengthen what I'm good at instead of making myself upset and depressed with the thoughts of what I'm bad at.
So back to the subject of why I'm so mad and incoherent right now.
Because I know my own limitations, and have a whole barrage of fear, frustration, and self-directed anger to tame before I can get into the right mood to study, even without an argument to get over.
What you don't realise, and I feel is a mistake, was that your "concerned" comment was unhelpful because I know what I was doing, and I was focused in my mind. I was still trying to formulate a good plan, and assuming that I was focused on my work from start to end, without any MSN chats, games, or browsing, I would still struggle before I tackled biochem.
Because the fact was, I didn't know how to approach it.
What I did know, was that I didn't want to defend myself because it was difficult enough to face myself for not knowing how to study for the subject, it was even more difficult when you see that someone else is pinning his hopes on you.
What makes you think I'm incapable of turning off the chat programme if I was really pressed for time?
What makes you think I can't say no if I'm really busy?
Have you seen me when I've an exact plan of how to tackle a problem? I dive straight into it without turning back.
Have you seen me when I don't have a plan for tackling a problem? I chew over it until a last possible minute before going into the "best" plan I have. BUT you've to keep in mind, this "last possible minute" is entirely self-dictated. I can't even tell you if I've a formula to calculate it - it's entirely based on instinct and the "sense of urgency" alarm goes off. In this case of Biochem, I'd say the "last possible minute" would be the morning of the exam, since it's at 3pm.
I'm done ranting but now I'm just too frustrated and disgruntled to sleep or study. I hate fighting before exams - I can't concentrate, and it makes me mad that this stupid relationship is getting in my way, that I cannot plan for a fight and I cannot modulate my mood well enough to make this relationship NOT a factor for failure.
See, as I mentioned, my primary role is to study. BUT there are other "jobs" or tasks that I take on secondary to studying. These secondary roles must fulfil one criteria: it must not affect my studies.
So quarrelling on the night before of my exams and making me frustrated and disturbed enough not to study well, was obviously a violation of my own rule. So if I am unable to study or focus on the exam itself, I'd blame myself for being in a relationship and jeopardising myself in the first place.
I hate this feeling. I hate feeling weak from an argument, feeling uncertain of an unformulated plan, feeling too confused to be able to concentrate on demand. argh!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Internships - Ranking the shortlisted candidates..
By length of programme:
26 weeks - Iowa State University
26 weeks - University of Nevada
38 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Aramark (Metropolitan NY)
40 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Sodexho (NJ/ Philly)
45 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Harper (Detroit, Michigan)
By price of tuition (note if anything extraordinary is included!):
$2600 - Harper Hospital (Detroit, Michigan) Provides dorm room, hospitalisation/healthcare, liability insurance, physical exam, meal allowance!!!
$4500 - University of Nevada (tuition + classes)
$5000 - Iowa State University
$6500 - Sodexho (NJ/ Philly)
$6500 - Aramark (Met. NY)
By gut feel:
By prestige:
By likelihood of acceptance:
By distance:
By city:
By emphasis:
10 wk management, 20 wk clinical, 4 wk community (total 38 wks) - Sodexho
35 wk clinical, 12 wk management, 5 wk community (total 45 wks) - Harper Hospital
12 wk MNT, 6 wk management, 5 wk community (total 26 wks) - Iowa State University
26 weeks - Iowa State University
26 weeks - University of Nevada
38 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Aramark (Metropolitan NY)
40 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Sodexho (NJ/ Philly)
45 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Harper (Detroit, Michigan)
By price of tuition (note if anything extraordinary is included!):
$2600 - Harper Hospital (Detroit, Michigan) Provides dorm room, hospitalisation/healthcare, liability insurance, physical exam, meal allowance!!!
$4500 - University of Nevada (tuition + classes)
$5000 - Iowa State University
$6500 - Sodexho (NJ/ Philly)
$6500 - Aramark (Met. NY)
By gut feel:
By prestige:
By likelihood of acceptance:
By distance:
By city:
By emphasis:
10 wk management, 20 wk clinical, 4 wk community (total 38 wks) - Sodexho
35 wk clinical, 12 wk management, 5 wk community (total 45 wks) - Harper Hospital
12 wk MNT, 6 wk management, 5 wk community (total 26 wks) - Iowa State University
Internship - Aramark New York
An unlikely candidate: Aramark!
Tuition: 6500
Standard requirements...
6-10 interns for Feb (out of 50 apps)
38 wks long
Doable?
Tuition: 6500
Standard requirements...
6-10 interns for Feb (out of 50 apps)
38 wks long
Doable?
Internship - Harper University (Detroit, Michigan)
Very interesting.
Jan - Nov
Achievable criteria
Cheap - $2600 tuition, housing provided, liability insurance provided, healthcare provided
Pretty straightforward criteria...
Jan - Nov
Achievable criteria
Cheap - $2600 tuition, housing provided, liability insurance provided, healthcare provided
Pretty straightforward criteria...
Internship - Mass General
Requirements:
- Communication ability
- Academics
- Self direction
- Leadership ability
- Withstand pressure
- Interpersonal skills
Tuition: $4800
Fall application
Looks very good! Well organised and not too intimidating.
- Communication ability
- Academics
- Self direction
- Leadership ability
- Withstand pressure
- Interpersonal skills
Tuition: $4800
Fall application
Looks very good! Well organised and not too intimidating.
Internship - Mayo Clinic @ Jacksonville, Florida
Pre-requisites:
Min 3.0 GPA
January/ April start
3 interns per session
6 mths long
Most impt: personal statement
Min 3.0 GPA
January/ April start
3 interns per session
6 mths long
Most impt: personal statement
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