Singledom - it's really not as bad.

1.04pm 9 September 2006 Saturday

I've forgotten how it feels like to be single, where every day is your own and your days are both lonely and then not. Recently I've gotten used to the idea that H and I are living in separate cities, and I don't know how I really feel about that. When you realise that you can actually live without a person, you wonder how important he is to you.

That ties in with your definition of love, I guess. Some days I think, I can't leave him because he's everything I want. I'd do anything for him, and I'm sure vice versa. There's just no question of holding back in my actions, because I know he's honest and upfront with me, so I can give without hesitating. Then again, what you feel inside are a completely different thing. On other days, I ask myself relentless, "What does he mean to you, if you can live without him?"

Last week I picked up a copy of Miss Manner's Guide to Etiquette from the library. One of the articles talked about marriage, and how it's not about marrying the perfect person, but being a perfect person for the one you marry.

The thing is, I miss the feeling of a wildly thumping heart that accompanies a fresh new relationship. On Friday I almost asked a male classmate out, but I backed out the last moment. Afterwards Nanao and I talked about it, and I was able to laugh it off although my face was red with embarrassment. That was when I realised that I only missed the whole chase, the insecurity of a new crush, if you will, but in fact, I'm not looking for anyone, because no one can match up to H.

But you know, all my fears about being alone are somewhat unfounded, I suppose. All this while I've been thinking, am I with H because it's so comfortable, because I'm afraid to walk away to singlehood again? For some time, I was mad at my cowardly self because I was convinced that I was. And then I started embracing my time alone by doing the things I like. Soon, I discovered that opportunities to make friends will show up and you don't really have to do anything (like going to Craigslist *shudders in horror at the memory*) to force fate's hand. In fact, going through those channels actually made me feel alot worse about myself, and I'm quite sure that it's something I will never do again. I mean, it's one thing joining and organising groups, but it's another thing altogether responding to personal ads.

Anyhow. Off to the library to re-establish my friendship with books again. That's the nice thing about books - it never berates you when you put it down and forget all about it. Instead, it quietly awaits the next time you have a minute to read a page or two, and consigns itself to silence till you come back. But it never doubts for a moment, that you've forgotten it, because it knows it's secure in your heart as a very good friend.