11.08pm 30 Oct 2006 Monday
I've been having the most bizarre dreams recently. Each dream features different characters but the underlying theme is the same - in all of them, I'm somehow involved with someone I'm not supposed to, and all the protagonists have, at one point, been the object of my affections.
Today you feel very far away. Talking to you and the kids on the phone felt so much like a chore, an unfamiliar burden. I don't want to have stepchildren. I don't want to have debts to start off my independent life. Those are problems that should be worrying me when I'm older, not while my contemporaries are talking about the latest fashion or their daddy-sponsored graduation trip.
When will you finally leave me alone? Perhaps the conviction that marriage as an institution is nothing to be revered, nothing sacred has finally been drummed into my head.
But that's not why I came in here to write today. I had been looking for some recipes for the upcoming party when I stopped by some food blogs. It seems that everyone is blogging, everyone is cooking and everyone loves eating so much, that a food blog is dime in a dozen. If writing served only as a salve to my soul, then why was I so bothered that there's nothing unique about the things I do?
The truth is, I'm probably like every other blogger, writing for an audience and waiting for my shot at 10 seconds of fame.
Maybe we all seek different things in love. You seek support and encouragement, while I see your suggestions as fuel to a grandiose puff of smoke. Right now I feel like at the end of this all, there will be nothing left of me but a pile of debts, a garbage can full of castles in the sky, and a pathetic heart full of misguided optimism.
I struggle with how to end this essay because I think of Alan, and how easily hurt he was. There was a discernible change in that carefree lark's personality after I told him to harden his heart, and I will never forget how I took a fragment of my boy's poetic soul. But the question now is, who are you going to be true to? A self that is always checking itself in trying to be PC, or a self that shows the world how bitter, vindictive and quarrelsome she truly is, deep inside the black heart?
Monday, October 30, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
One
9.51pm 19 Oct 2006 Thursday
I had to dig through all my godly possessions to find my SS card and just as I was cursing and swearing at myself for throwing it away accidentally, I found it amongst a pile of old correspondence.
How long should one keep letters? I could never bring myself to throw away some things: red packets (I came up with the idea that it was inauspicious to do so) and letters/cards from friends. So I had a ball of a time looking through all those letters and cards I had even forgotten about. Of course now I regret deleting 'Tis so completely, because it'd have been fun looking back and reading those entries.
But I digress. The post is named "One" to commemorate what else, but our first anniversary. It has been one long year, and I'm happy to say that I think it'll be the start of many years.
When H and I first started out, I was unsure about the whole relationship. Every other day I thought about giving up, something which I thought I had quit doing since I was 15. We quarrelled about big things like the relationship itself, and how we were communicating. And we quarrelled about small things like can-you-do-the-dishes-NOW.
We moved in together. I visited Germany in all its cold and (unusually) snowy glory and fell in love with the adorable cottages. You visited Singapore and together, we visited everything I grew up with, even the Zoo. Throughout this 1 year, we were in 5 different countries (Germany, Singapore, Thailand, Indonesia, USA), visited 11 different cities (Kiel, WHV, Frankfurt, Hamburg, Bangkok, Singapore, Bintan, Las Vegas, Prescott, San Francisco, LA) and even took 2 long haul flights together without breaking up. Not to mention competing together in 4 different competitions (Smash Bash, Mettendorf, UA, GCSG) and losing in all of them; and finishing a 5000 (??) piece jigsaw puzzle in a goggly-eyed-and-tiring week or so.
Then we moved apart, and for a while there, I relished my newly-regained independence so much, I envisioned being alone. And one day, it dawned upon me that I'm happy in the relationship with you. Without even realising it, I had stopped running. The distance made me realise how accepting you were of my shortcomings, and how well we matched each other like lock and key.
Sometimes the lock refuses to open even when you jiggle with the key for 15 minutes (reminds me of my bike lock during freshman year - it'll always not lock/ not unlock when I'm in a rush) but most of the time the well-oiled duo fit perfectly and open up to each other without as much of a pip squeak.
I know I still think of Jeremy, and how intense the feelings had been, and I compare those times to our vanilla existence. But you know, the more I think about the past, the more I realise how flawed memories can be. I see things clearer than before - that a relationship doesn't always present its prettiest self when you first approach it, but in time you'll catch a glimmer of its brilliance and in time, as you chip the rough exterior away, you'll be left with a jewel. But as with all jewels, it requires polishing and care and all that good stuff.
So there. Happy Anniversary my dear KKK/BR/SSS!
I had to dig through all my godly possessions to find my SS card and just as I was cursing and swearing at myself for throwing it away accidentally, I found it amongst a pile of old correspondence.
How long should one keep letters? I could never bring myself to throw away some things: red packets (I came up with the idea that it was inauspicious to do so) and letters/cards from friends. So I had a ball of a time looking through all those letters and cards I had even forgotten about. Of course now I regret deleting 'Tis so completely, because it'd have been fun looking back and reading those entries.
But I digress. The post is named "One" to commemorate what else, but our first anniversary. It has been one long year, and I'm happy to say that I think it'll be the start of many years.
When H and I first started out, I was unsure about the whole relationship. Every other day I thought about giving up, something which I thought I had quit doing since I was 15. We quarrelled about big things like the relationship itself, and how we were communicating. And we quarrelled about small things like can-you-do-the-dishes-NOW.
We moved in together. I visited Germany in all its cold and (unusually) snowy glory and fell in love with the adorable cottages. You visited Singapore and together, we visited everything I grew up with, even the Zoo. Throughout this 1 year, we were in 5 different countries (Germany, Singapore, Thailand, Indonesia, USA), visited 11 different cities (Kiel, WHV, Frankfurt, Hamburg, Bangkok, Singapore, Bintan, Las Vegas, Prescott, San Francisco, LA) and even took 2 long haul flights together without breaking up. Not to mention competing together in 4 different competitions (Smash Bash, Mettendorf, UA, GCSG) and losing in all of them; and finishing a 5000 (??) piece jigsaw puzzle in a goggly-eyed-and-tiring week or so.
Then we moved apart, and for a while there, I relished my newly-regained independence so much, I envisioned being alone. And one day, it dawned upon me that I'm happy in the relationship with you. Without even realising it, I had stopped running. The distance made me realise how accepting you were of my shortcomings, and how well we matched each other like lock and key.
Sometimes the lock refuses to open even when you jiggle with the key for 15 minutes (reminds me of my bike lock during freshman year - it'll always not lock/ not unlock when I'm in a rush) but most of the time the well-oiled duo fit perfectly and open up to each other without as much of a pip squeak.
I know I still think of Jeremy, and how intense the feelings had been, and I compare those times to our vanilla existence. But you know, the more I think about the past, the more I realise how flawed memories can be. I see things clearer than before - that a relationship doesn't always present its prettiest self when you first approach it, but in time you'll catch a glimmer of its brilliance and in time, as you chip the rough exterior away, you'll be left with a jewel. But as with all jewels, it requires polishing and care and all that good stuff.
So there. Happy Anniversary my dear KKK/BR/SSS!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
The most important ingredient
9.17am 8 Oct 2006 Sunday
Eating is about the exquisite tastes and the warmth that envelopes you when you enjoy the food.
Cooking, is a process of accumulating faith.
Today I woke up and decided to make a quiche. As I was researching for a good recipe, I changed my mind and tried a pot pie recipe instead.
On Friday I had felt adventurous and bought a butternut squash despite H's warning that he didn't really like it. It was certainly hard to prepare, since that darn thing was as tough as bricks, but I managed to chop it up without destroying the countertop nor losing any fingers. The taste of a boiled butternut squash was.. not repulsive. Maybe I can ignore its taste in the final product.
Then I started making the sauce with my own proportions because I was too much of a skinflint to waste, ahem, I mean use, all my good Kerrigold butter for the recipe. So la di da di da... everything looked ok, until I tasted it. Somehow there was this flat taste so I thought maybe the flour was undercooked. The Sambuca I added had a strong licorice taste that I didn't like, but well, I'll cook it a little longer to evaporate more of the alcohol. Eee and I think my veggie stock has that strong weird taste I can't even identify. Must have been the carrot tops. After 10 minutes, I realised that the taste wasn't going to change anymore and I just have to make do with what I had. It's just 4 meals anyway.
I dumped the veggies into the sauce unceremoniously and stirred, a little disappointed at the whole experiment. After transferring the filling into 4 ovenproof bowls, I decided to eat the rest of the veggies instead of trying to stuff everything in.
To my great surprise, the unassuming veggies and the weird tasting sauce that I didn't even fancy, somehow morphed into a totally different taste when mixed together. The licorice/ anise taste from the Sambuca faded into the background. The sweetness of the butternut squash shone through the savoury, creamy sauce. Heck, even the potatoes tasted good with a little bit of the sauce.
Then I came to my great big conclusion: The most important ingredient of all, when cooking, is faith. It isn't about a million and one herbs to spice the thing up, nor does it rely on expensive and high quality ingredients. I had went with my instincts to use only 1/4 of the butter called for, 1/4 the amount of onions, homemade veggie stock in an estimated amount, and a whole lot of veggies. I took a shot at adding the amount of flour, and milk instead of cream. The original recipe had fennel, saffron, pearl onions, blah blah... I don't have no fancy schmancy fennel (and I think I'd have died from the licorice overload) so I just dunked in whatever I had, in a proportion that felt right.
You see, I realised a commonality in all my cooking attempts - it's all about faith in your ability to get a right feel for the right mix, the right taste. And a finished dish is not about its individual components, but the sum total of all your intuition.
Eating is about the exquisite tastes and the warmth that envelopes you when you enjoy the food.
Cooking, is a process of accumulating faith.
Today I woke up and decided to make a quiche. As I was researching for a good recipe, I changed my mind and tried a pot pie recipe instead.
On Friday I had felt adventurous and bought a butternut squash despite H's warning that he didn't really like it. It was certainly hard to prepare, since that darn thing was as tough as bricks, but I managed to chop it up without destroying the countertop nor losing any fingers. The taste of a boiled butternut squash was.. not repulsive. Maybe I can ignore its taste in the final product.
Then I started making the sauce with my own proportions because I was too much of a skinflint to waste, ahem, I mean use, all my good Kerrigold butter for the recipe. So la di da di da... everything looked ok, until I tasted it. Somehow there was this flat taste so I thought maybe the flour was undercooked. The Sambuca I added had a strong licorice taste that I didn't like, but well, I'll cook it a little longer to evaporate more of the alcohol. Eee and I think my veggie stock has that strong weird taste I can't even identify. Must have been the carrot tops. After 10 minutes, I realised that the taste wasn't going to change anymore and I just have to make do with what I had. It's just 4 meals anyway.
I dumped the veggies into the sauce unceremoniously and stirred, a little disappointed at the whole experiment. After transferring the filling into 4 ovenproof bowls, I decided to eat the rest of the veggies instead of trying to stuff everything in.
To my great surprise, the unassuming veggies and the weird tasting sauce that I didn't even fancy, somehow morphed into a totally different taste when mixed together. The licorice/ anise taste from the Sambuca faded into the background. The sweetness of the butternut squash shone through the savoury, creamy sauce. Heck, even the potatoes tasted good with a little bit of the sauce.
Then I came to my great big conclusion: The most important ingredient of all, when cooking, is faith. It isn't about a million and one herbs to spice the thing up, nor does it rely on expensive and high quality ingredients. I had went with my instincts to use only 1/4 of the butter called for, 1/4 the amount of onions, homemade veggie stock in an estimated amount, and a whole lot of veggies. I took a shot at adding the amount of flour, and milk instead of cream. The original recipe had fennel, saffron, pearl onions, blah blah... I don't have no fancy schmancy fennel (and I think I'd have died from the licorice overload) so I just dunked in whatever I had, in a proportion that felt right.
You see, I realised a commonality in all my cooking attempts - it's all about faith in your ability to get a right feel for the right mix, the right taste. And a finished dish is not about its individual components, but the sum total of all your intuition.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
YUMMY!
4.03pm 7 October 2006 Saturday
Remind me of the reason I don't cook often please.
*thinks hard*
OK, I hate cleaning up, but there's the dishwasher to help me out. I've to vacuum and mop the floor after my efforts because I'm too messy, but hey, might as well kill 2 birds with 1 stone, right?
I digress.
This afternoon I decided to try my hand at making lemon curd and a butter pound cake for tea, and I must say that there's nothing better than an unexpected success. Am eating my cake with the lemon curd, and both taste so delicious!
I mixed up the number of lemons and limes I have on hand but since I've already started the whole process, I thought I'd follow it through and see how the whole thing turned out. It involved about 30 minutes of hand whisking since I don't have the nice and convenient immersion whisk H's mum uses for her jams, but once you get into the rhythm of the whole business it actually feels rather therapeutic to just whisk and not think. The end product of all that whisking was a beautiful buttercup yellow, semi-liquid... curd of a creamy consistency. I poured most of it into a container but shoved the rest into the freezer so that I could eat it with my cake, and lo and behold. After about 7 minutes the thing took on a fantastic texture but best of all, the taste is so refreshing, I feel like I'm almost going to break out in sweat.
First of all, it's not too sweet. Secondly, it's wonderfully tart despite adding only 1/2 the amount of lemons the recipe called for. Thirdly, the mouthfeel of the lemon curd as it enters your mouth is.. so silky and smooth! I mean, I can eat this with scones, ice cream, even plain because it doesn't feel like a jam, which is what I think of it as. Somehow as I savoured its taste in my mouth, it felt like I was eating the essence of a lemon. Lemon ice cream is usually to tart for me, and lemonade usually has so much sugar that my tooth aches. This recipe has such a great balance between sweetness and tartness, that I cannot imagine another ratio.
My next accomplishment that left my kitchen in a mess from all the weighing (which I inadvertently always manage to spill no matter how careful,) was a pound cake. H laughed at my ignorance for not knowing the name "Pound Cake" was derived from the fact that the simple recipe consisted of 1 pound each of flour, eggs, sugar and butter. My goodness, that must be part of the reason why only rich people get fat - I don't think people can afford such luxuries back in those days of early settlement! The scrooge in me protested loudly when I measured out 1/2 measures of everything, which to me, was far more than enough. There was nothing difficult about the pound cake - mix and pop into the oven. That's it! Geez. Had I known it was so easy, I'd never have stupidly thrown my money at Sara Lee... The end result was a pretty golden cake with a rich egg-y and buttery taste. Yum yum..
Hrm. I've to say, discovering the Miss Read series really made me feel... homely. I've always liked cooking and baking, and to be honest, I do so because I'm sick of eating out. Anyway. Making the granola stuff and today's stuff really makes me feel alot more contented. Just hope I can do it more often when H and I are together. All my thoughts of cooking fly away when he's here. mm.. think I'll do this again when my mum, aunt, H and his parents come! It'll be such a delectable afternoon tea.. =)
Recipe for lemon curd: (Adapted from Alton Brown's recipe available at Food Network)
5 egg yolks
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup lemon juice (reserve zest - might be a good idea to chop it up into small pieces)
1 stick of butter cut into pats and chilled
Steps:
1. Prepare a double boiler with gently simmering water. A gentle simmer means you can see an occasional bubble burst onto the surface. Use a pot that is just slightly bigger than your bowl - DON'T LET THE BOWL TOUCH THE WATER!
2. Using a bowl slightly smaller than the pot so that it can still fit into the pot but not touch the water, whisk egg yolks with sugar till creamy.
3. Add lemon juice + zest. Whisk till creamy. I only had 2 lemons, so I added the juice from 2 limes.
4. Put the bowl over the double boiler. MAKE SURE BOWL DOES NOT TOUCH WATER. OK, if I repeat something 3 times, it must be important right..?
5. Whisk the mixture for about 8 minutes till it thickens. What does thicken mean..? At the start of the reaction you'll see a liquid-y mixture. Upon heating, the egg yolks get cooked and the whole mixture thickens like a scramble egg. You want to whisk all the time so that the mixture will be smooth!
6. When you're satisfied that the mixture has thickened, remove from heat. Immediately whisk in the butter you've chilled previously, 1 pat at a time till it's completely melted. (I got tired at the end at stopped with about... 1/5 of the butter left so you can always judge for yourself.)
7. At this point, your curd is done! Transfer into a contained and gently put plastic wrap on the curd itself to prevent a skin from forming. Refrigerate to solidify the curd, and use within 2 weeks.
NOTE!!! A little bit of lemon curd goes a long way so be prudent in using... Now I've a whole lot left on my plate because I was too greedy, but on the other hand I'm too parsimonious to throw it away...
Recipe for Pound Cake: (I kind of made it up..)
200g butter
about 50g cream cheese
230g flour
250g eggs (weighed with shell on)
210g sugar
pinch of salt
pinch of baking powder
pinch of baking soda
Preheat oven to 350F or 170C
1. Cream butter and cream cheese.
2. Add sugar and whisk till creamy.
3. Add in eggs 1 by 1. (I used 4 eggs)
4. Sift in flour, salt, baking powder and baking soda.
5. Mix till just incorporated - minimise mixing to keep cake soft and fluffy!
Bake till stick inserted comes clean. (Mine took about 45 mins, some recipes gave 1h 15 mins, so just bake for 30 mins and observe its progress.)
Remind me of the reason I don't cook often please.
*thinks hard*
OK, I hate cleaning up, but there's the dishwasher to help me out. I've to vacuum and mop the floor after my efforts because I'm too messy, but hey, might as well kill 2 birds with 1 stone, right?
I digress.
This afternoon I decided to try my hand at making lemon curd and a butter pound cake for tea, and I must say that there's nothing better than an unexpected success. Am eating my cake with the lemon curd, and both taste so delicious!
I mixed up the number of lemons and limes I have on hand but since I've already started the whole process, I thought I'd follow it through and see how the whole thing turned out. It involved about 30 minutes of hand whisking since I don't have the nice and convenient immersion whisk H's mum uses for her jams, but once you get into the rhythm of the whole business it actually feels rather therapeutic to just whisk and not think. The end product of all that whisking was a beautiful buttercup yellow, semi-liquid... curd of a creamy consistency. I poured most of it into a container but shoved the rest into the freezer so that I could eat it with my cake, and lo and behold. After about 7 minutes the thing took on a fantastic texture but best of all, the taste is so refreshing, I feel like I'm almost going to break out in sweat.
First of all, it's not too sweet. Secondly, it's wonderfully tart despite adding only 1/2 the amount of lemons the recipe called for. Thirdly, the mouthfeel of the lemon curd as it enters your mouth is.. so silky and smooth! I mean, I can eat this with scones, ice cream, even plain because it doesn't feel like a jam, which is what I think of it as. Somehow as I savoured its taste in my mouth, it felt like I was eating the essence of a lemon. Lemon ice cream is usually to tart for me, and lemonade usually has so much sugar that my tooth aches. This recipe has such a great balance between sweetness and tartness, that I cannot imagine another ratio.
My next accomplishment that left my kitchen in a mess from all the weighing (which I inadvertently always manage to spill no matter how careful,) was a pound cake. H laughed at my ignorance for not knowing the name "Pound Cake" was derived from the fact that the simple recipe consisted of 1 pound each of flour, eggs, sugar and butter. My goodness, that must be part of the reason why only rich people get fat - I don't think people can afford such luxuries back in those days of early settlement! The scrooge in me protested loudly when I measured out 1/2 measures of everything, which to me, was far more than enough. There was nothing difficult about the pound cake - mix and pop into the oven. That's it! Geez. Had I known it was so easy, I'd never have stupidly thrown my money at Sara Lee... The end result was a pretty golden cake with a rich egg-y and buttery taste. Yum yum..
Hrm. I've to say, discovering the Miss Read series really made me feel... homely. I've always liked cooking and baking, and to be honest, I do so because I'm sick of eating out. Anyway. Making the granola stuff and today's stuff really makes me feel alot more contented. Just hope I can do it more often when H and I are together. All my thoughts of cooking fly away when he's here. mm.. think I'll do this again when my mum, aunt, H and his parents come! It'll be such a delectable afternoon tea.. =)
Recipe for lemon curd: (Adapted from Alton Brown's recipe available at Food Network)
5 egg yolks
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup lemon juice (reserve zest - might be a good idea to chop it up into small pieces)
1 stick of butter cut into pats and chilled
Steps:
1. Prepare a double boiler with gently simmering water. A gentle simmer means you can see an occasional bubble burst onto the surface. Use a pot that is just slightly bigger than your bowl - DON'T LET THE BOWL TOUCH THE WATER!
2. Using a bowl slightly smaller than the pot so that it can still fit into the pot but not touch the water, whisk egg yolks with sugar till creamy.
3. Add lemon juice + zest. Whisk till creamy. I only had 2 lemons, so I added the juice from 2 limes.
4. Put the bowl over the double boiler. MAKE SURE BOWL DOES NOT TOUCH WATER. OK, if I repeat something 3 times, it must be important right..?
5. Whisk the mixture for about 8 minutes till it thickens. What does thicken mean..? At the start of the reaction you'll see a liquid-y mixture. Upon heating, the egg yolks get cooked and the whole mixture thickens like a scramble egg. You want to whisk all the time so that the mixture will be smooth!
6. When you're satisfied that the mixture has thickened, remove from heat. Immediately whisk in the butter you've chilled previously, 1 pat at a time till it's completely melted. (I got tired at the end at stopped with about... 1/5 of the butter left so you can always judge for yourself.)
7. At this point, your curd is done! Transfer into a contained and gently put plastic wrap on the curd itself to prevent a skin from forming. Refrigerate to solidify the curd, and use within 2 weeks.
NOTE!!! A little bit of lemon curd goes a long way so be prudent in using... Now I've a whole lot left on my plate because I was too greedy, but on the other hand I'm too parsimonious to throw it away...
Recipe for Pound Cake: (I kind of made it up..)
200g butter
about 50g cream cheese
230g flour
250g eggs (weighed with shell on)
210g sugar
pinch of salt
pinch of baking powder
pinch of baking soda
Preheat oven to 350F or 170C
1. Cream butter and cream cheese.
2. Add sugar and whisk till creamy.
3. Add in eggs 1 by 1. (I used 4 eggs)
4. Sift in flour, salt, baking powder and baking soda.
5. Mix till just incorporated - minimise mixing to keep cake soft and fluffy!
Bake till stick inserted comes clean. (Mine took about 45 mins, some recipes gave 1h 15 mins, so just bake for 30 mins and observe its progress.)
Friday, October 06, 2006
Super Size Me
10.30pm 6 October 2006 Friday
OK, I know I'm a little late in watching the movie but tonight I finally sat down in front of the computer to watch the DVD of Super Size Me from my friendly neighbourhood library, with my piping hot dinner before me. The movie started, and the dinner was soon forgotten (although it was a perfectly healthy dinner of kai lan with beef and mushrooms...).
An incredible documentary, although I did google on it to see if there were any alternative views offered. Apparently a Swedish professor replicated the experiment to results that were much less horrific than that of the movie's producer. That was most curious, although I wonder if they took all the blood tests right after a meal or after fasting, since the baseline data was based on fasting levels.
In any case, the comparison of food decomposition was certainly interesting - my rubbish smelt so bad after I stupidly threw out a piece of frozen meat on Saturday night when garbage collection was on Wednesday, that I cannot imagine why or how it's possible that the french fries didn't decompose after 10 weeks. Could be the high salt content since salt is an antimicrobial agent. Whatever the reason is, I'm glad I've never had MickeyD's since I came here, except for an odd McGriddle once in a blue moon.
It's funny how people arrive at food choices - Initially when I first came to the US, I made a conscientious effort to avoid McDonald's except an occasional breakfast. But over time, I didn't even have to go out of my way to accomplish that. But I definitely agree with the correlation of food and memories. When I was a kid, we used to go to McDonald's for breakfast only when my dad was in a good mood. So I naturally associated McD's Hotcakes with Sausage with Good Times. When I came here,you can imagine my ecstasy at trying out IHOP's pancakes, the Good Egg's pancakes, and eventually H's pancakes. You marvel at the things you used to eat before you discovered the Real Thing. H's pancakes only consist of flour, milk, eggs, and butter for the pan. That's it!!! I don't even want to think of what McD's pancakes contain..
But anyhow. Back to my point. I was going somewhere with all these thoughts... Take for example today, when I spent $52 on groceries. I bought a small piece of beef (about 3oz, which is the correct amount for 1 serving of meat) and I felt like a miser because it was half the size of 1 package of meat that's supposed to be some guy's steak. And I didn't even manage to finish half the beef, despite it being tender, juicy and flavourful! The only other meat I got was like, 100g of ground pork, which is get this, only 20% of the smallest packet available, but slightly more than the recommended serving size! Assuming that I cooked with the groceries I got today (you can even subtract like, $5-10 for the non-food items), I can eat for at least 5 days on all those ingredients; I'll probably meet all the nutritional needs I have... The only problem is, people ignore the long term costs associated with fast food and only focus on the short run.
Sure, I spent time making dinner. Of course I had to move to get the food on the table. But consider this - you've to drive to the restaurant (10 mins), look at the menu (5 mins), order and wait (10 mins) = 25 mins before you eat! I can probably cook something that I really want within that time span too. After H left and I had to start cooking again, I realised what a terrible lifestyle we were living - lunch AND dinner AND occasionally breakfast outside. Now the kitchen is messier than it was, and I often violate my own no-dishes-overnight rule, but I think overall I'm eating better, and I'm actually exploring different types of food.
Ah well. Not very coherent thoughts but all-in-all, I'm giving myself a pat on the back for making granola and granola bars for school next week. I've come to realise that I'm one of those people who eat and eat throughout the day, and if I don't eat something at 11-ish, I get grouchy, grumpy and pretty unhappy in general. So will try my new granola stuff to see if it helps... Made 3 kinds!
1. AB's Maple flavoured granola - made with rolled oats, almonds, pecans, brown sugar, butter, 100% pure vanilla extract, 100% pure maple syrup!
2. AB's granola bars (1) - made with rolled oats, wheat germ, almonds, hazelnuts, brown sugar, butter, mesquite citrus honey I bought at the Farmer's Market today from the beekeeper himself, and golden raisins.
3. AB's granola bars (2) - all of the above, sans golden raisin, but with some old-fashioned peanut butter made with nothing but peanuts + salt, and choc chip!
All taste pretty good, although I think I added a little too much salt so everything is tasting a bit weird. Still good, of course. Will be making something involving lemon somehow or other, most probably a lemon curd of some sorts, and sandwiched between two butter cookies.. mm yummy!
Very tired - will have a nice soak in the tub with my newly bought dried flowers and Epsom salts. Anticipating a good night's sleep!
OK, I know I'm a little late in watching the movie but tonight I finally sat down in front of the computer to watch the DVD of Super Size Me from my friendly neighbourhood library, with my piping hot dinner before me. The movie started, and the dinner was soon forgotten (although it was a perfectly healthy dinner of kai lan with beef and mushrooms...).
An incredible documentary, although I did google on it to see if there were any alternative views offered. Apparently a Swedish professor replicated the experiment to results that were much less horrific than that of the movie's producer. That was most curious, although I wonder if they took all the blood tests right after a meal or after fasting, since the baseline data was based on fasting levels.
In any case, the comparison of food decomposition was certainly interesting - my rubbish smelt so bad after I stupidly threw out a piece of frozen meat on Saturday night when garbage collection was on Wednesday, that I cannot imagine why or how it's possible that the french fries didn't decompose after 10 weeks. Could be the high salt content since salt is an antimicrobial agent. Whatever the reason is, I'm glad I've never had MickeyD's since I came here, except for an odd McGriddle once in a blue moon.
It's funny how people arrive at food choices - Initially when I first came to the US, I made a conscientious effort to avoid McDonald's except an occasional breakfast. But over time, I didn't even have to go out of my way to accomplish that. But I definitely agree with the correlation of food and memories. When I was a kid, we used to go to McDonald's for breakfast only when my dad was in a good mood. So I naturally associated McD's Hotcakes with Sausage with Good Times. When I came here,you can imagine my ecstasy at trying out IHOP's pancakes, the Good Egg's pancakes, and eventually H's pancakes. You marvel at the things you used to eat before you discovered the Real Thing. H's pancakes only consist of flour, milk, eggs, and butter for the pan. That's it!!! I don't even want to think of what McD's pancakes contain..
But anyhow. Back to my point. I was going somewhere with all these thoughts... Take for example today, when I spent $52 on groceries. I bought a small piece of beef (about 3oz, which is the correct amount for 1 serving of meat) and I felt like a miser because it was half the size of 1 package of meat that's supposed to be some guy's steak. And I didn't even manage to finish half the beef, despite it being tender, juicy and flavourful! The only other meat I got was like, 100g of ground pork, which is get this, only 20% of the smallest packet available, but slightly more than the recommended serving size! Assuming that I cooked with the groceries I got today (you can even subtract like, $5-10 for the non-food items), I can eat for at least 5 days on all those ingredients; I'll probably meet all the nutritional needs I have... The only problem is, people ignore the long term costs associated with fast food and only focus on the short run.
Sure, I spent time making dinner. Of course I had to move to get the food on the table. But consider this - you've to drive to the restaurant (10 mins), look at the menu (5 mins), order and wait (10 mins) = 25 mins before you eat! I can probably cook something that I really want within that time span too. After H left and I had to start cooking again, I realised what a terrible lifestyle we were living - lunch AND dinner AND occasionally breakfast outside. Now the kitchen is messier than it was, and I often violate my own no-dishes-overnight rule, but I think overall I'm eating better, and I'm actually exploring different types of food.
Ah well. Not very coherent thoughts but all-in-all, I'm giving myself a pat on the back for making granola and granola bars for school next week. I've come to realise that I'm one of those people who eat and eat throughout the day, and if I don't eat something at 11-ish, I get grouchy, grumpy and pretty unhappy in general. So will try my new granola stuff to see if it helps... Made 3 kinds!
1. AB's Maple flavoured granola - made with rolled oats, almonds, pecans, brown sugar, butter, 100% pure vanilla extract, 100% pure maple syrup!
2. AB's granola bars (1) - made with rolled oats, wheat germ, almonds, hazelnuts, brown sugar, butter, mesquite citrus honey I bought at the Farmer's Market today from the beekeeper himself, and golden raisins.
3. AB's granola bars (2) - all of the above, sans golden raisin, but with some old-fashioned peanut butter made with nothing but peanuts + salt, and choc chip!
All taste pretty good, although I think I added a little too much salt so everything is tasting a bit weird. Still good, of course. Will be making something involving lemon somehow or other, most probably a lemon curd of some sorts, and sandwiched between two butter cookies.. mm yummy!
Very tired - will have a nice soak in the tub with my newly bought dried flowers and Epsom salts. Anticipating a good night's sleep!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Metamorphasis
7.57pm 20 September 2006 Wednesday
Over the years I think I've come to understand myself a little bit more. I remember the sessions with the nice Indian lady who helped me come to terms with some doubts I had about myself, and in the process, accept some of the confounded actions I pursue intuitively.
There were lull periods when I felt general despair at how my life was progressing (or not). These were times when I would bury my stubborn nose in a book, refusing to look at the rapidly moving world straight in the eye. At some point, however, my apathy would start to disturb even the placid cow in me that wants to graze in green meadows all spring long, and I would be spurred into action.
Today is one of the ah-ha! days. I can feel myself shedding the coat of gloom that has shrouded me for some time, inspired by the books I've recently read. It's amazing what reading can do to you - I feel like I was given a hard shake and a good rap on the knuckle by Life itself.
It's not true to say that I don't know what I want - I do know that I do not want to live a life of mediocrity. I know that I deeply love H and he is the one I entrust my future with. But through this recent episode of self-discovery, I also realise that the crux to knowing myself, is to spend long quiet periods of time alone. Right now I've firmly established what was missing the past month since semester started: a conviction that I know that I'm chasing after something worthwhile, and the drive to do it.
Having said that, I still cannot say for sure I know exactly what I'm chasing after, but I've a rather clear picture in my head. My short term goals are quite straightforward, but my long term goals are still a little fuzzy around the edges.
But I think I have the plan in essence, all condensed in my head.
You must be curious; what boosted my confidence as suddenly as it was taken away?
1. Playing in the competition with a new partner, I was sure that we won't stand a chance, especially since he doesn't seem entirely keen to play all out. But I was at greater fault: I had no faith in the two of us as a team, and I was convinced that there was no way we would win. However, the past 2 times we played together, I realised that we were both go-getters and winning every single point was like a matter of personal pride - either you fight hard for it, or you don't play. Winning didn't have anything to do with competing in a sport, but the fact that I went out there and challenged someone should have been the whole point of the exercise. That episode made me realise what a coward I had been, and how afraid I was to fail. But right now, it doesn't matter to me whether or not we win, because the most important thing is to try as hard as I can.
2. Applying for the internships and not having confidence that I will be accepted at all, and then having to decide if I want to give it all up to go to Germany was a rough blow to me. Initially I was ecstatic to send out my applications, because that meant that the whole matter was out of my hands. Then I had to contemplate if I wanted to forsake that to save my relationship. It's like running the last leg of a marathon and then realising you don't know what the end point is, because the fork that suddenly appeared before you wasn't in your mental map. Thankfully we got past that torturous decision and I have to say, I'm very relieved at finding the right path without breaking my stride.
3. Finally, it was processing all the books that I've read recently and the snatches of conversation I've had with people. I think at some point I've finally accepted the fact that I am no longer a child, and the decisions I make are no longer as clear cut as they used to be. Had I been any wiser, I would have applied to other schools. Maybe my life would have been much different, but we would never know. In any case, I've cast my lot and perhaps this was the path I was meant to take. Beneath all my insecurities, I am surprised at the confidence I feel in making my current decisions, which I have to say, were the same objectives I had started out with 3.5 years ago.
All in all, it has been a very scary time dealing with myself as I meandered along the path. The best thing I have regained through this process of self-discovery, I must say, is the faith in myself all over again. So there. Let this semester end peacefully and as planned, and I will count the days till 13 Nov, Match Day, when I will find out exactly what I'll be doing in 2007. But whatever may come, please grant me the fortitude and wisdom to make the right choices.
Take a deep breath, and now plunge into all the work I have lying before me. They have been waiting patiently enough and it is now time to finish up what I started.
Over the years I think I've come to understand myself a little bit more. I remember the sessions with the nice Indian lady who helped me come to terms with some doubts I had about myself, and in the process, accept some of the confounded actions I pursue intuitively.
There were lull periods when I felt general despair at how my life was progressing (or not). These were times when I would bury my stubborn nose in a book, refusing to look at the rapidly moving world straight in the eye. At some point, however, my apathy would start to disturb even the placid cow in me that wants to graze in green meadows all spring long, and I would be spurred into action.
Today is one of the ah-ha! days. I can feel myself shedding the coat of gloom that has shrouded me for some time, inspired by the books I've recently read. It's amazing what reading can do to you - I feel like I was given a hard shake and a good rap on the knuckle by Life itself.
It's not true to say that I don't know what I want - I do know that I do not want to live a life of mediocrity. I know that I deeply love H and he is the one I entrust my future with. But through this recent episode of self-discovery, I also realise that the crux to knowing myself, is to spend long quiet periods of time alone. Right now I've firmly established what was missing the past month since semester started: a conviction that I know that I'm chasing after something worthwhile, and the drive to do it.
Having said that, I still cannot say for sure I know exactly what I'm chasing after, but I've a rather clear picture in my head. My short term goals are quite straightforward, but my long term goals are still a little fuzzy around the edges.
But I think I have the plan in essence, all condensed in my head.
You must be curious; what boosted my confidence as suddenly as it was taken away?
1. Playing in the competition with a new partner, I was sure that we won't stand a chance, especially since he doesn't seem entirely keen to play all out. But I was at greater fault: I had no faith in the two of us as a team, and I was convinced that there was no way we would win. However, the past 2 times we played together, I realised that we were both go-getters and winning every single point was like a matter of personal pride - either you fight hard for it, or you don't play. Winning didn't have anything to do with competing in a sport, but the fact that I went out there and challenged someone should have been the whole point of the exercise. That episode made me realise what a coward I had been, and how afraid I was to fail. But right now, it doesn't matter to me whether or not we win, because the most important thing is to try as hard as I can.
2. Applying for the internships and not having confidence that I will be accepted at all, and then having to decide if I want to give it all up to go to Germany was a rough blow to me. Initially I was ecstatic to send out my applications, because that meant that the whole matter was out of my hands. Then I had to contemplate if I wanted to forsake that to save my relationship. It's like running the last leg of a marathon and then realising you don't know what the end point is, because the fork that suddenly appeared before you wasn't in your mental map. Thankfully we got past that torturous decision and I have to say, I'm very relieved at finding the right path without breaking my stride.
3. Finally, it was processing all the books that I've read recently and the snatches of conversation I've had with people. I think at some point I've finally accepted the fact that I am no longer a child, and the decisions I make are no longer as clear cut as they used to be. Had I been any wiser, I would have applied to other schools. Maybe my life would have been much different, but we would never know. In any case, I've cast my lot and perhaps this was the path I was meant to take. Beneath all my insecurities, I am surprised at the confidence I feel in making my current decisions, which I have to say, were the same objectives I had started out with 3.5 years ago.
All in all, it has been a very scary time dealing with myself as I meandered along the path. The best thing I have regained through this process of self-discovery, I must say, is the faith in myself all over again. So there. Let this semester end peacefully and as planned, and I will count the days till 13 Nov, Match Day, when I will find out exactly what I'll be doing in 2007. But whatever may come, please grant me the fortitude and wisdom to make the right choices.
Take a deep breath, and now plunge into all the work I have lying before me. They have been waiting patiently enough and it is now time to finish up what I started.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Singledom - it's really not as bad.
1.04pm 9 September 2006 Saturday
I've forgotten how it feels like to be single, where every day is your own and your days are both lonely and then not. Recently I've gotten used to the idea that H and I are living in separate cities, and I don't know how I really feel about that. When you realise that you can actually live without a person, you wonder how important he is to you.
That ties in with your definition of love, I guess. Some days I think, I can't leave him because he's everything I want. I'd do anything for him, and I'm sure vice versa. There's just no question of holding back in my actions, because I know he's honest and upfront with me, so I can give without hesitating. Then again, what you feel inside are a completely different thing. On other days, I ask myself relentless, "What does he mean to you, if you can live without him?"
Last week I picked up a copy of Miss Manner's Guide to Etiquette from the library. One of the articles talked about marriage, and how it's not about marrying the perfect person, but being a perfect person for the one you marry.
The thing is, I miss the feeling of a wildly thumping heart that accompanies a fresh new relationship. On Friday I almost asked a male classmate out, but I backed out the last moment. Afterwards Nanao and I talked about it, and I was able to laugh it off although my face was red with embarrassment. That was when I realised that I only missed the whole chase, the insecurity of a new crush, if you will, but in fact, I'm not looking for anyone, because no one can match up to H.
But you know, all my fears about being alone are somewhat unfounded, I suppose. All this while I've been thinking, am I with H because it's so comfortable, because I'm afraid to walk away to singlehood again? For some time, I was mad at my cowardly self because I was convinced that I was. And then I started embracing my time alone by doing the things I like. Soon, I discovered that opportunities to make friends will show up and you don't really have to do anything (like going to Craigslist *shudders in horror at the memory*) to force fate's hand. In fact, going through those channels actually made me feel alot worse about myself, and I'm quite sure that it's something I will never do again. I mean, it's one thing joining and organising groups, but it's another thing altogether responding to personal ads.
Anyhow. Off to the library to re-establish my friendship with books again. That's the nice thing about books - it never berates you when you put it down and forget all about it. Instead, it quietly awaits the next time you have a minute to read a page or two, and consigns itself to silence till you come back. But it never doubts for a moment, that you've forgotten it, because it knows it's secure in your heart as a very good friend.
I've forgotten how it feels like to be single, where every day is your own and your days are both lonely and then not. Recently I've gotten used to the idea that H and I are living in separate cities, and I don't know how I really feel about that. When you realise that you can actually live without a person, you wonder how important he is to you.
That ties in with your definition of love, I guess. Some days I think, I can't leave him because he's everything I want. I'd do anything for him, and I'm sure vice versa. There's just no question of holding back in my actions, because I know he's honest and upfront with me, so I can give without hesitating. Then again, what you feel inside are a completely different thing. On other days, I ask myself relentless, "What does he mean to you, if you can live without him?"
Last week I picked up a copy of Miss Manner's Guide to Etiquette from the library. One of the articles talked about marriage, and how it's not about marrying the perfect person, but being a perfect person for the one you marry.
The thing is, I miss the feeling of a wildly thumping heart that accompanies a fresh new relationship. On Friday I almost asked a male classmate out, but I backed out the last moment. Afterwards Nanao and I talked about it, and I was able to laugh it off although my face was red with embarrassment. That was when I realised that I only missed the whole chase, the insecurity of a new crush, if you will, but in fact, I'm not looking for anyone, because no one can match up to H.
But you know, all my fears about being alone are somewhat unfounded, I suppose. All this while I've been thinking, am I with H because it's so comfortable, because I'm afraid to walk away to singlehood again? For some time, I was mad at my cowardly self because I was convinced that I was. And then I started embracing my time alone by doing the things I like. Soon, I discovered that opportunities to make friends will show up and you don't really have to do anything (like going to Craigslist *shudders in horror at the memory*) to force fate's hand. In fact, going through those channels actually made me feel alot worse about myself, and I'm quite sure that it's something I will never do again. I mean, it's one thing joining and organising groups, but it's another thing altogether responding to personal ads.
Anyhow. Off to the library to re-establish my friendship with books again. That's the nice thing about books - it never berates you when you put it down and forget all about it. Instead, it quietly awaits the next time you have a minute to read a page or two, and consigns itself to silence till you come back. But it never doubts for a moment, that you've forgotten it, because it knows it's secure in your heart as a very good friend.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
I'm bored.
5.20pm 5 Sept 2006 Tuesday
I'm incredibly bored. I'm so bored that I'm almost sick of myself.
But guess what? There's nothing I can do about it because:
a) I've been through the entire list of clubs and societies in the university and about 40% are Greek houses, 20% are societies for volunteering, 10% are cultural, 15% are professional, and the remaining 5% are just weird. And there are no sports clubs that are interesting, except handball, which I'm awaiting a reply from.
b) Outside the university, there're only clubs that are for overweight and geriatric singles, and those interested in birds/ cactus/ astronomy/ botany/ gems... etc.
I've tried googling for clubs and societies in all possible combinations and permutations to no avail. Sigh. Is this the end of my social life? Maybe this is how everyone without a core group of friends feel. Bleah. This is so terrible! I should be in the prime of my life but yet I'm stuck in this horrible rut.
Think!!! I must not be thinking hard enough. Oh, the other weird but interesting club I've discovered - the Tucson Sushi Society. hehe. If not for the fact that I don't like Sushi, I'd have joined it out of desperation - I almost joined the Networking Singles Society until a book I picked up said something along the lines of "C'mon, nobody is innocent enough to think that they're really networking"...
Sigh.
I'm incredibly bored. I'm so bored that I'm almost sick of myself.
But guess what? There's nothing I can do about it because:
a) I've been through the entire list of clubs and societies in the university and about 40% are Greek houses, 20% are societies for volunteering, 10% are cultural, 15% are professional, and the remaining 5% are just weird. And there are no sports clubs that are interesting, except handball, which I'm awaiting a reply from.
b) Outside the university, there're only clubs that are for overweight and geriatric singles, and those interested in birds/ cactus/ astronomy/ botany/ gems... etc.
I've tried googling for clubs and societies in all possible combinations and permutations to no avail. Sigh. Is this the end of my social life? Maybe this is how everyone without a core group of friends feel. Bleah. This is so terrible! I should be in the prime of my life but yet I'm stuck in this horrible rut.
Think!!! I must not be thinking hard enough. Oh, the other weird but interesting club I've discovered - the Tucson Sushi Society. hehe. If not for the fact that I don't like Sushi, I'd have joined it out of desperation - I almost joined the Networking Singles Society until a book I picked up said something along the lines of "C'mon, nobody is innocent enough to think that they're really networking"...
Sigh.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Dream dream dream dreeeaaamm-mm-mm...
3.32pm 23 Aug 2006 Wednesday
Eeks. The online Physics class doesn't seem like such a good idea after all but it's too late to back out. Just ordered an at-home kit which I'm supposed to use to do the labs. Dang it! I thought it was all theoretical. And it cost me more than a hundred buckeroos!
So much for short cuts...
Anyway. Back to more important musings like my wonderful holiday in Germany where I visited my lovely H. (I swear I must be PMS-y since I'm swinging from one mood to the next so quickly)
Our first weekend after being apart for 1 month was spent with his parents in Wendtorf, which would have been fine, if not for the fact that we needed time to readjust to each other. Unfortunately neither of us had forseen that so it ended up being somewhat awkward, although I've to admit that it did get us into a routine of sorts, since his parents' place followed a rather predictable schedule.
If I had to condense my recent trip to Germany into 1 word, it is without a doubt "fruit".
We walked to his father's garden and stopped for scrumptious blackberries, immensely sour plums and unripe apples. When we were at his garden, his father reached over to the neighbour's unkempt yard for some incredibly ripe and flavourful raspberries. After that, H and I were inspired to go fruit hunting and discovered a long blackberry hedge in Wilhemshaven, although the fruit was nowhere as good. We also stopped to take a look at a plum tree on the way to badminton, and boy were we glad that we did - the plum was succulent, sweet, and had a rich taste I presume you can only get from a wild grown fruit.
I can still remember sinking my teeth into the plump nectarines his mum bought - H always insists on cutting the fruit up, which I admit makes it easier to eat, but part of the novelty IS having fruit juice dribbling down your chin and fingers. Ooh and those yummy cherries we had doubted because the cherry season should have been over... Dang it. We should have bought everything the lady had! The cherries were ripe but not soft, and extremely juicy and sweet. Yummmmy!
But now I'm back into the land of fake fruits, where nectarines are rock hard, sour, "siap siap" (which roughly means acidic in Teochew, a Chinese dialect) and have a waxy appearance; where blueberries/ raspberries/ blackberries cost a bomb but are nowhere as nice as the ones we pick ourselves; and the kiwis are disappointingly sour and hard, despite being allowed to ripen on the counter for several days.
Sigh. That's the closest I think I'll ever get to my Enid Blyton induced dream of picking blackberries and eating them until my face is grimy with its sticky juice, and then falling asleep, only to dream of pixies, elves and goblins dancing around me.
Unless we grow our own blackberry/ raspberry hedge and plum tree and all those goodies when we have a pretty cottage by the lake... I think I might be overindulging in those dreams in effort to stay away from the reality of applying for my internship, which is coming up realllly quickly.
Eeks. The online Physics class doesn't seem like such a good idea after all but it's too late to back out. Just ordered an at-home kit which I'm supposed to use to do the labs. Dang it! I thought it was all theoretical. And it cost me more than a hundred buckeroos!
So much for short cuts...
Anyway. Back to more important musings like my wonderful holiday in Germany where I visited my lovely H. (I swear I must be PMS-y since I'm swinging from one mood to the next so quickly)
Our first weekend after being apart for 1 month was spent with his parents in Wendtorf, which would have been fine, if not for the fact that we needed time to readjust to each other. Unfortunately neither of us had forseen that so it ended up being somewhat awkward, although I've to admit that it did get us into a routine of sorts, since his parents' place followed a rather predictable schedule.
If I had to condense my recent trip to Germany into 1 word, it is without a doubt "fruit".
We walked to his father's garden and stopped for scrumptious blackberries, immensely sour plums and unripe apples. When we were at his garden, his father reached over to the neighbour's unkempt yard for some incredibly ripe and flavourful raspberries. After that, H and I were inspired to go fruit hunting and discovered a long blackberry hedge in Wilhemshaven, although the fruit was nowhere as good. We also stopped to take a look at a plum tree on the way to badminton, and boy were we glad that we did - the plum was succulent, sweet, and had a rich taste I presume you can only get from a wild grown fruit.
I can still remember sinking my teeth into the plump nectarines his mum bought - H always insists on cutting the fruit up, which I admit makes it easier to eat, but part of the novelty IS having fruit juice dribbling down your chin and fingers. Ooh and those yummy cherries we had doubted because the cherry season should have been over... Dang it. We should have bought everything the lady had! The cherries were ripe but not soft, and extremely juicy and sweet. Yummmmy!
But now I'm back into the land of fake fruits, where nectarines are rock hard, sour, "siap siap" (which roughly means acidic in Teochew, a Chinese dialect) and have a waxy appearance; where blueberries/ raspberries/ blackberries cost a bomb but are nowhere as nice as the ones we pick ourselves; and the kiwis are disappointingly sour and hard, despite being allowed to ripen on the counter for several days.
Sigh. That's the closest I think I'll ever get to my Enid Blyton induced dream of picking blackberries and eating them until my face is grimy with its sticky juice, and then falling asleep, only to dream of pixies, elves and goblins dancing around me.
Unless we grow our own blackberry/ raspberry hedge and plum tree and all those goodies when we have a pretty cottage by the lake... I think I might be overindulging in those dreams in effort to stay away from the reality of applying for my internship, which is coming up realllly quickly.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
"Don't presume to tell me what I will and will not do. You don't know me."
8.36am 9 Aug 2006 Wednesday
It's National Day. I miss the fireworks, the gatherings that would have taken place... but that's not why I'm writing today. Flying off to my love in 5 hours and I'm very excited! Finally get to wear my cute little plaid skirt from Target.
So today I was reading a blog linked from someone else's blog, and it said on the sidebar: "You don't know me. Don't ever think you do." That reminded me of the famous phrase from the Titanic that Rose told Jack just as she was about to jump, (at least I think that was the scene..) "Don't presume to tell me what I will and will not do. You don't know me."
Why are some people so fixated with that phrase? I mean, if they choose to put up a mask in public to hide their melancholy, their sadness, their pain, why act cool when people see through them, or attempt to know them better? If you're really disinterested in people knowing the real you, then by all means stay away from others.
Unfortunately, the fact that they can't stay away from people and from making friends show that they do want someone to break into their heart - they're just unwilling to be honest with themselves and with their friends. How fair is that to their own selves, and the people who have treated them well?
When something happens and their actual emotions leak through and people say, "But that's not like you," they flare up. If it's so hard for you to be truthful to the people around you, don't blame them for thinking they know you, that they are your friend. Because friends are supposed to be honest with each other, and to help carry your burden. If you're the one who chose to shut yourself out and only present one side of your personality to others, why blame your friends, or people who think they know you, for not knowing you?
Having said that, I don't think I actually have any friends who have said that to me. It's just that I've seen and heard people say that, and it never fails to leave me wondering why they do something like that to hurt themselves, and their friends.
Anyhow. Donna is coming for me soon - better finish up some last minute packing!
It's National Day. I miss the fireworks, the gatherings that would have taken place... but that's not why I'm writing today. Flying off to my love in 5 hours and I'm very excited! Finally get to wear my cute little plaid skirt from Target.
So today I was reading a blog linked from someone else's blog, and it said on the sidebar: "You don't know me. Don't ever think you do." That reminded me of the famous phrase from the Titanic that Rose told Jack just as she was about to jump, (at least I think that was the scene..) "Don't presume to tell me what I will and will not do. You don't know me."
Why are some people so fixated with that phrase? I mean, if they choose to put up a mask in public to hide their melancholy, their sadness, their pain, why act cool when people see through them, or attempt to know them better? If you're really disinterested in people knowing the real you, then by all means stay away from others.
Unfortunately, the fact that they can't stay away from people and from making friends show that they do want someone to break into their heart - they're just unwilling to be honest with themselves and with their friends. How fair is that to their own selves, and the people who have treated them well?
When something happens and their actual emotions leak through and people say, "But that's not like you," they flare up. If it's so hard for you to be truthful to the people around you, don't blame them for thinking they know you, that they are your friend. Because friends are supposed to be honest with each other, and to help carry your burden. If you're the one who chose to shut yourself out and only present one side of your personality to others, why blame your friends, or people who think they know you, for not knowing you?
Having said that, I don't think I actually have any friends who have said that to me. It's just that I've seen and heard people say that, and it never fails to leave me wondering why they do something like that to hurt themselves, and their friends.
Anyhow. Donna is coming for me soon - better finish up some last minute packing!
Monday, August 07, 2006
The Fanatic Cook
I should do something like that!
Oh, wait a minute.. I'm not such a good cook/ photographer/ designer/ writer.........
hrm. Back to the drawing board.
I should do something like that!
Oh, wait a minute.. I'm not such a good cook/ photographer/ designer/ writer.........
hrm. Back to the drawing board.
Suddenly inspired
9.39am 7 Aug 2006 Monday
Things I ought to be doing now:
1. Writing my lab report
2. Lying on the mall outside the library and enjoying the beeeoootiful cloudy, impossibly blue skies.
3. Not writing this blog entry
The weather is perfect today, with a mild breeze passing by every now and then, and the sharp contrast of the white clouds, cobalt blue skies, fresh green grass and red adobe bricked campus buildings is breathtakingly beautiful.
I came to a conclusion while driving to school and listening to soppy songs, that there are basically 2 types of relationships that I've been through: the emotionally destructive; and the constructive, of course. I'll focus on the former because that's what inspired this post.
The memory of the relationship still strikes you now and then when you're not on guard, and you suddenly feel this... odd sensation that shakes your entire being, down to the bone marrow. It's not a pleasant nor unpleasant feeling, neither is it a physical jolt. The only analogy it is remotely close to, is the feeling of seeing a straight line that seems crooked. Mind you, it's not the memories you have with the person, nor is it the memory of the person, per se. It's like a what-if loop that your mind plays, which I can only attribute to the mysterious circumstances of the death of that relationship. Anyway. I feel a little sad that I still have Jeremy in my system, and it feels as if I'm mentally unfaithful to H. That is never good but how can you purge someone out of your system, especially if you cannot approach him because he's not the type of be truthful and help you get over him?
hehe makes me realise how good I've had it with the other ex-boyfriends.
But anyway. That pesky thought aside, I just came up with a brilliant idea of surprising people coming to my graduation! See, that's what I daydream of before I even graduate. Anyway. My welcome-to-Tucson kit will include:
- A canvas bag with UA colours/ motifs (???)
- An itinerary: Campus tour, Mt Lemmon tour, Kitt Peak trip, 4th Ave St fair, 7 falls (???), Desert museum
- A UA t-shirt
- A UA flag (like the ones cheesy tour guides always carry)
- A kokopelli or cactus something (magnet? mug? pen-holder? photo frame might be good- then they can all frame their favourite photo with the graduate!)
- A Tucson/ UA collage!
Of the Tucson/ UA collage, I will include:
- photos of my favourite tree in school throughout the seasons (well, basically when it's green, yellow/orange, and bare)
- sunset views
- mountain views
- roses at College of AG
- cactus views
- wildlife (eg cottontail bunnies, roadrunners, quails, etc)
Oooh! So excited!!!
P/S: KKK: shh!!! Don't you speak of this to anyone, OK?
Things I ought to be doing now:
1. Writing my lab report
2. Lying on the mall outside the library and enjoying the beeeoootiful cloudy, impossibly blue skies.
3. Not writing this blog entry
The weather is perfect today, with a mild breeze passing by every now and then, and the sharp contrast of the white clouds, cobalt blue skies, fresh green grass and red adobe bricked campus buildings is breathtakingly beautiful.
I came to a conclusion while driving to school and listening to soppy songs, that there are basically 2 types of relationships that I've been through: the emotionally destructive; and the constructive, of course. I'll focus on the former because that's what inspired this post.
The memory of the relationship still strikes you now and then when you're not on guard, and you suddenly feel this... odd sensation that shakes your entire being, down to the bone marrow. It's not a pleasant nor unpleasant feeling, neither is it a physical jolt. The only analogy it is remotely close to, is the feeling of seeing a straight line that seems crooked. Mind you, it's not the memories you have with the person, nor is it the memory of the person, per se. It's like a what-if loop that your mind plays, which I can only attribute to the mysterious circumstances of the death of that relationship. Anyway. I feel a little sad that I still have Jeremy in my system, and it feels as if I'm mentally unfaithful to H. That is never good but how can you purge someone out of your system, especially if you cannot approach him because he's not the type of be truthful and help you get over him?
hehe makes me realise how good I've had it with the other ex-boyfriends.
But anyway. That pesky thought aside, I just came up with a brilliant idea of surprising people coming to my graduation! See, that's what I daydream of before I even graduate. Anyway. My welcome-to-Tucson kit will include:
- A canvas bag with UA colours/ motifs (???)
- An itinerary: Campus tour, Mt Lemmon tour, Kitt Peak trip, 4th Ave St fair, 7 falls (???), Desert museum
- A UA t-shirt
- A UA flag (like the ones cheesy tour guides always carry)
- A kokopelli or cactus something (magnet? mug? pen-holder? photo frame might be good- then they can all frame their favourite photo with the graduate!)
- A Tucson/ UA collage!
Of the Tucson/ UA collage, I will include:
- photos of my favourite tree in school throughout the seasons (well, basically when it's green, yellow/orange, and bare)
- sunset views
- mountain views
- roses at College of AG
- cactus views
- wildlife (eg cottontail bunnies, roadrunners, quails, etc)
Oooh! So excited!!!
P/S: KKK: shh!!! Don't you speak of this to anyone, OK?
Sunday, July 30, 2006
My breakfast musings
9.28am 30 July 2006 Sunday
I love Saturday and Sunday mornings. They always feel so fresh and full of... prospect. Unfortunately, that all disappears once you get past the.. 10.30am mark. Before that, it still feels early and anything is possible. After that, you'd better have a plan for the day, otherwise you'll be stuck in an unproductive rut.
So breakfast today was a fruit juice blend of TJ's Limeade (cuz I was out of any other juices), a small handful of fresh blueberries, a slice of mango, a small clementine for a citrusy kick, and a handful of frozen strawberries; and a cheese toast. I love starting my day with a good meal that's not your typical bread and jam (because I don't even like jam to begin with) that's easy and will sustain me for a while.
Last night after eating some leftovers from a couple days before, I came to realise that:
a) I hate eating leftovers, because you can never really feel safe with them,
b) I can't bear to cook for myself every day either.
So last night I cheated a little and bought a bag of curry naan and a jar of roasted peppers. Here's the plan:
Day 1: Naan with peppers
Day 2: Naan with peppers, mango, sundried tomato
Day 3: Naan with peppers, onions, cucumbers
Day 4: Naan with cream cheese spread -> zucchini, peppers, onion, garlic, cucumber..
And then I ran out of ideas but I'll think of something. Hopefully.
Of course, nothing beats eating in SG, where lunch breaks are spent agonising over the myriad of possibilities. Over here, it's more like, shoot, I'm going to get hungry again and I don't want to spend too much money - what can I possibly come up with this time..?
Last night I watched Alton Brown's show, Feasting on Asphalt, and thoroughly enjoyed it. For once, there was no "mmmm, this is soooooooo good" commentary that doesn't say much except that the host is really bad at acting. In its place was typical A.B/ documentary style cinematography with real people and real stories. Maybe A.B just has a better way of communicating with people and asking the right questions that make you feel like he is really interested in what you're doing. Within the first half of the first episode, he tackled a bright pink pickled pork hoof, took a bite gingerly and... there was no fake "mmmhhh" or any attempts to wrap it up into a pretty package. Another scene that I really liked was A.B talking to a cook in a family owned biscuit shop when she was making her famous biscuits, and admitting that she didn't know who A.B was. He seemed really down to earth and eager to connect the food/ people/ place with viewers than to... give a pseudo orgasmic sounding moan.
Her: So you went to a culinary institute?
A.B: Yeah, yeah, but that doesn't mean I cook any better. I don't even know how to make biscuits.
OK, so I'm prejudiced. I used to like Rachael Ray's programmes until I watched an episode of her show, $40-a-day, shot in Italy. She completely blew her credibility away when she said that USD$40 converts into 45 euros. Can you give me the name of your money changer? I mean, I can understand if you say that you need more money for food in Europe (although that's rather incredulous too), but to say that the conversion rate, something that is tangible and easily verified, is way different from the actual rate? An utter no-no. I was steaming mad the whole show because she kept emphasising on how cheap it is on American terms, as if Europe is a poorer cousin of USA. Arghh! Thinking of it just makes me mad, and I've decided to boycott her magazine although I was very excited about it when it first came out.
Anyway. That's relatively unimportant compared to MH's photo being splashed across national newspaper without her permission, and without any citation. According to her, there's nothing she can do because there's no law in SG that protects the right to privacy. H said it's basically the same in Germany, unless the photo offends you. That's when personal rights kick in and you're able to take action of some sort.
Time to start on my O Chem revision... Think I'll finish my packing first though.
I love Saturday and Sunday mornings. They always feel so fresh and full of... prospect. Unfortunately, that all disappears once you get past the.. 10.30am mark. Before that, it still feels early and anything is possible. After that, you'd better have a plan for the day, otherwise you'll be stuck in an unproductive rut.
So breakfast today was a fruit juice blend of TJ's Limeade (cuz I was out of any other juices), a small handful of fresh blueberries, a slice of mango, a small clementine for a citrusy kick, and a handful of frozen strawberries; and a cheese toast. I love starting my day with a good meal that's not your typical bread and jam (because I don't even like jam to begin with) that's easy and will sustain me for a while.
Last night after eating some leftovers from a couple days before, I came to realise that:
a) I hate eating leftovers, because you can never really feel safe with them,
b) I can't bear to cook for myself every day either.
So last night I cheated a little and bought a bag of curry naan and a jar of roasted peppers. Here's the plan:
Day 1: Naan with peppers
Day 2: Naan with peppers, mango, sundried tomato
Day 3: Naan with peppers, onions, cucumbers
Day 4: Naan with cream cheese spread -> zucchini, peppers, onion, garlic, cucumber..
And then I ran out of ideas but I'll think of something. Hopefully.
Of course, nothing beats eating in SG, where lunch breaks are spent agonising over the myriad of possibilities. Over here, it's more like, shoot, I'm going to get hungry again and I don't want to spend too much money - what can I possibly come up with this time..?
Last night I watched Alton Brown's show, Feasting on Asphalt, and thoroughly enjoyed it. For once, there was no "mmmm, this is soooooooo good" commentary that doesn't say much except that the host is really bad at acting. In its place was typical A.B/ documentary style cinematography with real people and real stories. Maybe A.B just has a better way of communicating with people and asking the right questions that make you feel like he is really interested in what you're doing. Within the first half of the first episode, he tackled a bright pink pickled pork hoof, took a bite gingerly and... there was no fake "mmmhhh" or any attempts to wrap it up into a pretty package. Another scene that I really liked was A.B talking to a cook in a family owned biscuit shop when she was making her famous biscuits, and admitting that she didn't know who A.B was. He seemed really down to earth and eager to connect the food/ people/ place with viewers than to... give a pseudo orgasmic sounding moan.
Her: So you went to a culinary institute?
A.B: Yeah, yeah, but that doesn't mean I cook any better. I don't even know how to make biscuits.
OK, so I'm prejudiced. I used to like Rachael Ray's programmes until I watched an episode of her show, $40-a-day, shot in Italy. She completely blew her credibility away when she said that USD$40 converts into 45 euros. Can you give me the name of your money changer? I mean, I can understand if you say that you need more money for food in Europe (although that's rather incredulous too), but to say that the conversion rate, something that is tangible and easily verified, is way different from the actual rate? An utter no-no. I was steaming mad the whole show because she kept emphasising on how cheap it is on American terms, as if Europe is a poorer cousin of USA. Arghh! Thinking of it just makes me mad, and I've decided to boycott her magazine although I was very excited about it when it first came out.
Anyway. That's relatively unimportant compared to MH's photo being splashed across national newspaper without her permission, and without any citation. According to her, there's nothing she can do because there's no law in SG that protects the right to privacy. H said it's basically the same in Germany, unless the photo offends you. That's when personal rights kick in and you're able to take action of some sort.
Time to start on my O Chem revision... Think I'll finish my packing first though.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Eyes Wide Shut
8.47pm 26 July 2006 Wednesday
I just spent the past two hours on mindless gossipmongering. MH was rather astonished when I went back this summer, on how eager I was to critique random strangers' dress or behaviour. Truth be told, I was a little hurt by that comment - until I realised how detached I've become from everyone close to me. It has been so long since I've done something for another person, talked to someone to find out how they are, and basically just forgot that I still have friends and family.
Writing and talking has become such strangers, even, that I don't seem to remember how to convey my thoughts effectively. I know I haven't shown enough appreciation to MH for her support over the past 3 years for her unwavering support through thick and thin, highs and lows, PMS and what not. But I hope she knows that no matter how far out I drift, or how lost I get in my life outside SG, that she is always on my mind.
Somehow these few weeks without H has been like a dream. I told him I don't want to live my life waiting for graduation, or waiting for the next phase of my life, but I am. To the man who has been so wonderful to me the past few months - I love you. I know it has been hard for you too, that whatever worries I have, you're having nightmares about them too. I haven't been very expressive about my love, nor my gratitude that you've chosen to stick with me and swim upstream together no matter how difficult it is and what a brat I've been.
I've made a few resolutions these few days - hopefully I'll be able to keep up with them. Maybe the next time I update, I can give some concrete details about my progress..
I just spent the past two hours on mindless gossipmongering. MH was rather astonished when I went back this summer, on how eager I was to critique random strangers' dress or behaviour. Truth be told, I was a little hurt by that comment - until I realised how detached I've become from everyone close to me. It has been so long since I've done something for another person, talked to someone to find out how they are, and basically just forgot that I still have friends and family.
Writing and talking has become such strangers, even, that I don't seem to remember how to convey my thoughts effectively. I know I haven't shown enough appreciation to MH for her support over the past 3 years for her unwavering support through thick and thin, highs and lows, PMS and what not. But I hope she knows that no matter how far out I drift, or how lost I get in my life outside SG, that she is always on my mind.
Somehow these few weeks without H has been like a dream. I told him I don't want to live my life waiting for graduation, or waiting for the next phase of my life, but I am. To the man who has been so wonderful to me the past few months - I love you. I know it has been hard for you too, that whatever worries I have, you're having nightmares about them too. I haven't been very expressive about my love, nor my gratitude that you've chosen to stick with me and swim upstream together no matter how difficult it is and what a brat I've been.
I've made a few resolutions these few days - hopefully I'll be able to keep up with them. Maybe the next time I update, I can give some concrete details about my progress..
Friday, July 21, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Sometimes it's the small details that trigger memories.
5.25pm 20 July 2006 Thursday
The phone rang. I didn't recognise the emotion that was stirred up.
When you're expecting something, you programme your consciousness to recognise it in any situation. You scramble for whatever your unconscious mind tells you to, regardless whether or not you consciously know what you're doing, because it's the response you're trained to apply when you hear that sound. So you respond even when you least expect to hear it, when you're sleeping, when you're focussed on something else... you simply respond because it has been integrated into your entire being.
After etching a programme like that into your database and not using it for some time, you forget that it has already been hardwired into your brain and you receive an unexpected jolt when it's reactivated. Needless to say, this function isn't frequently used- not that you can tell yourself to deliberately do it or not.
The phone rang. It reminded me of the lonely nights I used to spend thinking about you, about why it didn't work out. That sudden ache in my heart had nothing to do with missing you- I don't- but the association I had with that sound.
mm.. But one day I'll completely erase it out.
The phone rang. I didn't recognise the emotion that was stirred up.
When you're expecting something, you programme your consciousness to recognise it in any situation. You scramble for whatever your unconscious mind tells you to, regardless whether or not you consciously know what you're doing, because it's the response you're trained to apply when you hear that sound. So you respond even when you least expect to hear it, when you're sleeping, when you're focussed on something else... you simply respond because it has been integrated into your entire being.
After etching a programme like that into your database and not using it for some time, you forget that it has already been hardwired into your brain and you receive an unexpected jolt when it's reactivated. Needless to say, this function isn't frequently used- not that you can tell yourself to deliberately do it or not.
The phone rang. It reminded me of the lonely nights I used to spend thinking about you, about why it didn't work out. That sudden ache in my heart had nothing to do with missing you- I don't- but the association I had with that sound.
mm.. But one day I'll completely erase it out.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Bad day
4.07pm 16 July 2006 Sunday
Maybe it was a premonition hearing that song with "I've had a bad day" in the chorus so often recently. Things haven't been going too smoothly since the start of summer 2 and I'm just... frustrated. My mind feels like it's being stretched from one end to the other and because of that, I feel like I'm forgetting something important most of the time. I don't know how I'm going to amble through the next three weeks and still do well, but I'd better figure something out soon or else it'll all crumble soon.
It's difficult to really tell H how I feel because... I don't want to be whiny all the time when he's having problems of his own too. But yet at the same time if I can't tell him, then the frustration will only pile up and snowball into a mess.
Anyway. Going to start my O chem revision now and hopefully study enough to get through tomorrow's exam. Breathe... breathe...
Maybe it was a premonition hearing that song with "I've had a bad day" in the chorus so often recently. Things haven't been going too smoothly since the start of summer 2 and I'm just... frustrated. My mind feels like it's being stretched from one end to the other and because of that, I feel like I'm forgetting something important most of the time. I don't know how I'm going to amble through the next three weeks and still do well, but I'd better figure something out soon or else it'll all crumble soon.
It's difficult to really tell H how I feel because... I don't want to be whiny all the time when he's having problems of his own too. But yet at the same time if I can't tell him, then the frustration will only pile up and snowball into a mess.
Anyway. Going to start my O chem revision now and hopefully study enough to get through tomorrow's exam. Breathe... breathe...
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Thoughts
I hate it when you promise to do something and then forget about it. It makes me wonder, if I'm important to you, shouldn't the promises you make to me be kept?
There are bouts of frustration I feel from time to time from thinking, why didn't he call, or why didn't he do things that he promised. But each time I've been weighing those issues against things he did do, aka, "The Happy Times". Recently, it seems, the frustration is overcoming THT.
Maybe my gut instinct is right - I don't like to be caught in such relationships where two parties are separated by time and distance. Relationships are current and spontaneous. If not, then maybe it's not the time nor place for it. It's not something to be substituted by a phone call or an SMS. It's just not my idea of a relationship. As much as I respect MH and Jason for being able to give each other space, I belong to the all-or-nothing camp. I've always been that way, although sometimes optimism make me forget what my past experience have taught me.
So we're trying your way for now, but how long can it last, before I decide to go my way? One thing is for sure - I cannot stay still in the state of limbo, because that's just not my nature. Some people can thrive just with the knowledge that there's something waiting at the finishing line. I don't. Because there is no definite finishing line in life, since the future is more dynamic that you'd expect. What if I decide to take a detour? Or if it started raining?
No conclusion has been drawn yet, because we're still in the period of data collection. But unfortunately, things have been progressing as expected - badly. Maybe the end is in sight..?
There are bouts of frustration I feel from time to time from thinking, why didn't he call, or why didn't he do things that he promised. But each time I've been weighing those issues against things he did do, aka, "The Happy Times". Recently, it seems, the frustration is overcoming THT.
Maybe my gut instinct is right - I don't like to be caught in such relationships where two parties are separated by time and distance. Relationships are current and spontaneous. If not, then maybe it's not the time nor place for it. It's not something to be substituted by a phone call or an SMS. It's just not my idea of a relationship. As much as I respect MH and Jason for being able to give each other space, I belong to the all-or-nothing camp. I've always been that way, although sometimes optimism make me forget what my past experience have taught me.
So we're trying your way for now, but how long can it last, before I decide to go my way? One thing is for sure - I cannot stay still in the state of limbo, because that's just not my nature. Some people can thrive just with the knowledge that there's something waiting at the finishing line. I don't. Because there is no definite finishing line in life, since the future is more dynamic that you'd expect. What if I decide to take a detour? Or if it started raining?
No conclusion has been drawn yet, because we're still in the period of data collection. But unfortunately, things have been progressing as expected - badly. Maybe the end is in sight..?
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Twiddling my thumbs
11.22pm 5 July 2006 Wednesday
In the span of the last 6 hours, I've been more productive than I had been for a long time. I wrote a lab report, cleaned the kitchen, cleared out the mess in the hallway, vacuumed the bathroom and bedroom, tidied up 20% of the house, packed for school and badminton tomorrow.. but I'm still not tired. If there was someone else to command, to do all the work, I think I'd be more tired, simply because you'd be cuddling with me afterwards...
But for now, Food Network and HGTV would have to suffice.
In the span of the last 6 hours, I've been more productive than I had been for a long time. I wrote a lab report, cleaned the kitchen, cleared out the mess in the hallway, vacuumed the bathroom and bedroom, tidied up 20% of the house, packed for school and badminton tomorrow.. but I'm still not tired. If there was someone else to command, to do all the work, I think I'd be more tired, simply because you'd be cuddling with me afterwards...
But for now, Food Network and HGTV would have to suffice.
It's raining, it's falling...
5.53pm 5 July 2006 Wednesday
The skies are dark and gloomy as can be. The mountains in our backyard are completely obscured by heavy rain clouds. Thunder gave a lazy yawn as lightning flashed warningly. The power went out for a second before coming back on again, but the momentary break from activity surprised me enough to start a crying fit. And as predicted, once I start, I was unstoppable. I cried as I rolled the trash can in. I howled as the wind beat against the skylight above the kitchen. I teared as I unloaded the dryer.
There'd be no one to bully for the next four weeks, no one to chauffeur me to and from school, no one to carry me from the sofa when I fall asleep in the living room... I miss my Mr. Post-it Notes. =(
The skies are dark and gloomy as can be. The mountains in our backyard are completely obscured by heavy rain clouds. Thunder gave a lazy yawn as lightning flashed warningly. The power went out for a second before coming back on again, but the momentary break from activity surprised me enough to start a crying fit. And as predicted, once I start, I was unstoppable. I cried as I rolled the trash can in. I howled as the wind beat against the skylight above the kitchen. I teared as I unloaded the dryer.
There'd be no one to bully for the next four weeks, no one to chauffeur me to and from school, no one to carry me from the sofa when I fall asleep in the living room... I miss my Mr. Post-it Notes. =(
Home Alone
4.06pm 5 July 2006 Wednesday
It has been quite a whirlwind afternoon since I sent H off at the airport. I had envisioned a quiet afternoon to lick my sore heart but that didn't quite happen. I had to get the car washed and cleaned for a potential buyer, get caught in a shower right after the 30 minute wash and wax, accept an offer, and reject the aforesaid offer when the guy had doubts and dropped the price.
Am home now, but our quiet little cottage seems so bare without a kitty cat underfoot. I'd asked myself earlier, why I had been so emotionless and chirpy the past months since we realised that H had to go back. As I watched his departing figure wave enthusiastically despite the heavy carry-on luggage and bulky racquet bag, I realised that we both needed to be stoic if this was to be as painless as possible. Had either of us broke down and clung to each other, which was what the unconscious mind was probably shouting for, it would be a tough month to endure.
But that's not to say I didn't have the urge to cry, or that lump in my throat is due to a sore throat. I'm just afraid that once I start crying, I won't stop.
Auf Wiedersehen, my dear. See you soon and don't forget to brush your teeth. =P
It has been quite a whirlwind afternoon since I sent H off at the airport. I had envisioned a quiet afternoon to lick my sore heart but that didn't quite happen. I had to get the car washed and cleaned for a potential buyer, get caught in a shower right after the 30 minute wash and wax, accept an offer, and reject the aforesaid offer when the guy had doubts and dropped the price.
Am home now, but our quiet little cottage seems so bare without a kitty cat underfoot. I'd asked myself earlier, why I had been so emotionless and chirpy the past months since we realised that H had to go back. As I watched his departing figure wave enthusiastically despite the heavy carry-on luggage and bulky racquet bag, I realised that we both needed to be stoic if this was to be as painless as possible. Had either of us broke down and clung to each other, which was what the unconscious mind was probably shouting for, it would be a tough month to endure.
But that's not to say I didn't have the urge to cry, or that lump in my throat is due to a sore throat. I'm just afraid that once I start crying, I won't stop.
Auf Wiedersehen, my dear. See you soon and don't forget to brush your teeth. =P
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Fugly Singaporeans
12.52pm 29 June 2006 Thursday
Proof of how bored I am now - I read Xiaxue's blog AND the Star Blog.
Seems like more people are trying to capitalise on the whole blogging business in SG and another blogging portal is born. It's pretty funny to read prose from a "professional" who can't even spell Porsche, and even funnier when you read her entries in contrast to others'.
Maybe someone should tell her Angmoh doesn't mean nuts. It doesn't mean that the Brits can spell any better than us, or the average American has more technially accurate speech than us. Besides, visiting a few countries does not make you a globetrotter, nor an expert on those cultures.
Gah! Now that I've seen what a lousy flake she is, those silly bimbotic posts no longer seem funny...
Proof of how bored I am now - I read Xiaxue's blog AND the Star Blog.
Seems like more people are trying to capitalise on the whole blogging business in SG and another blogging portal is born. It's pretty funny to read prose from a "professional" who can't even spell Porsche, and even funnier when you read her entries in contrast to others'.
Maybe someone should tell her Angmoh doesn't mean nuts. It doesn't mean that the Brits can spell any better than us, or the average American has more technially accurate speech than us. Besides, visiting a few countries does not make you a globetrotter, nor an expert on those cultures.
Gah! Now that I've seen what a lousy flake she is, those silly bimbotic posts no longer seem funny...
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
It's my life
12.20pm 28 June 2006 Wednesday
So it's now common knowledge that H is leaving next Wednesday and the most common question I've been asked is, "So what will you do now?". After telling everyone the cookie cutter answer repeatedly, I've come to ask myself the same question - What will I do now?
Call me myopic, call me an ostrich, call me whatever you want. I know for sure that marriage is out of the question for now, and as far as I'm concerned, I've no interest in breeding kids. Right now, all I want is a carefree life where I don't have to worry about visa issues nor downpayments. It's lovely to be part of a whole but not when people seem to expect something drastic like an engagement or a marriage. It's a normal relationship, for goodness sakes. I'm not concerned that H is divorced, that he has two kids, or that he's 37. Those are just things that are part of him, just like how Ah Beng has six fingers and Ah Seng has an amputated knee.
If Ah Lian and Ah Huay who are in the relationship with Ah Beng and Ah Seng can accept those traits, then good for them. But it seems to me like the rest of the world is really concerned about knowing how committed or how serious Ah Lian and Ah Huay are, just because the person they are dating is different from others.
So I just want to get it off my chest once and for all - this is no different from any other relationship I've had. I love him therefore I'll miss him when he's gone. We'll find every single website that offers web-SMS to SMS constantly. We'll be the first to know what changes MSN or Skype has made because we're using it so frequently. We'll be scrimping and saving every cent to meet each other as often as we can. We'll look for places in the world that can accomodate a German software engineer and a Singaporean dietitian.
But I'm not going to give up my career to be with him. He's not going to lose his pension just to accept a low paying job to be with me. I'm not even considering marriage until I finish my internship, have a few years of job experience under my belt and we're both in a country and position we want to be.
Whether or not we even have the same ideals, is still yet to be seen. I'm a traditional Asian who wants to have a big nest-egg by the time I retire. I believe in home ownership. I believe in having no (credit card) debts, even if I get a lower credit rating. I hate having overdrafts like an irresponsible college student. I hate a lifestyle that stretches my paycheck, even if I enjoy it right now.
So there. It's my life and I love to share it with you, but sometimes people ask so many questions and put so much strain, that I forget that this is a normal relationship...
So it's now common knowledge that H is leaving next Wednesday and the most common question I've been asked is, "So what will you do now?". After telling everyone the cookie cutter answer repeatedly, I've come to ask myself the same question - What will I do now?
Call me myopic, call me an ostrich, call me whatever you want. I know for sure that marriage is out of the question for now, and as far as I'm concerned, I've no interest in breeding kids. Right now, all I want is a carefree life where I don't have to worry about visa issues nor downpayments. It's lovely to be part of a whole but not when people seem to expect something drastic like an engagement or a marriage. It's a normal relationship, for goodness sakes. I'm not concerned that H is divorced, that he has two kids, or that he's 37. Those are just things that are part of him, just like how Ah Beng has six fingers and Ah Seng has an amputated knee.
If Ah Lian and Ah Huay who are in the relationship with Ah Beng and Ah Seng can accept those traits, then good for them. But it seems to me like the rest of the world is really concerned about knowing how committed or how serious Ah Lian and Ah Huay are, just because the person they are dating is different from others.
So I just want to get it off my chest once and for all - this is no different from any other relationship I've had. I love him therefore I'll miss him when he's gone. We'll find every single website that offers web-SMS to SMS constantly. We'll be the first to know what changes MSN or Skype has made because we're using it so frequently. We'll be scrimping and saving every cent to meet each other as often as we can. We'll look for places in the world that can accomodate a German software engineer and a Singaporean dietitian.
But I'm not going to give up my career to be with him. He's not going to lose his pension just to accept a low paying job to be with me. I'm not even considering marriage until I finish my internship, have a few years of job experience under my belt and we're both in a country and position we want to be.
Whether or not we even have the same ideals, is still yet to be seen. I'm a traditional Asian who wants to have a big nest-egg by the time I retire. I believe in home ownership. I believe in having no (credit card) debts, even if I get a lower credit rating. I hate having overdrafts like an irresponsible college student. I hate a lifestyle that stretches my paycheck, even if I enjoy it right now.
So there. It's my life and I love to share it with you, but sometimes people ask so many questions and put so much strain, that I forget that this is a normal relationship...
Friday, June 09, 2006
Internship finalists
2.09pm 9 June 2006 Friday
Have looked through the whole list of places available for internship next year and settled for 5 options:
In order of preference -
1. Jacksonville
2. Harper University Hospital
3. Houston
4. Reno
5. Central Michigan
Should print out and start filling them out..
Have looked through the whole list of places available for internship next year and settled for 5 options:
In order of preference -
1. Jacksonville
2. Harper University Hospital
3. Houston
4. Reno
5. Central Michigan
Should print out and start filling them out..
Home Sweet Home
12.08pm 8 June 2006 Thursday
Excuse #1 for not blogging: My SG home had no internet.
#2: I was too busy stuffing my face with food to write anything.
But now that we've been back for almost a week, there is no excuse not to write a little something in this sadly neglected blog. The trip home was fun because we got to go around eating good and cheap food, sometimes with friends to share the calories and sometimes only the two of us to struggle with the huge amounts I order. We spent at least 10% of our time playing badminton or buying racquets, and a big chunk of the rest in Bangkok.
Bangkok was a fruitful trip of shopping and play. We attended a cooking class in our instructor's house; each carried a bamboo basket to the market while learning the different ingredient featured in Thai cooking; and cooked a fantastically simple but yummy meal. Most of my summer wear now is something new bought from Bangkok - clothes there are plentiful and cheap! Of course we drank Thai coffee/ tea almost every day, ate the obligatory pad Thai and stared at weird angmoh-Thai couples who were.. not couples.
Near the end of our home trip, we also went to Angsana Bintan with my mum and aunt, which was much more fun than I expected. We arrived early enough to be able to go out on a small catamaran for an hour, but I had cold feet whenever we went a little further because there were big storm clouds looming over the sea. Sure enough, when our spa treatment began, the heavens began pouring... Imagine having an outdoor spa treatment in a nice cosy pavilion with those natural elements having a field day outside! H and I each had a fruit scrub, followed by a long massage and a bath in an outdoor shower. An exceptional experience for the both of us swakoos.
And now we're back to good ol' Tucson with its dry heat and my cracked skin. There's something to be said about coming home to our quiet little house, because it's a feeling that's actually better than going back to my house in SG. Now, if only we can transplant our house into an equally nice location in SG, I'd be contented.
Oh, and holidays do you a world of good. At least two people have complimented my bright and white smile since I've returned, asking me why I'm so happy. Actually it's a by-product of the blissful afterglow of a relaxing holiday when none of the troubles have really set in. Give me another two months and I doubt I'd be able to smile so cheerily again.
Excuse #1 for not blogging: My SG home had no internet.
#2: I was too busy stuffing my face with food to write anything.
But now that we've been back for almost a week, there is no excuse not to write a little something in this sadly neglected blog. The trip home was fun because we got to go around eating good and cheap food, sometimes with friends to share the calories and sometimes only the two of us to struggle with the huge amounts I order. We spent at least 10% of our time playing badminton or buying racquets, and a big chunk of the rest in Bangkok.
Bangkok was a fruitful trip of shopping and play. We attended a cooking class in our instructor's house; each carried a bamboo basket to the market while learning the different ingredient featured in Thai cooking; and cooked a fantastically simple but yummy meal. Most of my summer wear now is something new bought from Bangkok - clothes there are plentiful and cheap! Of course we drank Thai coffee/ tea almost every day, ate the obligatory pad Thai and stared at weird angmoh-Thai couples who were.. not couples.
Near the end of our home trip, we also went to Angsana Bintan with my mum and aunt, which was much more fun than I expected. We arrived early enough to be able to go out on a small catamaran for an hour, but I had cold feet whenever we went a little further because there were big storm clouds looming over the sea. Sure enough, when our spa treatment began, the heavens began pouring... Imagine having an outdoor spa treatment in a nice cosy pavilion with those natural elements having a field day outside! H and I each had a fruit scrub, followed by a long massage and a bath in an outdoor shower. An exceptional experience for the both of us swakoos.
And now we're back to good ol' Tucson with its dry heat and my cracked skin. There's something to be said about coming home to our quiet little house, because it's a feeling that's actually better than going back to my house in SG. Now, if only we can transplant our house into an equally nice location in SG, I'd be contented.
Oh, and holidays do you a world of good. At least two people have complimented my bright and white smile since I've returned, asking me why I'm so happy. Actually it's a by-product of the blissful afterglow of a relaxing holiday when none of the troubles have really set in. Give me another two months and I doubt I'd be able to smile so cheerily again.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Sunrise Cafe
11.59am 9 May 2006 Tuesday
Last night we went to Sunrise Cafe for dinner. It was supposed to be Kurdish/ Middle-Eastern cuisine and I've to admit that their gyros was pretty good. Their shoestring fries were crisp and addictive too. H liked the tatziki but I thought it was lacking some pizzazz. We're still drooling over the delicious doner kebab in Wilhemshaven. It was a dingy cafe permeated with cigarette smoke, and filled with dubious characters. But the food is so flavourful and delicious, you can almost forget that you're perched on a high-top chair, eating over a styrofoam plate, trying to avoid the remnants left by the previous occupant...
But back to Sunrise Cafe. As we were just starting on our dinner, two ducks, I kid you not, suddenly flew into the alcove and smacked pretty hard against the glass door with a thud. They looked rather dazed as they tottered around the plaza, quacking away. Just to emphasise on how unusual ducks are in the Sonaran desert, there were at least 2-3 cameras snapping away. A middle-aged man with his wife and mother (?) was making kissy noises at the ducks and insisted on feeding them with lettuce and chips. Obviously his country doesn't post huge signs like "No littering - Fine $500" all over like ours.
3 more days to flight! Quite coincidental that Michael is stopping by SG on the way to India and we'll actually meet him when he's on the way back. We're planning to bring him for breakfast, badminton, more food and then pack him into the the plane back to LA, all in 12 hours. Can't wait to bring H around and go eating with MH!
Last night we went to Sunrise Cafe for dinner. It was supposed to be Kurdish/ Middle-Eastern cuisine and I've to admit that their gyros was pretty good. Their shoestring fries were crisp and addictive too. H liked the tatziki but I thought it was lacking some pizzazz. We're still drooling over the delicious doner kebab in Wilhemshaven. It was a dingy cafe permeated with cigarette smoke, and filled with dubious characters. But the food is so flavourful and delicious, you can almost forget that you're perched on a high-top chair, eating over a styrofoam plate, trying to avoid the remnants left by the previous occupant...
But back to Sunrise Cafe. As we were just starting on our dinner, two ducks, I kid you not, suddenly flew into the alcove and smacked pretty hard against the glass door with a thud. They looked rather dazed as they tottered around the plaza, quacking away. Just to emphasise on how unusual ducks are in the Sonaran desert, there were at least 2-3 cameras snapping away. A middle-aged man with his wife and mother (?) was making kissy noises at the ducks and insisted on feeding them with lettuce and chips. Obviously his country doesn't post huge signs like "No littering - Fine $500" all over like ours.
3 more days to flight! Quite coincidental that Michael is stopping by SG on the way to India and we'll actually meet him when he's on the way back. We're planning to bring him for breakfast, badminton, more food and then pack him into the the plane back to LA, all in 12 hours. Can't wait to bring H around and go eating with MH!
Monday, May 08, 2006
Countdown!
1.47pm 8 May 2006 Monday
Exams start tomorrow and I'm struggling with that dull achy cramp in my stomach. Periods follow Murphy's Laws to the tee - they come exactly when you've exams and a 30-hour flight. Unfortunately they also create an uneasy ambivalence to everything, exams and what not. See, me blogging this moment is a testament to that. In any case, I'm in a very comfortable position in most of my classes and I'm not going to throw that away, so after this I'll start on my paper.
So these couple of days have been pretty exciting for the two of us because H is applying to jobs and we're trying to figure out what happens if he is offered a job. We're flying this Friday and the house, bills and everything else needs to be in order. My mum requested for bath salts so we spent a day searching for them, and I found one that is supposed to be good for premenstrual syndrome. Hrm. I wonder what will happen if H takes that bath with me...
um what else. It's NBA season so we're pretty excited whenever the Phoenix Suns play. We were grabbing onto each other, covering our eyes in the last minutes of the game, screaming, shouting, yelling, etc. Last week they made an AMAZING comeback from 3-1 (best of 7 games) to beat the sucky/ arrogant/ obnoxious/ violent LA Lakers 4-3, which means that they won 3 games straight, and with a 30 point margin in the last game some more. Tonight they face the LA Clippers for the first time this season, so it'll be exciting to see what happens..
Nash, Sun's star player and this year's MVP, twisted his ankle the last game but hopefully he's better now. He's an oddball; very intelligent with kind (lazy) eyes; balding, stringy, longish hair which does nothing for him (I'd advise him to shave it to look more cool but then again, Nash is more like the class geek than star player); the shortest player on his team; and he's white! In a black dominated game! He has the most disgusting and quirky ritual that he performs at least 2 times before each free throw - he licks his right hand!!! Bleah. H says it's for traction (haha), but whatever it is, it works. He's ranked number 1 in free throws, an astounding 92.1% accuracy but eeeeee... And when he exits the stadium people usually run to give him a high-five! With a hand that he licked dunno how many times!!! Bleah.
Spent the rest of the afternoon reading about badminton. ahem. I think it's time for me to start revision...
Exams start tomorrow and I'm struggling with that dull achy cramp in my stomach. Periods follow Murphy's Laws to the tee - they come exactly when you've exams and a 30-hour flight. Unfortunately they also create an uneasy ambivalence to everything, exams and what not. See, me blogging this moment is a testament to that. In any case, I'm in a very comfortable position in most of my classes and I'm not going to throw that away, so after this I'll start on my paper.
So these couple of days have been pretty exciting for the two of us because H is applying to jobs and we're trying to figure out what happens if he is offered a job. We're flying this Friday and the house, bills and everything else needs to be in order. My mum requested for bath salts so we spent a day searching for them, and I found one that is supposed to be good for premenstrual syndrome. Hrm. I wonder what will happen if H takes that bath with me...
um what else. It's NBA season so we're pretty excited whenever the Phoenix Suns play. We were grabbing onto each other, covering our eyes in the last minutes of the game, screaming, shouting, yelling, etc. Last week they made an AMAZING comeback from 3-1 (best of 7 games) to beat the sucky/ arrogant/ obnoxious/ violent LA Lakers 4-3, which means that they won 3 games straight, and with a 30 point margin in the last game some more. Tonight they face the LA Clippers for the first time this season, so it'll be exciting to see what happens..
Nash, Sun's star player and this year's MVP, twisted his ankle the last game but hopefully he's better now. He's an oddball; very intelligent with kind (lazy) eyes; balding, stringy, longish hair which does nothing for him (I'd advise him to shave it to look more cool but then again, Nash is more like the class geek than star player); the shortest player on his team; and he's white! In a black dominated game! He has the most disgusting and quirky ritual that he performs at least 2 times before each free throw - he licks his right hand!!! Bleah. H says it's for traction (haha), but whatever it is, it works. He's ranked number 1 in free throws, an astounding 92.1% accuracy but eeeeee... And when he exits the stadium people usually run to give him a high-five! With a hand that he licked dunno how many times!!! Bleah.
Spent the rest of the afternoon reading about badminton. ahem. I think it's time for me to start revision...
Monday, May 01, 2006
Mousse au Chocolat
A big hit at our party and easy to make!! Very yummy...
Makes 4 servings
Ingredients
- 150g dark chocolate
- 3 eggs -> separate into egg whites and egg yolks but make sure there is no yolk or fat at all in the egg whites!
- 80g heavy whipping cream
- 20g sugar
- Milk (the amount needed depends on the chocolate)
Method
1. Melt the chocolate over lowest possible heat using a double boiling method. Make sure that the water doesn't boil!!! Double boiling: a big pot of water with a smaller bowl in the middle of this water bath. Be careful not to allow water into the chocolate, otherwise it'll "freeze".
2. When all the chocolate has melted, add the egg yolks in and beat it well. Depending on the chocolate, you might get a lumpy mixture or a smooth mixture. Ours was lumpy so we added milk a little at a time, and beat it continuously until you get a smooth, shiny mixture. You can take it off the heat after this is done.
3. In a separate, clean bowl, beat the egg whites with sugar using an electric whisk until stiff peaks form. It will not work if there is any fat in the bowl. Stiff peaks mean that you can use the whisk to lift the mixture and it will stay in the same position when you remove the whisk. This is an important step to ensure the "fluffiness" of your mousse.
4. Scrape the stiff egg whites into the chocolate and fold it into the mixture carefully. Don't use a whisk because it breaks up the egg whites - you might find a spatula or a big spoon useful. When completely incorporated, start the next step.
5. Using the same bowl as the egg white mixture (or a new one if you prefer but it doesn't make a difference), whip the heavy cream until stiff. When that is done, incorporate it into the chocolate/egg white mixture like you did before. Don't worry if it doesn't completely incorporate, just make sure most of it is well mixed.
6. Pour into a dish and refrigerate till it sets! (about 3 hours) For our party we used small cups so that we didn't have to cut it, but you can use any bowls, casserole dishes or anything you like.
Makes 4 servings
Ingredients
- 150g dark chocolate
- 3 eggs -> separate into egg whites and egg yolks but make sure there is no yolk or fat at all in the egg whites!
- 80g heavy whipping cream
- 20g sugar
- Milk (the amount needed depends on the chocolate)
Method
1. Melt the chocolate over lowest possible heat using a double boiling method. Make sure that the water doesn't boil!!! Double boiling: a big pot of water with a smaller bowl in the middle of this water bath. Be careful not to allow water into the chocolate, otherwise it'll "freeze".
2. When all the chocolate has melted, add the egg yolks in and beat it well. Depending on the chocolate, you might get a lumpy mixture or a smooth mixture. Ours was lumpy so we added milk a little at a time, and beat it continuously until you get a smooth, shiny mixture. You can take it off the heat after this is done.
3. In a separate, clean bowl, beat the egg whites with sugar using an electric whisk until stiff peaks form. It will not work if there is any fat in the bowl. Stiff peaks mean that you can use the whisk to lift the mixture and it will stay in the same position when you remove the whisk. This is an important step to ensure the "fluffiness" of your mousse.
4. Scrape the stiff egg whites into the chocolate and fold it into the mixture carefully. Don't use a whisk because it breaks up the egg whites - you might find a spatula or a big spoon useful. When completely incorporated, start the next step.
5. Using the same bowl as the egg white mixture (or a new one if you prefer but it doesn't make a difference), whip the heavy cream until stiff. When that is done, incorporate it into the chocolate/egg white mixture like you did before. Don't worry if it doesn't completely incorporate, just make sure most of it is well mixed.
6. Pour into a dish and refrigerate till it sets! (about 3 hours) For our party we used small cups so that we didn't have to cut it, but you can use any bowls, casserole dishes or anything you like.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
An unsettling feeling.
10.08am 27 April 2006 Thursday
We overslept again and missed badminton. Michael and Oona came over last night to watch the Lakers vs. Suns game, but the home team lost. Tasha was begging for scraps the whole night, and for this, her big dopey eyes served her well. An adorable yellow Lab spotted our open car door promptly clambered in and made herself at home on the driver's seat. The funniest thing was, she didn't sniff or lick at anything in the car, but just stared at us as if saying, "OK, I'm ready! Let's go!"
I'm writing in circles today. Looking through Francis' Flickr last week and unexpectedly coming across his picture suddenly made me feel... I don't know what it made me feel. It's disturbing because I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy (who incidentally SMSed me this very moment)... and just by seeing a glimpse of him made me confused all over again. See, the thing is, I'm not confused as in I want to give up everything at a drop of a hat. It's more like me asking myself, what the heck is this nagging feeling gnawing at the back of my consciousness, and why is it there.
I don't even know what to write or say. I did mention to H, in passing, that I saw that picture. But at that moment when I downplayed it, I realised it was utterly contradictory - if I had forgotten, why would I have brought it up? In any case, I'll let the sleeping dogs lie. It'll disappear as it had before, and I will be back into my contented sphere again.
The semester is coming to an end but I don't even feel the mad, hectic rush to study. Having non-cumulative exams help alot, though. It's about 2 weeks to the end of school and to Singapore, and I can't wait to show H around!
We overslept again and missed badminton. Michael and Oona came over last night to watch the Lakers vs. Suns game, but the home team lost. Tasha was begging for scraps the whole night, and for this, her big dopey eyes served her well. An adorable yellow Lab spotted our open car door promptly clambered in and made herself at home on the driver's seat. The funniest thing was, she didn't sniff or lick at anything in the car, but just stared at us as if saying, "OK, I'm ready! Let's go!"
I'm writing in circles today. Looking through Francis' Flickr last week and unexpectedly coming across his picture suddenly made me feel... I don't know what it made me feel. It's disturbing because I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy (who incidentally SMSed me this very moment)... and just by seeing a glimpse of him made me confused all over again. See, the thing is, I'm not confused as in I want to give up everything at a drop of a hat. It's more like me asking myself, what the heck is this nagging feeling gnawing at the back of my consciousness, and why is it there.
I don't even know what to write or say. I did mention to H, in passing, that I saw that picture. But at that moment when I downplayed it, I realised it was utterly contradictory - if I had forgotten, why would I have brought it up? In any case, I'll let the sleeping dogs lie. It'll disappear as it had before, and I will be back into my contented sphere again.
The semester is coming to an end but I don't even feel the mad, hectic rush to study. Having non-cumulative exams help alot, though. It's about 2 weeks to the end of school and to Singapore, and I can't wait to show H around!
Monday, April 24, 2006
Anthony's in the Catalinas'
2.07pm 24 April 2006 Monday
Our last two weekends involved rather explosive arguments that involved car shifting and sleeping in separate beds. The one we had over Friday and Saturday finally culminated in a furious baking exercise, which, incidentally ended matters. It is difficult to bake for someone when you're mad at him. The cheesecake, however, turned out really well and I brought some for Renu and Nanao today.
But that was not what I wanted to write about. Last Tuesday was our 6 month anniversary which crept up on us without any notice, and a last minute decision of my group freed up my evening, so we decided to go for a nice dinner spontaneously. He was supposed to surprise me with a place we've never tried before and we took time to dress up for it, which was really fun considering we seldom really wear anything more formal than t-shirt and jeans in casual ol' Tucson.
I remember looking at the online menu offered by Anthony's a couple of weeks ago and gasping in shock, but our experience there was so enjoyable, it was almost worth it. Two doormen opened a big cellar-like wood door that led into the restaurant, which had more seating space than we expected. We were seated by the window facing the garden, which was filled with spring blooms and had a sprouting fountain in the middle. The room itself had a tall, sloping ceiling with wooden beams, which made it look like a comfortable log cabin. A pianist was hidden unobtrusively in one corner, playing timeless classics one after another. There was a mid-sized room immediately adjacent to ours that housed a group of seniors celebrating a birthday, but the glass windows in between the rooms offered a peek at the city skyline below. We thought the event room was the patio/ balcony, but later we realised that there was actually another dining space for those who wanted to be away from the main room and enjoy the cool Spring air with a gorgeous view.
The wait staff came by one after another; the first took our cocktail order; the next set a plate of salmon cream cheese with crackers on the table; the third proffered a menu with the night's specials and someone in between glided in to fill our water goblets. After we sipped our cocktails and had an opportunity to try the appetiser, a sommelier appeared by H's side to offer wine suggestions to go with our dinner. By then, we've already decided on what to order and his photographic knowledge of all the wines in the big tome disguised as the wine menu saved us from having to make a headachy decision.
The appetisers appeared soon after our tour of the facility (very nice Spanish style bathrooms) and while the quality of the lobsters were impressive, the dressing wasn't. The lobsters were really fresh, sweet and juicy with no hint of H's hated fishiness, and perfectly cooked so that they popped out of their shells with no struggle. Unfortunately, they were smothered with an odd herb-y garlic mixture that completely overwhelmed the delicious lobster, that we could have been eating anything from a piece of toast to caviar - it wouldn't have made a difference. Darn the Americans with their desire to overspice and overpower everything.
H's soup, however, was faultless. It was creamy and full without being cloying, although H would have loved it thicker, and the flavours of broccoli and mushroom infused into the soup so... subtly. The sourdough bread provided was an odd choice, because a simple, crusty bread would have been a better companion.
We nibbled on the bread for a while more and chatted with a pianist playing in an appropriately romantic and quiet style. He even played my favourite song, albeit overly upbeat, if you ask me. But then again, the rest of the songs were so soothing, I was ready to fall face down into my food.
The dinner that followed was perfectly executed. My roasted duckling (trust me, I felt quite bad about eating the cute little ducklings and then seeing them at our lake the next day..) had a crispy skin with very tender and plump meat. The accompanying green peppercorn/ honey glaze wasn't too sweet, nor did it soak the whole plate in excess, thank goodness. Unfortunately, I was too stuffed with the appetiser and drinks that I could only manage part of my duckling before giving it up. H's chateaubriand had a very intense, grilled crust and a juicy centre which he enjoyed, but was too meaty for me.
I was a little disappointed when the waiter refused to give me a dessert menu, but it was actually part of the restaurant's celebration of our anniversary. He appeared with a baked Alaska for each of us, and of course, it was absolutely delectable. The meringue shell was doused with Cointreau or Grand Marnier and flambed for a moment, and that created a very bitter, crispy outside which was a good contrast to the soft fluffy and sweet meringue below, the cold neopolitan ice cream in the centre, and the yellow cake on the bottom.
Anthony's seemed like a place for lovers or those with something to celebrate, because the prices weren't as affordable as your neighbourhood kopitiam (coffeeshop). However, the attentive and incongruous staff; and the cosy yet elegant atmosphere made it very romantic and something to really look forward to. We were so impressed that we made reservations for my graduation dinner to be held there, but after a night of impressive service, they actually refused to allow us to book the patio "in case we don't open the patio if the night isn't as busy". Very disappointing and non-accomodating. We're thinking of going to our neighbourhood restaurant Le Buzz with their impecable service instead, but we shall see about that. Anthony's does have that nice pianist and the view is impressive.
Argh. Time for my dreaded Biochem. Sigh. I really hate this class. Dinner last night was a yummy home-style gyros with rice and veggies. H added a cream sauce made from fat-free cream cheese, but you couldn't even tell that it was fat free. I added some milk to the leftovers for lunch and mixed it into a veggie stir-fry that was already emitting sweet juices from the red/yellow/green bell peppers, and stuffed it into a toasted pita. We washed that all down with a mango-orange smoothie - proud of our healthy meals! (It was amazing how H scarfed all that veggie down when it would have been a chore to convince him to eat it otherwise...)
Will be cooking again tonight. Hopefully this spate of cooking will keep up... otherwise we're spending waaayyyy too much on food.
Our last two weekends involved rather explosive arguments that involved car shifting and sleeping in separate beds. The one we had over Friday and Saturday finally culminated in a furious baking exercise, which, incidentally ended matters. It is difficult to bake for someone when you're mad at him. The cheesecake, however, turned out really well and I brought some for Renu and Nanao today.
But that was not what I wanted to write about. Last Tuesday was our 6 month anniversary which crept up on us without any notice, and a last minute decision of my group freed up my evening, so we decided to go for a nice dinner spontaneously. He was supposed to surprise me with a place we've never tried before and we took time to dress up for it, which was really fun considering we seldom really wear anything more formal than t-shirt and jeans in casual ol' Tucson.
I remember looking at the online menu offered by Anthony's a couple of weeks ago and gasping in shock, but our experience there was so enjoyable, it was almost worth it. Two doormen opened a big cellar-like wood door that led into the restaurant, which had more seating space than we expected. We were seated by the window facing the garden, which was filled with spring blooms and had a sprouting fountain in the middle. The room itself had a tall, sloping ceiling with wooden beams, which made it look like a comfortable log cabin. A pianist was hidden unobtrusively in one corner, playing timeless classics one after another. There was a mid-sized room immediately adjacent to ours that housed a group of seniors celebrating a birthday, but the glass windows in between the rooms offered a peek at the city skyline below. We thought the event room was the patio/ balcony, but later we realised that there was actually another dining space for those who wanted to be away from the main room and enjoy the cool Spring air with a gorgeous view.
The wait staff came by one after another; the first took our cocktail order; the next set a plate of salmon cream cheese with crackers on the table; the third proffered a menu with the night's specials and someone in between glided in to fill our water goblets. After we sipped our cocktails and had an opportunity to try the appetiser, a sommelier appeared by H's side to offer wine suggestions to go with our dinner. By then, we've already decided on what to order and his photographic knowledge of all the wines in the big tome disguised as the wine menu saved us from having to make a headachy decision.
The appetisers appeared soon after our tour of the facility (very nice Spanish style bathrooms) and while the quality of the lobsters were impressive, the dressing wasn't. The lobsters were really fresh, sweet and juicy with no hint of H's hated fishiness, and perfectly cooked so that they popped out of their shells with no struggle. Unfortunately, they were smothered with an odd herb-y garlic mixture that completely overwhelmed the delicious lobster, that we could have been eating anything from a piece of toast to caviar - it wouldn't have made a difference. Darn the Americans with their desire to overspice and overpower everything.
H's soup, however, was faultless. It was creamy and full without being cloying, although H would have loved it thicker, and the flavours of broccoli and mushroom infused into the soup so... subtly. The sourdough bread provided was an odd choice, because a simple, crusty bread would have been a better companion.
We nibbled on the bread for a while more and chatted with a pianist playing in an appropriately romantic and quiet style. He even played my favourite song, albeit overly upbeat, if you ask me. But then again, the rest of the songs were so soothing, I was ready to fall face down into my food.
The dinner that followed was perfectly executed. My roasted duckling (trust me, I felt quite bad about eating the cute little ducklings and then seeing them at our lake the next day..) had a crispy skin with very tender and plump meat. The accompanying green peppercorn/ honey glaze wasn't too sweet, nor did it soak the whole plate in excess, thank goodness. Unfortunately, I was too stuffed with the appetiser and drinks that I could only manage part of my duckling before giving it up. H's chateaubriand had a very intense, grilled crust and a juicy centre which he enjoyed, but was too meaty for me.
I was a little disappointed when the waiter refused to give me a dessert menu, but it was actually part of the restaurant's celebration of our anniversary. He appeared with a baked Alaska for each of us, and of course, it was absolutely delectable. The meringue shell was doused with Cointreau or Grand Marnier and flambed for a moment, and that created a very bitter, crispy outside which was a good contrast to the soft fluffy and sweet meringue below, the cold neopolitan ice cream in the centre, and the yellow cake on the bottom.
Anthony's seemed like a place for lovers or those with something to celebrate, because the prices weren't as affordable as your neighbourhood kopitiam (coffeeshop). However, the attentive and incongruous staff; and the cosy yet elegant atmosphere made it very romantic and something to really look forward to. We were so impressed that we made reservations for my graduation dinner to be held there, but after a night of impressive service, they actually refused to allow us to book the patio "in case we don't open the patio if the night isn't as busy". Very disappointing and non-accomodating. We're thinking of going to our neighbourhood restaurant Le Buzz with their impecable service instead, but we shall see about that. Anthony's does have that nice pianist and the view is impressive.
Argh. Time for my dreaded Biochem. Sigh. I really hate this class. Dinner last night was a yummy home-style gyros with rice and veggies. H added a cream sauce made from fat-free cream cheese, but you couldn't even tell that it was fat free. I added some milk to the leftovers for lunch and mixed it into a veggie stir-fry that was already emitting sweet juices from the red/yellow/green bell peppers, and stuffed it into a toasted pita. We washed that all down with a mango-orange smoothie - proud of our healthy meals! (It was amazing how H scarfed all that veggie down when it would have been a chore to convince him to eat it otherwise...)
Will be cooking again tonight. Hopefully this spate of cooking will keep up... otherwise we're spending waaayyyy too much on food.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Never is a long time
2.07pm 17 April 2006 Monday
We had a big fight over the weekend and I said I'd stop watching X-Files from now on. I remember MH recommending Ah Wong because it wasn't scary, but I didn't tell her that the one day I was watching it to get my mind off X-Files, I got the one and only scary episode that freaked me out. (When Ah Wong delivered the tang shui to the scary girl in the 2nd eps?) I don't know if I will ever watch X-Files again, but as Scully said, "Never is a long time," so I shan't say never, just... for a long time.
But I realised from Renu's comment about her husband who "never says no" to her, that he never says no to me too. Whatever I wanted, I only had to ask for it and he'd get/do it for me, even if he had to get up from the warm cosy bed to get me a glass of water I'd only take a sip of, or some unnecessary trinket that I liked.
To understand why this is important to me, we must revisit the past. When I was a kid and I wanted to go to Swensen's (an ice cream parlour like Haagen Daaz), I'd ask my mum if we could. Her answer was almost always, "Ask your dad. If you don't ask him, he'll spend the money on another woman anyway. There's nothing to lose if you ask," and I'd ask my dad very apprehensively. You've to understand, to me, at that time, my dad was a formidable, scary man who seldom talked. My only contact with him was during the mornings at breakfast, and in the car. He wasn't like MH's dad who would buy her a stuffed animal whereever he was, and so nothing could be taken for granted. Of course things changed as I grew up, but that thought was always at the back of my mind.
You're very different from most men in my life. Sure, you're sly and cunning and too egoistic to apologise at times, but you almost always show me unconditional love, even when I'm rolling on the bed in pain, or trying to sneak my cold hands and legs into your warm crevices.
It's like a sudden revelation you know? As if it suddenly dawned upon me that... maybe you're a keeper.
We had a big fight over the weekend and I said I'd stop watching X-Files from now on. I remember MH recommending Ah Wong because it wasn't scary, but I didn't tell her that the one day I was watching it to get my mind off X-Files, I got the one and only scary episode that freaked me out. (When Ah Wong delivered the tang shui to the scary girl in the 2nd eps?) I don't know if I will ever watch X-Files again, but as Scully said, "Never is a long time," so I shan't say never, just... for a long time.
But I realised from Renu's comment about her husband who "never says no" to her, that he never says no to me too. Whatever I wanted, I only had to ask for it and he'd get/do it for me, even if he had to get up from the warm cosy bed to get me a glass of water I'd only take a sip of, or some unnecessary trinket that I liked.
To understand why this is important to me, we must revisit the past. When I was a kid and I wanted to go to Swensen's (an ice cream parlour like Haagen Daaz), I'd ask my mum if we could. Her answer was almost always, "Ask your dad. If you don't ask him, he'll spend the money on another woman anyway. There's nothing to lose if you ask," and I'd ask my dad very apprehensively. You've to understand, to me, at that time, my dad was a formidable, scary man who seldom talked. My only contact with him was during the mornings at breakfast, and in the car. He wasn't like MH's dad who would buy her a stuffed animal whereever he was, and so nothing could be taken for granted. Of course things changed as I grew up, but that thought was always at the back of my mind.
You're very different from most men in my life. Sure, you're sly and cunning and too egoistic to apologise at times, but you almost always show me unconditional love, even when I'm rolling on the bed in pain, or trying to sneak my cold hands and legs into your warm crevices.
It's like a sudden revelation you know? As if it suddenly dawned upon me that... maybe you're a keeper.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Writing without an audience.
11.14pm 9 April 2006 Sunday
I started the day off thinking that I'd blog about the wonderful weekend.
Now, I'm ending the night blogging about why I got so mad. I know he'll probably read it in the morning and despite trying to write for myself, I know that this will probably be a big confused mess switching from first to third person and that kind of grammatical stuff I don't want to be bothered with right now while ranting.
So I've been worried about Biochem since some time ago. I couldn't figure out if going to class helps, and I had problems getting past the psychological barrier of studying for something I know I'm going to do badly in. You know, the usual two voices in the head telling you to do something even if you don't think you can do well, blah blah blah, and the more realistic, or more "me" voice saying, OK, let's think of ways to make this a little better than very bad. It doesn't matter if it's just a little better, because anything is better than a zero. So that's always the voice that helps me survive the nerves, because it's the worst-case-scenario/ crisis limiting agency in my brain.
I was worrying about it the whole weekend, feeling bad as I played badminton.
I was worrying about it when I thought every other Biochem student I know must be studying right now, as we cooked and entertained throughout the night.
I was worrying about it as we spent an idyllic morning having breakfast and reading the papers, trying to come up with a disaster limiting plan.
I was worrying about it while tackling the easier nutrition stuff, because for once, I still hadn't come up with a good plan.
And then you said, as a response to me telling you that I was playing an online game with MH, "You're not going to be able to finish your Biochem!"
What makes you think I'm not worried about it? Does your comment help the situation? Or is it something that you feel must be said to make you feel better, more superior? As I was reading the women's studies website on model housewives and feeling bad for leaving all the cleaning and washing to you, I thought, "Wow, I'm so lucky to be able to concentrate on my own things without worrying about the terrible state of the kitchen," the next moment felt like I was crashing on the cold, hard ground.
Of course it was OK if he had to make the sacrifice and clean up, if I had the exams the following day and couldn't help. But it wasn't fine the immediate moment I diverted my attention elsewhere, because this would waste his sacrifice.
IF I had known that X was contingent for Y to occur, then sorry, I'd rather not be obliged to you and find my own way to reach Y. In English, that means I appreciate you doing all work but that doesn't give you the right to lord over me. If that's the case, so long and thanks for the fish. I'd rather do an equal share of the work and lord over myself, and not be answerable to you for my actions/ grades.
I know my anger stemmed from many factors:
- frustration at not being able to study biochem successfully. Or at least well enough to feel like I know the material.
- guilt, at not helping with the cleaning up.
- fear, that you pinned your hopes on me to do well in biochem.
- anger, that the "cost" of your cleaning up was the "right" to expect me to study hard.
Let me make this clear if it hadn't been so before:
I'm not a model student, and I never was. I'm a terrible student who hates to study more than necessary, and unlike my best friend, I am not the type who would push myself hard if I don't like/ don't understand the subject. I'm also the lazy student who makes use of whatever little smarts I have to cover up and make up for my failures.
What I am always focused on, however, was the ultimate goal to graduate well and get into a good internship - something one semester of lousy biochem isn't going to deter.
Yes, I'm feeling an immense guilt and responsibility because it's my dad's money I'm spending here, to get my degree. It is my job to work hard and get the best results too. Some people like Carol use that as a motivation to study, because they feel more obliged to. I do too, but it's not my nature make that voice the end-all-and-be-all of my existence. You could dangle a million dollars before me, and I still wouldn't do it. Overachievers say it's laziness. Part of me agrees, but another part just wants to strengthen what I'm good at instead of making myself upset and depressed with the thoughts of what I'm bad at.
So back to the subject of why I'm so mad and incoherent right now.
Because I know my own limitations, and have a whole barrage of fear, frustration, and self-directed anger to tame before I can get into the right mood to study, even without an argument to get over.
What you don't realise, and I feel is a mistake, was that your "concerned" comment was unhelpful because I know what I was doing, and I was focused in my mind. I was still trying to formulate a good plan, and assuming that I was focused on my work from start to end, without any MSN chats, games, or browsing, I would still struggle before I tackled biochem.
Because the fact was, I didn't know how to approach it.
What I did know, was that I didn't want to defend myself because it was difficult enough to face myself for not knowing how to study for the subject, it was even more difficult when you see that someone else is pinning his hopes on you.
What makes you think I'm incapable of turning off the chat programme if I was really pressed for time?
What makes you think I can't say no if I'm really busy?
Have you seen me when I've an exact plan of how to tackle a problem? I dive straight into it without turning back.
Have you seen me when I don't have a plan for tackling a problem? I chew over it until a last possible minute before going into the "best" plan I have. BUT you've to keep in mind, this "last possible minute" is entirely self-dictated. I can't even tell you if I've a formula to calculate it - it's entirely based on instinct and the "sense of urgency" alarm goes off. In this case of Biochem, I'd say the "last possible minute" would be the morning of the exam, since it's at 3pm.
I'm done ranting but now I'm just too frustrated and disgruntled to sleep or study. I hate fighting before exams - I can't concentrate, and it makes me mad that this stupid relationship is getting in my way, that I cannot plan for a fight and I cannot modulate my mood well enough to make this relationship NOT a factor for failure.
See, as I mentioned, my primary role is to study. BUT there are other "jobs" or tasks that I take on secondary to studying. These secondary roles must fulfil one criteria: it must not affect my studies.
So quarrelling on the night before of my exams and making me frustrated and disturbed enough not to study well, was obviously a violation of my own rule. So if I am unable to study or focus on the exam itself, I'd blame myself for being in a relationship and jeopardising myself in the first place.
I hate this feeling. I hate feeling weak from an argument, feeling uncertain of an unformulated plan, feeling too confused to be able to concentrate on demand. argh!
I started the day off thinking that I'd blog about the wonderful weekend.
Now, I'm ending the night blogging about why I got so mad. I know he'll probably read it in the morning and despite trying to write for myself, I know that this will probably be a big confused mess switching from first to third person and that kind of grammatical stuff I don't want to be bothered with right now while ranting.
So I've been worried about Biochem since some time ago. I couldn't figure out if going to class helps, and I had problems getting past the psychological barrier of studying for something I know I'm going to do badly in. You know, the usual two voices in the head telling you to do something even if you don't think you can do well, blah blah blah, and the more realistic, or more "me" voice saying, OK, let's think of ways to make this a little better than very bad. It doesn't matter if it's just a little better, because anything is better than a zero. So that's always the voice that helps me survive the nerves, because it's the worst-case-scenario/ crisis limiting agency in my brain.
I was worrying about it the whole weekend, feeling bad as I played badminton.
I was worrying about it when I thought every other Biochem student I know must be studying right now, as we cooked and entertained throughout the night.
I was worrying about it as we spent an idyllic morning having breakfast and reading the papers, trying to come up with a disaster limiting plan.
I was worrying about it while tackling the easier nutrition stuff, because for once, I still hadn't come up with a good plan.
And then you said, as a response to me telling you that I was playing an online game with MH, "You're not going to be able to finish your Biochem!"
What makes you think I'm not worried about it? Does your comment help the situation? Or is it something that you feel must be said to make you feel better, more superior? As I was reading the women's studies website on model housewives and feeling bad for leaving all the cleaning and washing to you, I thought, "Wow, I'm so lucky to be able to concentrate on my own things without worrying about the terrible state of the kitchen," the next moment felt like I was crashing on the cold, hard ground.
Of course it was OK if he had to make the sacrifice and clean up, if I had the exams the following day and couldn't help. But it wasn't fine the immediate moment I diverted my attention elsewhere, because this would waste his sacrifice.
IF I had known that X was contingent for Y to occur, then sorry, I'd rather not be obliged to you and find my own way to reach Y. In English, that means I appreciate you doing all work but that doesn't give you the right to lord over me. If that's the case, so long and thanks for the fish. I'd rather do an equal share of the work and lord over myself, and not be answerable to you for my actions/ grades.
I know my anger stemmed from many factors:
- frustration at not being able to study biochem successfully. Or at least well enough to feel like I know the material.
- guilt, at not helping with the cleaning up.
- fear, that you pinned your hopes on me to do well in biochem.
- anger, that the "cost" of your cleaning up was the "right" to expect me to study hard.
Let me make this clear if it hadn't been so before:
I'm not a model student, and I never was. I'm a terrible student who hates to study more than necessary, and unlike my best friend, I am not the type who would push myself hard if I don't like/ don't understand the subject. I'm also the lazy student who makes use of whatever little smarts I have to cover up and make up for my failures.
What I am always focused on, however, was the ultimate goal to graduate well and get into a good internship - something one semester of lousy biochem isn't going to deter.
Yes, I'm feeling an immense guilt and responsibility because it's my dad's money I'm spending here, to get my degree. It is my job to work hard and get the best results too. Some people like Carol use that as a motivation to study, because they feel more obliged to. I do too, but it's not my nature make that voice the end-all-and-be-all of my existence. You could dangle a million dollars before me, and I still wouldn't do it. Overachievers say it's laziness. Part of me agrees, but another part just wants to strengthen what I'm good at instead of making myself upset and depressed with the thoughts of what I'm bad at.
So back to the subject of why I'm so mad and incoherent right now.
Because I know my own limitations, and have a whole barrage of fear, frustration, and self-directed anger to tame before I can get into the right mood to study, even without an argument to get over.
What you don't realise, and I feel is a mistake, was that your "concerned" comment was unhelpful because I know what I was doing, and I was focused in my mind. I was still trying to formulate a good plan, and assuming that I was focused on my work from start to end, without any MSN chats, games, or browsing, I would still struggle before I tackled biochem.
Because the fact was, I didn't know how to approach it.
What I did know, was that I didn't want to defend myself because it was difficult enough to face myself for not knowing how to study for the subject, it was even more difficult when you see that someone else is pinning his hopes on you.
What makes you think I'm incapable of turning off the chat programme if I was really pressed for time?
What makes you think I can't say no if I'm really busy?
Have you seen me when I've an exact plan of how to tackle a problem? I dive straight into it without turning back.
Have you seen me when I don't have a plan for tackling a problem? I chew over it until a last possible minute before going into the "best" plan I have. BUT you've to keep in mind, this "last possible minute" is entirely self-dictated. I can't even tell you if I've a formula to calculate it - it's entirely based on instinct and the "sense of urgency" alarm goes off. In this case of Biochem, I'd say the "last possible minute" would be the morning of the exam, since it's at 3pm.
I'm done ranting but now I'm just too frustrated and disgruntled to sleep or study. I hate fighting before exams - I can't concentrate, and it makes me mad that this stupid relationship is getting in my way, that I cannot plan for a fight and I cannot modulate my mood well enough to make this relationship NOT a factor for failure.
See, as I mentioned, my primary role is to study. BUT there are other "jobs" or tasks that I take on secondary to studying. These secondary roles must fulfil one criteria: it must not affect my studies.
So quarrelling on the night before of my exams and making me frustrated and disturbed enough not to study well, was obviously a violation of my own rule. So if I am unable to study or focus on the exam itself, I'd blame myself for being in a relationship and jeopardising myself in the first place.
I hate this feeling. I hate feeling weak from an argument, feeling uncertain of an unformulated plan, feeling too confused to be able to concentrate on demand. argh!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Internships - Ranking the shortlisted candidates..
By length of programme:
26 weeks - Iowa State University
26 weeks - University of Nevada
38 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Aramark (Metropolitan NY)
40 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Sodexho (NJ/ Philly)
45 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Harper (Detroit, Michigan)
By price of tuition (note if anything extraordinary is included!):
$2600 - Harper Hospital (Detroit, Michigan) Provides dorm room, hospitalisation/healthcare, liability insurance, physical exam, meal allowance!!!
$4500 - University of Nevada (tuition + classes)
$5000 - Iowa State University
$6500 - Sodexho (NJ/ Philly)
$6500 - Aramark (Met. NY)
By gut feel:
By prestige:
By likelihood of acceptance:
By distance:
By city:
By emphasis:
10 wk management, 20 wk clinical, 4 wk community (total 38 wks) - Sodexho
35 wk clinical, 12 wk management, 5 wk community (total 45 wks) - Harper Hospital
12 wk MNT, 6 wk management, 5 wk community (total 26 wks) - Iowa State University
26 weeks - Iowa State University
26 weeks - University of Nevada
38 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Aramark (Metropolitan NY)
40 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Sodexho (NJ/ Philly)
45 weeks (1 wk vacation) - Harper (Detroit, Michigan)
By price of tuition (note if anything extraordinary is included!):
$2600 - Harper Hospital (Detroit, Michigan) Provides dorm room, hospitalisation/healthcare, liability insurance, physical exam, meal allowance!!!
$4500 - University of Nevada (tuition + classes)
$5000 - Iowa State University
$6500 - Sodexho (NJ/ Philly)
$6500 - Aramark (Met. NY)
By gut feel:
By prestige:
By likelihood of acceptance:
By distance:
By city:
By emphasis:
10 wk management, 20 wk clinical, 4 wk community (total 38 wks) - Sodexho
35 wk clinical, 12 wk management, 5 wk community (total 45 wks) - Harper Hospital
12 wk MNT, 6 wk management, 5 wk community (total 26 wks) - Iowa State University
Internship - Aramark New York
An unlikely candidate: Aramark!
Tuition: 6500
Standard requirements...
6-10 interns for Feb (out of 50 apps)
38 wks long
Doable?
Tuition: 6500
Standard requirements...
6-10 interns for Feb (out of 50 apps)
38 wks long
Doable?
Internship - Harper University (Detroit, Michigan)
Very interesting.
Jan - Nov
Achievable criteria
Cheap - $2600 tuition, housing provided, liability insurance provided, healthcare provided
Pretty straightforward criteria...
Jan - Nov
Achievable criteria
Cheap - $2600 tuition, housing provided, liability insurance provided, healthcare provided
Pretty straightforward criteria...
Internship - Mass General
Requirements:
- Communication ability
- Academics
- Self direction
- Leadership ability
- Withstand pressure
- Interpersonal skills
Tuition: $4800
Fall application
Looks very good! Well organised and not too intimidating.
- Communication ability
- Academics
- Self direction
- Leadership ability
- Withstand pressure
- Interpersonal skills
Tuition: $4800
Fall application
Looks very good! Well organised and not too intimidating.
Internship - Mayo Clinic @ Jacksonville, Florida
Pre-requisites:
Min 3.0 GPA
January/ April start
3 interns per session
6 mths long
Most impt: personal statement
Min 3.0 GPA
January/ April start
3 interns per session
6 mths long
Most impt: personal statement
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Movie binge
9.20am 30 March 2006 Thursday
H had some free movie passes so we've been watching a couple of movies lately. Koped this from someone else but this is a MUST-SEE movie!
V for Vendetta
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
H had some free movie passes so we've been watching a couple of movies lately. Koped this from someone else but this is a MUST-SEE movie!
V for Vendetta
Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate.This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Sometimes, knowing when to quit can be a virtue too.
9.42am 29 March 2006 Wednesday
Quarrels are tiring. The amount of energy taken to argue with someone, to stew in hurt and anger, to put up a mask of indifference... all that is tiring.
Sometimes people see things the way they want to see things. They see aggression because they already believe that it's there. They see lies because they are so used to distrusting.
I started off wanting to write about my thoughts, but after talking (venting, rather) to MH, I don't even feel like it anymore. It's not just easier to put it aside while "real life" goes on, but the fact that in everyone's lives, there are just more important things to be done.
All I want to do now is to graduate, finish my internship and RD exam, and go home. Perhaps it's this mentality that gives me the devil-may-care attitude - some things are just not on my list of priorities right now.
Now you see why I want to leave? It all boils down in inequitable love distribution. That's why sometimes knowing when to leave is important...
Quarrels are tiring. The amount of energy taken to argue with someone, to stew in hurt and anger, to put up a mask of indifference... all that is tiring.
Sometimes people see things the way they want to see things. They see aggression because they already believe that it's there. They see lies because they are so used to distrusting.
I started off wanting to write about my thoughts, but after talking (venting, rather) to MH, I don't even feel like it anymore. It's not just easier to put it aside while "real life" goes on, but the fact that in everyone's lives, there are just more important things to be done.
All I want to do now is to graduate, finish my internship and RD exam, and go home. Perhaps it's this mentality that gives me the devil-may-care attitude - some things are just not on my list of priorities right now.
Now you see why I want to leave? It all boils down in inequitable love distribution. That's why sometimes knowing when to leave is important...
Monday, March 20, 2006
A Sin City review
11.26am 20 March 2006 Monday
It feels like a long time since I last blogged but the trip we took last weekend provided enough fodder for a long long post.
Day 1: Mad rush from Tucson to LV
H had work in the morning, so we devised a plan to rush him to work, and dump him there to work on his stuff while I went home to pack everything we needed for the trip and badminton. We met Dr C. and Mikhaila for some badminton in the afternoon before navigating the traffic to Vegas. The first 100 miles were pretty OK, since I-10 traffic was relatively clear. What we didn't expect, was to get off the interstate highway and go through rush-hour Phoenix traffic to get to some obscure, small highway and miss some of the confusing three way streets, even with the aid of our good friend Garmin.
Reached LV at about 9.30pm with a little bit of cheating, since Nevada is 1 hour behind AZ. We had dinner at Paris' Asian restaurant that had really good Tangerine Chicken (H) and Roasted Duck Crepe (me). Everything was flavourful but not too salty, and the meat tender, the greens crisp. Great start to our vacation! We meant to seek out some good margaritas but were both too exhausted to do anything but drag our weary butts back to Aladdin, and the big generous tub we saw when we deposited our baggage upon check in.
Soaked in tub but both of us fell asleep within minutes. Clambered out of tub and sunk into the cool, crisp sheets...
Day 2: Badminton Frenzy with some Buffet action!
After drooling over the buffet reviews, we had to try the Mandalay Bay's breakfast buffet. The 30 min walk from Aladdin to MB was refreshing and stimulating, with the streets empty and the air fresh and chilly. It was fun walking through all the different hotels (they were inter-connected via bridges, trams and walkways) and looking at the different decor and shops. Unfortunately, we were both too hungry to stop for anything (except for coffee), but the rush was worth it.
We got a window table after less than 10 mins of waiting, and boy was it worthwhile. There is something to be said about sitting near a window in the morning with sunshine spilling onto your table. Very invigorating! The downside: Somehow the area we were in smelt of aircraft cabin. It's difficult to explain how it smells but suffice to say, the air didn't feel too fresh. Would have been much nicer had the glass windows been open, since it's Spring and the air was rather cold outside.
In any case, the food was good enough to make up for any sullen receptionists and weird smelling rooms. There was an appreciable array of food that wasn't limited to the breakfast menu. Other than a wide selection of breads, hams and cheeses, they also had good quality fresh fruits and berries. But who would fill up on that when there is more exotic stuff to be had, like their fresh apple crepes, or the little ricotta cheese filled blintz with homemade strawberry sauce? Some of their meats available were overcooked, but whatever we had were well-seasoned and appetising. Pretty yummy Eggs Benedict, but it was the smoked ham that really made it stand out.
With the hits came along the misses: a French toast with an overpowering vanilla flavour - what happened to the eggy sweetness of the bread? From-concentrate juices that were very much watered down - for such a nice hotel with a high quality buffet, this was a lousy way to cut costs...
The good thing was, the hits outweighed the misses and we left MB sufficiently satiated to walk the way back to Aladdin. Right next to MB was Luxor, a hotel modeled after the Pyramids of Giza, down to the huge Sphinx in front to guard it. We tried the inclined elevator that served the hotel, since it had a pyramidal shape with hollow insides, but the 1 level up and down was enough to put us off staying there in the future. You know how a regular elevator goes up and down right? Imagine an extra factor going sideways while still going up, making you disoriented and dizzy... Icky feeling I'm not keen to relive anytime soon.
We somehow found out way to the Excalibur, where there was a prominent medieval theme linking the decor and shops together. Pretty family friendly place, except that the coziness didn't extend to the bathrooms with its overpowering amounts of air-freshener. Was supposed to get a door sign with something along the lines of "Genius at Work" but didn't have time - had to rush to badminton...
Played badminton, had lunch at Chinatown - food was so-la-la only. I remember the 1st time Jeremy and I went, the place was filled with other Singaporeans... Had some milk tea and wandered around before going for a 2nd round of badminton in the evening. We decided to park in the self-parking garage (as opposed to the valet parking at the hotel, since it took nearly 20 mins to retrieve our car in the morning) and walk back, only to be waylaid by the soft and comfy Alpaca rugs when we stopped at the bathroom. Now we're the proud owners of a huge, soft Alpaca rug with a big white bear motif. Can't wait to lie down on it and watch TV cuddled together..
After he was done with his massage and while waiting for me, H went to get 2 margaritas that were nothing like what we've had! Simply yummy and doesn't taste of alcohol at all. mm mm! Again, we dragged our tired feet back to the hotel to plonk into the bath tub and bed soon after.
Day 3: Missed badminton but it was all worthwhile.
You'd seldom hear of us missing badminton but that was what happened on Friday. We started off with breakfast at NY, NY, where a pseudo Italian bakery tried to masquerade as the real thing. I mean, it's OK to have an Italian theme. But when you describe yourself as authentic, you jolly well better be ok... Instead, they served a usual array of omelettes - stuff we could get at Blue Willow here, and much better! To give them credit, the bread bowl was really good, with everything warm and toasty.
We spent a gleeful hour at the M & M's store where we got a big M & M cookie jar, and 4 M & M mugs to accompany it. It's now sitting atop the kitchen shelf, making the area bright and cheery. There were many movie poster spoofs around the store, but it was most unfortunate that none were for sale! H and I took turns going up and down the escalator to get a good picture of the "M" files - a spoof of our beloved X files! I think we traversed that stupid escalator at least... 10 times each way......
It was impossible to drag the heavy bags and not break the porcelain cookie jar and mugs, so we stopped at the hotel before going for lunch at the Bellagio. It certainly lived up to the reviews I read, with at least 5 different types of fish, all cooked in a different style, but all equally good. Even seafood-repellant H tried all of them! I remember their tender and juicy filet mignon and their extremely good desserts, all made with good quality chocolate and none of that fake icing stuff you get at cheap places.
We embarked on what was meant to be a look-see-look-see tour of the Bellagio, only to stop at a little shoe store with the most comfortable shoes I've ever tried. I left the store grinning from ear to ear, but yet feeling terrible for spending an inordinate amount on something as trivial as shoes. Let's just say that the total tab for the 2 pairs of shoes were as much as my monthly allowance...
Armed (or shod) with my new comfy shoes, we explored the Bellagio further. It wasn't the most expensive hotel on the strip without a reason! The whole lobby ceiling was swarthed with huge glass/ crystal flowers, and adjacent to the lobby was a pretty greenhouse-looking garden. It had a glass ceiling that showered the whole area with sunshine, and at the same time let the light through the glass flowers, which in turn, coloured the arch of water shooting over the bridge. What good is a garden without fresh flowers and butterflies? The rest of the space was filled with fresh spring blooms, and a special conservatory of butterflies. Sigh... what an amazing place. I told H that it would be my dream wedding venue. It was soooo romantic... *glazed eyes*
We headed back to the hotel after our little interlude at the Bellagio, but stopped at White House|Black Market, where we saw a pretty, strapless black dress made of a soft and comfy material. The first dress I tried was the one we eventually bought, along with a soft and twirly skirt and a silk jacket to keep my bare shoulders warm, but you wouldn't believe how many tops I had tried that evening. In any case, we went home (to the Aladdin) and decided to skip badminton, even though our contact promised that it would be filled with the toughest players they had, and got ready for our big night of Cirque de Soleil.
Of course, by the time we were done, we only had 40 mins left to hobble, skip and dash to Treasure Island on the opposite end of the strip. It was amazingly cold with howling winds, but that wasn't the worst of the evening. I was surprised that I could run in my new soft-as-butter heels, but we finally made it to TI and collected our tickets for the evening. (You had to collect them 2 hrs before showtime or they'll sell it away..!) We braved the cold again to head over to Caesar's Palace for some food and drink before going back to TI for the performance. There is no description for Mystere, except that it was mind-boggling and awe-inspiring. So many sights and sounds to assail the poor overloaded senses, a plot with absolutely abstract (or meaningless) storyline... Oh dear, it's time for class again. I can't believe 1.5 hours isn't enough to finish writing about our short weekend...
It feels like a long time since I last blogged but the trip we took last weekend provided enough fodder for a long long post.
Day 1: Mad rush from Tucson to LV
H had work in the morning, so we devised a plan to rush him to work, and dump him there to work on his stuff while I went home to pack everything we needed for the trip and badminton. We met Dr C. and Mikhaila for some badminton in the afternoon before navigating the traffic to Vegas. The first 100 miles were pretty OK, since I-10 traffic was relatively clear. What we didn't expect, was to get off the interstate highway and go through rush-hour Phoenix traffic to get to some obscure, small highway and miss some of the confusing three way streets, even with the aid of our good friend Garmin.
Reached LV at about 9.30pm with a little bit of cheating, since Nevada is 1 hour behind AZ. We had dinner at Paris' Asian restaurant that had really good Tangerine Chicken (H) and Roasted Duck Crepe (me). Everything was flavourful but not too salty, and the meat tender, the greens crisp. Great start to our vacation! We meant to seek out some good margaritas but were both too exhausted to do anything but drag our weary butts back to Aladdin, and the big generous tub we saw when we deposited our baggage upon check in.
Soaked in tub but both of us fell asleep within minutes. Clambered out of tub and sunk into the cool, crisp sheets...
Day 2: Badminton Frenzy with some Buffet action!
After drooling over the buffet reviews, we had to try the Mandalay Bay's breakfast buffet. The 30 min walk from Aladdin to MB was refreshing and stimulating, with the streets empty and the air fresh and chilly. It was fun walking through all the different hotels (they were inter-connected via bridges, trams and walkways) and looking at the different decor and shops. Unfortunately, we were both too hungry to stop for anything (except for coffee), but the rush was worth it.
We got a window table after less than 10 mins of waiting, and boy was it worthwhile. There is something to be said about sitting near a window in the morning with sunshine spilling onto your table. Very invigorating! The downside: Somehow the area we were in smelt of aircraft cabin. It's difficult to explain how it smells but suffice to say, the air didn't feel too fresh. Would have been much nicer had the glass windows been open, since it's Spring and the air was rather cold outside.
In any case, the food was good enough to make up for any sullen receptionists and weird smelling rooms. There was an appreciable array of food that wasn't limited to the breakfast menu. Other than a wide selection of breads, hams and cheeses, they also had good quality fresh fruits and berries. But who would fill up on that when there is more exotic stuff to be had, like their fresh apple crepes, or the little ricotta cheese filled blintz with homemade strawberry sauce? Some of their meats available were overcooked, but whatever we had were well-seasoned and appetising. Pretty yummy Eggs Benedict, but it was the smoked ham that really made it stand out.
With the hits came along the misses: a French toast with an overpowering vanilla flavour - what happened to the eggy sweetness of the bread? From-concentrate juices that were very much watered down - for such a nice hotel with a high quality buffet, this was a lousy way to cut costs...
The good thing was, the hits outweighed the misses and we left MB sufficiently satiated to walk the way back to Aladdin. Right next to MB was Luxor, a hotel modeled after the Pyramids of Giza, down to the huge Sphinx in front to guard it. We tried the inclined elevator that served the hotel, since it had a pyramidal shape with hollow insides, but the 1 level up and down was enough to put us off staying there in the future. You know how a regular elevator goes up and down right? Imagine an extra factor going sideways while still going up, making you disoriented and dizzy... Icky feeling I'm not keen to relive anytime soon.
We somehow found out way to the Excalibur, where there was a prominent medieval theme linking the decor and shops together. Pretty family friendly place, except that the coziness didn't extend to the bathrooms with its overpowering amounts of air-freshener. Was supposed to get a door sign with something along the lines of "Genius at Work" but didn't have time - had to rush to badminton...
Played badminton, had lunch at Chinatown - food was so-la-la only. I remember the 1st time Jeremy and I went, the place was filled with other Singaporeans... Had some milk tea and wandered around before going for a 2nd round of badminton in the evening. We decided to park in the self-parking garage (as opposed to the valet parking at the hotel, since it took nearly 20 mins to retrieve our car in the morning) and walk back, only to be waylaid by the soft and comfy Alpaca rugs when we stopped at the bathroom. Now we're the proud owners of a huge, soft Alpaca rug with a big white bear motif. Can't wait to lie down on it and watch TV cuddled together..
After he was done with his massage and while waiting for me, H went to get 2 margaritas that were nothing like what we've had! Simply yummy and doesn't taste of alcohol at all. mm mm! Again, we dragged our tired feet back to the hotel to plonk into the bath tub and bed soon after.
Day 3: Missed badminton but it was all worthwhile.
You'd seldom hear of us missing badminton but that was what happened on Friday. We started off with breakfast at NY, NY, where a pseudo Italian bakery tried to masquerade as the real thing. I mean, it's OK to have an Italian theme. But when you describe yourself as authentic, you jolly well better be ok... Instead, they served a usual array of omelettes - stuff we could get at Blue Willow here, and much better! To give them credit, the bread bowl was really good, with everything warm and toasty.
We spent a gleeful hour at the M & M's store where we got a big M & M cookie jar, and 4 M & M mugs to accompany it. It's now sitting atop the kitchen shelf, making the area bright and cheery. There were many movie poster spoofs around the store, but it was most unfortunate that none were for sale! H and I took turns going up and down the escalator to get a good picture of the "M" files - a spoof of our beloved X files! I think we traversed that stupid escalator at least... 10 times each way......
It was impossible to drag the heavy bags and not break the porcelain cookie jar and mugs, so we stopped at the hotel before going for lunch at the Bellagio. It certainly lived up to the reviews I read, with at least 5 different types of fish, all cooked in a different style, but all equally good. Even seafood-repellant H tried all of them! I remember their tender and juicy filet mignon and their extremely good desserts, all made with good quality chocolate and none of that fake icing stuff you get at cheap places.
We embarked on what was meant to be a look-see-look-see tour of the Bellagio, only to stop at a little shoe store with the most comfortable shoes I've ever tried. I left the store grinning from ear to ear, but yet feeling terrible for spending an inordinate amount on something as trivial as shoes. Let's just say that the total tab for the 2 pairs of shoes were as much as my monthly allowance...
Armed (or shod) with my new comfy shoes, we explored the Bellagio further. It wasn't the most expensive hotel on the strip without a reason! The whole lobby ceiling was swarthed with huge glass/ crystal flowers, and adjacent to the lobby was a pretty greenhouse-looking garden. It had a glass ceiling that showered the whole area with sunshine, and at the same time let the light through the glass flowers, which in turn, coloured the arch of water shooting over the bridge. What good is a garden without fresh flowers and butterflies? The rest of the space was filled with fresh spring blooms, and a special conservatory of butterflies. Sigh... what an amazing place. I told H that it would be my dream wedding venue. It was soooo romantic... *glazed eyes*
We headed back to the hotel after our little interlude at the Bellagio, but stopped at White House|Black Market, where we saw a pretty, strapless black dress made of a soft and comfy material. The first dress I tried was the one we eventually bought, along with a soft and twirly skirt and a silk jacket to keep my bare shoulders warm, but you wouldn't believe how many tops I had tried that evening. In any case, we went home (to the Aladdin) and decided to skip badminton, even though our contact promised that it would be filled with the toughest players they had, and got ready for our big night of Cirque de Soleil.
Of course, by the time we were done, we only had 40 mins left to hobble, skip and dash to Treasure Island on the opposite end of the strip. It was amazingly cold with howling winds, but that wasn't the worst of the evening. I was surprised that I could run in my new soft-as-butter heels, but we finally made it to TI and collected our tickets for the evening. (You had to collect them 2 hrs before showtime or they'll sell it away..!) We braved the cold again to head over to Caesar's Palace for some food and drink before going back to TI for the performance. There is no description for Mystere, except that it was mind-boggling and awe-inspiring. So many sights and sounds to assail the poor overloaded senses, a plot with absolutely abstract (or meaningless) storyline... Oh dear, it's time for class again. I can't believe 1.5 hours isn't enough to finish writing about our short weekend...
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