Writing without an audience.

11.14pm 9 April 2006 Sunday

I started the day off thinking that I'd blog about the wonderful weekend.

Now, I'm ending the night blogging about why I got so mad. I know he'll probably read it in the morning and despite trying to write for myself, I know that this will probably be a big confused mess switching from first to third person and that kind of grammatical stuff I don't want to be bothered with right now while ranting.

So I've been worried about Biochem since some time ago. I couldn't figure out if going to class helps, and I had problems getting past the psychological barrier of studying for something I know I'm going to do badly in. You know, the usual two voices in the head telling you to do something even if you don't think you can do well, blah blah blah, and the more realistic, or more "me" voice saying, OK, let's think of ways to make this a little better than very bad. It doesn't matter if it's just a little better, because anything is better than a zero. So that's always the voice that helps me survive the nerves, because it's the worst-case-scenario/ crisis limiting agency in my brain.

I was worrying about it the whole weekend, feeling bad as I played badminton.
I was worrying about it when I thought every other Biochem student I know must be studying right now, as we cooked and entertained throughout the night.
I was worrying about it as we spent an idyllic morning having breakfast and reading the papers, trying to come up with a disaster limiting plan.
I was worrying about it while tackling the easier nutrition stuff, because for once, I still hadn't come up with a good plan.

And then you said, as a response to me telling you that I was playing an online game with MH, "You're not going to be able to finish your Biochem!"

What makes you think I'm not worried about it? Does your comment help the situation? Or is it something that you feel must be said to make you feel better, more superior? As I was reading the women's studies website on model housewives and feeling bad for leaving all the cleaning and washing to you, I thought, "Wow, I'm so lucky to be able to concentrate on my own things without worrying about the terrible state of the kitchen," the next moment felt like I was crashing on the cold, hard ground.

Of course it was OK if he had to make the sacrifice and clean up, if I had the exams the following day and couldn't help. But it wasn't fine the immediate moment I diverted my attention elsewhere, because this would waste his sacrifice.

IF I had known that X was contingent for Y to occur, then sorry, I'd rather not be obliged to you and find my own way to reach Y. In English, that means I appreciate you doing all work but that doesn't give you the right to lord over me. If that's the case, so long and thanks for the fish. I'd rather do an equal share of the work and lord over myself, and not be answerable to you for my actions/ grades.

I know my anger stemmed from many factors:
- frustration at not being able to study biochem successfully. Or at least well enough to feel like I know the material.
- guilt, at not helping with the cleaning up.
- fear, that you pinned your hopes on me to do well in biochem.
- anger, that the "cost" of your cleaning up was the "right" to expect me to study hard.

Let me make this clear if it hadn't been so before:

I'm not a model student, and I never was. I'm a terrible student who hates to study more than necessary, and unlike my best friend, I am not the type who would push myself hard if I don't like/ don't understand the subject. I'm also the lazy student who makes use of whatever little smarts I have to cover up and make up for my failures.

What I am always focused on, however, was the ultimate goal to graduate well and get into a good internship - something one semester of lousy biochem isn't going to deter.

Yes, I'm feeling an immense guilt and responsibility because it's my dad's money I'm spending here, to get my degree. It is my job to work hard and get the best results too. Some people like Carol use that as a motivation to study, because they feel more obliged to. I do too, but it's not my nature make that voice the end-all-and-be-all of my existence. You could dangle a million dollars before me, and I still wouldn't do it. Overachievers say it's laziness. Part of me agrees, but another part just wants to strengthen what I'm good at instead of making myself upset and depressed with the thoughts of what I'm bad at.

So back to the subject of why I'm so mad and incoherent right now.

Because I know my own limitations, and have a whole barrage of fear, frustration, and self-directed anger to tame before I can get into the right mood to study, even without an argument to get over.

What you don't realise, and I feel is a mistake, was that your "concerned" comment was unhelpful because I know what I was doing, and I was focused in my mind. I was still trying to formulate a good plan, and assuming that I was focused on my work from start to end, without any MSN chats, games, or browsing, I would still struggle before I tackled biochem.

Because the fact was, I didn't know how to approach it.

What I did know, was that I didn't want to defend myself because it was difficult enough to face myself for not knowing how to study for the subject, it was even more difficult when you see that someone else is pinning his hopes on you.

What makes you think I'm incapable of turning off the chat programme if I was really pressed for time?

What makes you think I can't say no if I'm really busy?

Have you seen me when I've an exact plan of how to tackle a problem? I dive straight into it without turning back.

Have you seen me when I don't have a plan for tackling a problem? I chew over it until a last possible minute before going into the "best" plan I have. BUT you've to keep in mind, this "last possible minute" is entirely self-dictated. I can't even tell you if I've a formula to calculate it - it's entirely based on instinct and the "sense of urgency" alarm goes off. In this case of Biochem, I'd say the "last possible minute" would be the morning of the exam, since it's at 3pm.

I'm done ranting but now I'm just too frustrated and disgruntled to sleep or study. I hate fighting before exams - I can't concentrate, and it makes me mad that this stupid relationship is getting in my way, that I cannot plan for a fight and I cannot modulate my mood well enough to make this relationship NOT a factor for failure.

See, as I mentioned, my primary role is to study. BUT there are other "jobs" or tasks that I take on secondary to studying. These secondary roles must fulfil one criteria: it must not affect my studies.

So quarrelling on the night before of my exams and making me frustrated and disturbed enough not to study well, was obviously a violation of my own rule. So if I am unable to study or focus on the exam itself, I'd blame myself for being in a relationship and jeopardising myself in the first place.

I hate this feeling. I hate feeling weak from an argument, feeling uncertain of an unformulated plan, feeling too confused to be able to concentrate on demand. argh!